


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 6

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dark And Inappropriate Humor, Gen, Humor, I REALLY Don't Like This Movie, I Swear A Lot, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 71,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains everyone wondering why it received a PG rating in the States, the most pointless scene in the history of ever, and the filmmakers focusing more on "humor" and "romance" rather than any sort of plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh POINTLESS ANOREXIC WAITRESS OF WHY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Sweeney Todd, Code MENT, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Family Guy, the live action Grinch movie, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Pokémon 'Bridged, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, or Rifftrax.

WB logo: *is accompanied by a barely audible Hedwig's Theme*

Bellatrix: *bursts into song* Nothing's gonna harm you/Not while I'm around/I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!

Harry: I HAVE A GIANT EYEBALL. FEAR IT, FOR IT COMMANDS YOU TO back the fuck up, seriously, what the hell are you doing this close to me. Personal space? I can haz?

Cameras: *flash*

Harry: I'm traumatized and blind. What fun!

Fudge: Yep. Most of the last book/film was entirely pointless.

Voldemort: NYAAAAAAAAH!

Fudge: …OKAY THEN.

Dumbledore: Huh, maybe I should've just given you a portkey so you could avoid the press and try and come to terms with Sirius's death for a little bit, but why do that when I can just drag you through the Ministry for everyone to see and wonder what happened?

Harry: Can I commit suicide now?

Dumbledore: It probably isn't a very good idea for me to put my arm around you like this considering the recent revelation about my sexuality and the disturbing abundance of slashfic writers surrounding this fandom, but considering that I've been ignoring you all year and you've just lost one of your vast number of easily replaceable father figures, I figured that I'd offer you this small semblance of comfort.

Harry: I'd appreciate it more if I wasn't numb to pretty much everything, I think.

Audience: WHY IS THE WIZARDING PRESS DRESSED LIKE A BUNCH OF MUGGLES.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna: …Where the fuck are we? We were, like, right across the room, what gives?

Title card: *is barely noticeable and I had to watch it repeatedly to see if there even was one, it was so forgettable*

Filmmakers: BE AMAZED AT THE MAGIC AND WHIMSY THAT IS SOME RANDOM SKYSCRAPER SOMEWHERE.

Book readers: Ooooh, are we gonna see Scrimgeour talking to the Prime Minister?

Random business people dudes: 'Ello, 'ello! We're a bunch of random Muggles at some meeting thing staring incredulously at something happening outside! Hey, wouldn't it be absolutely spectacular if a bunch of evil magical people flew in with their black smoke of death and started massacring us at their leisure? Start this movie off with a bang and give everyone the excitement they've been waiting an extra eight months for right from the start? HA! You all seem to be under the impression that the filmmakers actually give a shit about what you want! Instead of the action that you've come to expect, they've instead gone with a romantic comedy angle! You know, clichéd plot devices and situations that could be found in almost EVERY OTHER MOVIE EVER MADE EVER. I'm sure if you really wanted to see this kind of crap, you'd've just read some novel-length thing where all the characters fuck a lot and maybe some kind of saving the world crap happens in the background. Or you could have this movie, where it's over two hours of slow-moving, poorly acted, bland scene after bland scene that is almost unbearably painful to watch in which practically nothing gets accomplished in terms of plot and we're all left wondering how the fuck they're gonna save this in the final two films.

iheartmwpp: …Well I barely have to do anything else for this one, do I? THANK MERLIN, I AM SO FUCKING OUT OF HERE—fuck, I can't move on to the next two till I finish this one. I HATE MY LIFE.

Random business people dudes: And now to never be seen by anyone ever again. YAY! WE WERE TOTALLY INEFFECTUAL!

~…And all they were looking at was a bunch of dark gray clouds barely moving. THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.~

Rifftrax: I, I see a ducky, and I see a bunny, and…and I see a manifestation of pure evil, and, and I see a kitty.

Dark Mark: Vomiting up clouds of black smoke that contain people is totally how Apparition works, we swear.

Three Death Eaters: Hopefully the Muggles can't see us as we streak through the sky leaving very visible jets of black smoke behind us…Actually, who gives a shit, we don't care about the Ministry's laws anyway, and it's not like they're doing all that much to stop us. *go through a section of London that I'd go and describe and make fun of if I'd ever been there in my life. But I haven't, so I'll just move on to say that the camera slammed into the door of the Leaky Cauldron, which seems to have heavily changed its design from the first Lego game during the split second I paused it at, only to smash right through a brick wall—Merlin's disfigured cat, Diagon Alley looks flat and gray and lifeless, hopefully the rest of the film'll be a bit more cheerful-looking—and then they smash into Ollivander's wand shop and miraculously take no damage considering they just went through a brick wall and several panes of glass. That'd normally fuck people up*

Wizards and goblins: …Well this is fucked up. RUN AWAAAAY! *run awaaaay*

Random Death Eater Imma call Rookwood: …What're you lookin' at.

Book readers: HOLY FUCKING SHIT FENRIR GREYBACK. I think I just pissed fear.

Movie watchers: Why, what's so special about him?

Book readers: Huh boy.

Ollivander: This is gonna suck. A lot.

Greyback: Apparently I also possess the ability to use the Black Smoke of Evil despite not being officially a Death Eater or having the Dark Mark. Eh, this is all technically noncanon anyway, why not make more shit up? *turns into smoke and flies off—I-I mean Disapparates with the other two dudes he was with. Yeah*

~It's really cloudy, sure, but with all the dementors loose I was expecting Silent Hill levels of fog everywhere.~

Random pedestrian: Hey, this is 1996, the bridge wasn't finished till 2000 and wasn't opened to the public till 2002, what gives?

Dolohov: Okay, guys, make sure not to kill any of the defenseless Muggles that we all want to see exterminated from our world!

Rodolphus: …Why? I thought we were supposed to be terrorizing people and setting the tone for the rest of the series that we're the bad guys who kill people we consider beneath us for fun.

Rabastan: What, we can't watch as hundreds of bodies fall hopelessly to the river below? Are they going for a PG rating or something?

Dolohov: …

~Way to fail at killing anyone. These guys…kinda suck at being evil.~

TRAINS!: *exist*

CONDIMENTS!: *also exist*

DAILY PROPHET!: *also also exists*

Book readers: …And suddenly the Wizarding photographs don't move anymore. Um, anger? Um, confusion?

Harry: What the hell am I doing? I can't read!

Daily Prophet: Hey look, we got a new minister!

Harry: Sweet.

Daily Prophet: You won't be seeing him till the next movie, though!

Harry: Poop.

Radio news report thing: Apparently people actually did die during the bridge incident, since police are evidently searching for survivors. You'd think that the film would've given a visual aid such as bodies actually falling, but what do we know.

Random waitress chick: It's hard to concentrate on not eating when I'm working in a fucking diner. Then again, it is British food…

Harry: I could be kidnapped, tortured, and/or killed at almost any time, so I think I'll just wander aimlessly to different train stations instead of staying under the protection of my aunt's house.

Malfoys: Our lives are no longer all that totally awesome.

Daily Prophet: Death Eaters: How They Challenge Security Measures. "They fucking kill every guard in sight and Disapparate before anything can be done to stop them. Is what this article probably says. We forget, and we'll never know again, giving that our normal font is practically impossible to read anyway."

Random waitress chick: That is one weird-ass crossword puzzle you got there. It's like the designers went out of their way to make it seem different from Muggle newspapers except not at all. Also who the fuck's Harry Potter?

Harry: *puts paper down* Uh…no one? Bit of a fuck-up considering he spent his childhood locked in a closet and people keep dying around him and he has no idea how to talk to women…Though he did suffer a nasty-ish breakup a few months ago…

Random waitress chick: That's nice for him. So is this some special school paper some of your mates put together or some tabloid I've never heard of or what? 'Cause I could've sworn I saw a picture of you a couple nights ago. Which is what iheart always thought I'd said, but what I actually said was that I saw a picture move.

Harry: OH RLY?

Random waitress chick: YAH RLY. And she had absolutely no idea that I then said "Thought I was going around the twist." Which I think I am anyway, since the pictures should be moving, I don't know what they're playing at.

Harry: …Another train just went by.

Random waitress chick: …Yes. They do that. *starts to walk away—Jesus Christ, EAT A CHEESEBURGER!*

Harry: Hey, I was wondering if—

Random waitress chick: Eleven.

Harry: …Huh?

Random waitress chick: That's when I…get off. Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, say no more?

Harry: Actually, I was gonna ask you if you ever eat anything at all, ever.

Random waitress chick: Very, very little. Dudes like chicks who aren't fat.

Harry: …Dudes also generally like living chicks.

Random waitress chick: I am trying to ask you out here! Assuming that you are that Harry Potter asshat?

Harry: I am indeed, good madam.

Random waitress chick: Well there you go! *smiles and walks off*

Harry: Oh, I am so gonna score! *checks breath* Damn, still smells like booze. And…apparently I carry around breath mints. Yeah, that…that sounds in character…What the hell is going on? *squints and gets up, staring at something out the opposite window*

Rifftrax: Hello, I'm an extra! And my work is done here, thank you!

Harry: The lights are flickering over there! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZINGLY BREATHTAKINGLY SUPER MEGA FOXY AWESOME HOT.

Dumbledore: I seem to be barely visible.

Harry: *wipes window* …Well that wasn't effective at all.

TRAIN!: Ha ha, you can't see the old guy through me!

Harry: You have windows.

TRAIN!: STOP BRINGING ME DOWN! *runs off crying*

Dumbledore: I am now corporeal.

Harry: HOW DOES THIS GUY KEEP FOLLOWING ME. QUIT STALKING ME, YOU BASTARD!

~…Did none of the Muggles notice the dude with the long beard and the funny hat, wearing a dress he's only changed once for Christmas two films ago?~

Harry: Oh great. You're still here. Perfect.

Dumbledore: I like looking at the pretty pictures.

Harry: …Okay—

Dumbledore: Think I should get some?

Harry: …Perfume?

Dumbledore: Yes.

Harry: …It's your money, do whatever you want.

Dumbledore: Excellent. Now then, you've been rather reckless this summer, Harry.

Movie watchers: Hey, as long as we can avoid the Dursleys, that's good enough for us.

Book readers: Aww, but Dumbledore tells them off for all the years of child abuse they've caused! And still insists that Harry should return there next summer and never sends the proper authorities after them or makes them suffer the consequences of their actions in any way!

Movie watchers: Ah, so it was pointless anyway.

Book readers: …He did talk sternly to them with obvious disappointment.

Movie watchers: Disappointment only works against people who were trying to impress you or cared about you to begin with.

Book readers: …He bashed wine glasses against their heads over and over!

Movie watchers: Now that we can get behind, especially once the glass smashed and blood and brain matter started flying everywhere, now that's a proper punishment—

Book readers: N-No, the glasses remained intact, actually.

Movie watchers: …Yeah, we're gonna stick with the movies, kthx.

Harry: Back to me being reckless: it could be argued that I actually am showing signs of grieving by recklessly going to all these different train stations without a care who sees me with a decidedly Wizarding newspaper, though the pictures don't move anymore anyway so I guess it wouldn't make any difference, and without any sort of protection because I don't really care what happens to me anymore. Though I can't really understand why the Order's suddenly stopped caring about me, since my protection has always been your number one priority in the past. Don't get me wrong, I love not having someone constantly stalking me anymore, but this complete one-eighty is a tad confusing. It's almost as though the threat of Voldemort will barely be felt at all over the length of the film.

Dumbledore: Huh. Imagine that.

Harry: Your hand looks vaguely blackened. Not so much dead, and easily forgotten about unless specifically brought up again.

Dumbledore: Yes, indeed. The tale is thrilling, if I do say so myself. Not that you'll ever hear more than the barest of details about it, but it is fun to tease you about it as if I'd actually tell you anything ever.

Harry: Still a bit of a dick I see.

Dumbledore: Take my arm, Harry.

Harry: Erm, sorry, sir, but I just don't see you that way—

Dumbledore: Trust me.

Harry: Yeah, see, that trust has kind of been shaken rather a lot recently—

Dumbledore: Do as I say.

Harry: But there's this nameless girl that'll never be brought up again, and I really don't want her to get the wrong idea—

Dumbledore: Do you want to move the plot along or not?

Harry: …Sigh, fine. *takes Dumbledore's arm*

What follows: *is a rather hilariously disgusting sequence of images if you bother to pause repeatedly*

Audience: Oh sure, now they introduce Side-Along Apparition. That really would've come in handy in, say, the Quidditch World Cup, getting Harry away from the Dursleys in Book Five since JKR probably hadn't come up with the Trace yet, getting Harry to the Ministry the first time around, this is such a freaking ass-pull!

Harry: …Did we just Apparate?

Dumbledore: Yep!

Harry: Thought we'd be flying around wrapped in white light or something.

Dumbledore: What? That's stupid! You're stupid!

Harry: That's nice, Imma go back to trying not to blow chunks.

Dumbledore: You've taken this in stride.

Harry: …Pretty drunk.

Dumbledore: Okay. *walks off*

Harry: Oi, at least let me get my bearings first, asshole!

Dumbledore: Nah.

Harry: AAARRRGH! *runs after him*

Dumbledore: Welcome to some random village that I'm pretty sure doesn't actually exist. Anyway, I'm assuming that you must be wondering why I brought you here.

Harry: I am, definitely, but I know you're not going to tell me anything so I've basically given up on asking you about anything ever again.

Dumbledore: Hogwarts has taught you well…what the deuce?

DOOR!: I appear to be smashed in.

WINDOWS: And we are cracked. MENACINGLY!

Dumbledore: Wands out, Harry.

Harry: I only have one, sir. Also I can't use magic outside of Hogwarts, even in emergencies.

Dumbledore: Pfft, the Ministry's barely doing anything this year, do whatever you want.

Harry: …Oh. Okay! Sweet!

Dumbledore: *lights his wand and leads the way in* This does not bode well.

SCRATCHES ON THE WALL!: *exist*

Dumbledore: Horace? *creeps forward*

Harry: Hey, I have my wand lit and there aren't any lipstick-covered envelopes flying in to ruin my life! Oh, I am going to enjoy this summer! Oh, right, the destroyed house where we're hoping to not run into a dead body. Should probably focus on that.

Dumbledore: Hoooooooraaaace?

Harry: That is a cabinet…And that is a picture of me looking morose and dead inside after Paddy-cakes died. Maybe I should emote…Naaaah.

DROPS OF BLOOD!: *exist*

Harry: That's weird. *looks up* Huh, the blood drips lead me to believe that the rather small hole in the ceiling wouldn't actually be directly above me. Also why did the blood only start dripping when I looked at it, even if this was a rush job there should've been more blood on the paper by now—OH SHIT I GOT SOME ON MY FACE EW EW EW GET IT OFF GET IT OFF.

Dumbledore: Oh stop being such a pansy. *wipes it off with his finger and immediately sticks it in his mouth*

iheartmwpp: *eyeroll* Okay, even without knowing Dumbledore was gay I would've interpreted that to be homoerotic.

Dumbledore: The taste of this blood immediately confirms what I've suspected all along. THE ARMCHAIR DID IT!

Harry: …Are you quite sure you're all right, sir!

Dumbledore: It's obvious, isn't it? It's the only object in this room not beaten all to hell! Therefore, it is the one responsible.

Harry: …Um, maybe you need a time out.

Dumbledore: IMMA POKE IT.

Harry: Okay, okay, just calm down—

Dumbledore: IMMA POKE IT! *pokes it*

Slughorn: Mind the crotch, moron! *slowly starts to morph back*

Dumbledore: …I poked you in the chest.

Slughorn: Armchair anatomy is very different and very precise, Albus! I expected better of you!

Book readers: I like his mustache. Oh wait, he doesn't have one. Way to fail at the character descriptions. Again. Gah, why must you people always get everything wrong? We didn't wait an additional eight fucking months just to watch you people fail right from the start! 'S like fucking Film Three all over again!

Dumbledore: He does make a good armchair, though, you have to admit that.

Book readers: Don't give us that, it was the set designers and the CG guys and you know it.

Slughorn: No, it was apparently wandless transfiguration, and since I am a rather talented wizard that is actually feasible in canon. And anyway, I come by the stuffing naturally.

Book readers: YOU'RE NOT THAT FAT. WE DEMAND A FAT DUDE PLAY THIS GUY.

Slughorn: So I forgot to put the Dark Mark up, didn't I?

Dumbledore: Of course not. You should've known that whoever investigated would immediately put a strange and foreign substance in their mouth. Dragon's blood tastes like goblin piss.

Slughorn: Have lots of experiences with that, do you, Albus?

Dumbledore: *glare*

Slughorn: Just trying to diffuse the tension. Oh hai random famous small child person!

Dumbledore: Oh, right, you're still here…and look completely unaffected by the strange man who used to be an armchair.

Harry: Eh, I've seen people turn into things all the time. Granted, they were usually living things, like animals and junk, but all in all I think I might be starting to get used to magical things constantly happening around me at long last.

Dumbledore: Excellent! Now then, I'd like you to meet someone who should be a lot shorter than I am, Horace Slughorn.

Slughorn: My hand's still an arm rest, hang on a sec…There we go, all better.

Dumbledore: Horace? You know who this is, right? Not gone senile yet?

Slughorn: Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You're black. Of course I know he's Harry Potter! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to close this door and lock it the Muggle way, because as a pureblood that is also slightly bigoted against Muggles I'd obviously want to do things their way whenever possible.

Dumbledore: So what's up with the sideshow, anyway? Were you really that desperate to avoid teaching again?

Slughorn: Of course not! It's not like Death Eaters have constantly been trying to recruit me or anything!

Dumbledore: I never said they were.

Slughorn: …Fuckhead. Still, do you have any idea what it's like, constantly being on the run, fleeing for your very life, never able to stay in one place more than a week?

Harry: My godfather did! He had to live in caves, eating nothing but rats! Me, I'll soon be stuck in a tent with a personality-manipulating Horcrux eating nothing but mushrooms!

Slughorn: It's been so difficult to find nice, big, empty Muggle houses that I can relax in and enjoy my meager supply of crystallized pineapple. And if course it's such a hassle to continuously set up my collection of photographs over and over again. I tell you, my life so unbelievably terrible right now.

Harry: …

Book readers: …Fine, he can stay.

Dumbledore: All that's spectacular. Pardon me while I fix the house.

Slughorn: I'll just stand here and watch!

Harry: OH MY GOD THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND FAR MORE FASCINATING THAN WATCHING A GUY MORPH INTO AN INANIMATE OBJECT AND BACK AGAIN! I WILL NEVER TIRE OF WATCHING THESE KINDS OF SITUATIONS THAT HAVE CONTINUOUSLY BECOME PART OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS! HOW DID YOU GET THE RECORDS TO FLY AROUND LIKE THAT—DID THE PIANO JUST FIX ITSELF? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE! OH THE MARVELOUSNESS THAT IS MAGIC!

Crystal: Hey, can I reconnect with the chandelier yet?

Harry: HOLY FUCK IT'S MOVING ON ITS OWN HOW IS THIS HAPPENING I NO LONGER UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THIS IS SO INCREDIBLE I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY BY WHAT HAS JUST TAKEN PLACE.

Picture frame: *straightens itself*

Dumbledore: That was pointless and went on for far too long. I hafta piss.

Slughorn: Upstairs, first door on the left.

Dumbledore: Kay thanx.

Slughorn: Don't think I don't know what you're up to, Albus!

Dumbledore: No indeed, I'm sure the concept of relieving one's bladder is one that you are very familiar with, Horace. *leaves*

Slughorn: *calling after him* Well I still ain't doing it, you old bastard! *looks at Harry* Yo.

Harry: 'Sup.

Slughorn: I don't give off the air of a pedophile in any way, Fenrir and I certainly aren't exchanging notes, whatever gave you that idea?

Harry: …I didn't infer that at all.

Slughorn: …You look like your dad but you've got—

Harry: My mum's eyes, I know. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually starting to get sick of it. Seriously, the next person who makes that comparison, I don't care if they're dying in my arms, I'm just gonna get up and leave.

Slughorn: Yes, your mother was practically a Mary-Sue, she was so incredibly perfect. Which is quite weird to make a Muggle-born turn out like that, to be honest.

Harry: Oi, that's my mother and someone who's as good as my sister you're insulting there! The latter happens to be the best in our year, I'll have you know!

Slughorn: Oh, you mustn't think I'm prejudiced! I just show astonishment at the fact that someone of a practically nonexistent blood status is able to achieve anything of worth!

Harry: …That's like the definition of being prejudiced.

Slughorn: But she was one of my favorite students, you see, so you can't think I would ever look down on her! Look, she's right over there!

Harry: Wha…She's here? She's alive? Oh God, Mum—Oh. A picture. How lovely. Twat.

Slughorn: Yes, it does take quite an effort to get all of these lovely photos perfectly arranged and all that every time I move to a different cozy suburban house like this.

Harry: Stop talking.

Slughorn: Yes, they're all my past conquests. Er…Ex-students, that is.

Harry: …Most of these people look exceedingly uncomfortable.

Slughorn: Huh. I never noticed that. Don't know why that would be the case…

Susie Shinner: YES! Finally, after being shamelessly cut out of the previous film, I'll finally be able to get a little screentime—

Geraldine Somerville: Credits say it's me again.

Susie Shinner: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

Slughorn: You recognize Barnabas Cuffe, editor of the Daily Prophet.

Harry: Nope, but now I know who to sue. Thank you for pointing him out.

Slughorn: And there's Gwenog Jones, captain of the Holyhead Harpies.

Harry: My future wife will probably replace her soon enough.

Book readers: Yay, namedropping of nonexistent, unimportant characters! This must mean that the Gaunts and Hepzibah will be involved and other minor characters like the professor the book's fucking named after will surely get screentime, right?

Movie makers: Pfft, who cares about little plot-related details like that? TEENAGE DRAMA, TEENAGE DRAMA.

iheartmwpp: What really pisses me off is that I was re-watching this shit with my mom when I could've been watching the live stream of the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. WOW I've been working on these films for a while.

Slughorn: Anyway, I get free tickets whenever I want them. Of course I haven't been able to enjoy the luxury of super-expensive tickets to a professional Quidditch game in some time. MY LIFE IS A DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF HELLISH SITUATIONS.

Harry: Go fuck yourself. *picks up photo of Slytherin Quidditch team* …Why did I just pick up this picture of the Slytherin Quidditch team? They're bloody Slytherins, aren't they?

Slughorn: Probably because you thought Regulus Black looked vaguely like his brother.

Harry: Ah, yes, that must be it.

Slughorn: I heard Sirius died a few weeks ago.

Harry: …Yes, he did.

Slughorn: Yep, killed by his cousin, I believe.

Harry: Yes, thanks, I think that's enough—

Slughorn: I taught the whole Black family except for Sirius, which rather implies that he just never took Potions instead of clearly specifying that I used to be head of Slytherin, but why actually convey things to an audience who hasn't read the books, they can just turn to the person next to them and ask, after all.

Harry: Trying to be sad here.

Slughorn: I do wish that the entire set had been in Slytherin…Wow, that would've changed so many things when you think of it. Just imagine if one person had been sorted differently. The number of ideas for AU fics based on this premise alone is absolutely staggering! And now I'm going to stare fondly at the back of your head.

Harry: …You are one creepy old bugger, you know that?

Slughorn: Now you really do sound like your mother!

Dumbledore: Horace? *comes back in* Do you mind if I take this Muggle magazine that doesn't actually belong to you and is therefore not yours to give away?

Slughorn: Er…

Harry: I'm gonna walk over to stand next to him, looking confused and out of place the whole time.

Dumbledore: I do love knitting patterns!

Slashers: HOW DID WE NOT CONNECT ANYTHING.

Slughorn: I guess…Are you leaving already?

Dumbledore: Oh no, I can see that you're doing just fine on your own and could do without the protection that Hogwarts innately offers that will be bolstered by the presents of dozens of Aurors and will also play host to many bright young people with whom you can make additional connections behind the scenes. Which sucks, but I just don't feel like arguing with you anymore. Come along, Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, POSSIBLE CHOSEN ONE, let us GTFO. Bye-bye, Horace! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye—

Harry: Okay, that's enough, let's go get you some nice pills… *takes his arm and leads him out of the house*

Slughorn: …

Dumbledore: *outside* Three, two, one…

Slughorn: *comes running out* Luckily for you, my bedroom's on fire! Yaaay, no heating bill!

Dumbledore: Sweet.

Slughorn: But I want Professor Merrythought's old office, not the cupboard under the stairs I had before!

Harry: Yeesh. *winces in empathy*

Dumbledore: All right, Harry?

Harry: Y-Yeah, fine.

Slughorn: And I want an actual decent salary, pretend I'm not a teacher but someone who actually makes money. This economy sucks. *goes back in*

Dumbledore: No kidding, we're gonna have to pay him using leprechaun gold. *wanders off, humming something*

Harry: *following him* I thought at one point he was about to say something that made sense.

Dumbledore: Yes, he narrowly avoided that.

Harry: I have to say, you're getting off to a much better start this film than the last three.

Dumbledore: You really think so?

Harry: Oh yes. You certainly have being annoyingly vague down to a science. Well done, sir, this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Dumbledore: Why thank you, my dear boy.

Harry: …Sir, I don't think you got what I was hinting at.

Dumbledore: Hmm?

Harry: That was an invitation for you to actually explain what the fuck is going on. For once.

Dumbledore: Sigh, fine. You are famous, semi-talented, and…powerful? Really? Dude knows like four spells. Eh, anyway, you're basically everything Horace values.

Harry: So you used me to lure him back to Hogwarts?

Dumbledore: Yep. Also he's gonna try to collect you.

Harry: …Collect me.

Dumbledore: You would be his most satisfying conquest yet.

Harry: …This whole conversation is making me exceedingly uncomfortable.

Dumbledore: That's nice, now deal with it. You are the only reason Horace is coming back to Hogwarts, and we desperately need him there.

Harry: That bankrupt for a Defense professor this year, are you?

Dumbledore: …Something like that. Anyway, sorry about ruining your chances of getting laid.

Harry: Eh, that's all right. I'll go back tomorrow, maybe ask her out to dinner to make sure she actually eats something—

Dumbledore: No you won't.

Harry: …I won't?

Dumbledore: Nope. In fact, you'll never see her again.

Harry: …O…kay?

Dumbledore: And you won't be going back to Little Whinging, either.

Harry: Okay, this I can live with. Except I left all my shit there.

Dumbledore: Nope! Moved everything magically while you were away.

Harry: …You're lucky that I viscerally hate the Dursleys and wish to be taken away from them at every opportunity, otherwise I'd probably resent you for moving my stuff to a new location without my permission.

Rifftrax: Now grab my horrible withered old claw so you can be tossed around violently and then vomit.

Harry: Fuck, I really hate this… *takes his arm again and they Disapparate*

~…Yes. The dust is settling where they disappeared from. And the set is very pretty. Um…Why are we lingering?~

Review or, next time you turn into an armchair, Dumbledore will poke you in a very unfortunate place.


	2. Teh DATE RAPE DRUGS ARE FUNNEH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Room, YuYu Hakusho Abridged, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show Motion Picture Movie Film, Sweeney Todd, Eddie Izzard, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Katy Perry, Dragonball Z Abridged, or Rifftrax.

~Way to just abandon him like that without any kind of confidence-boosting pep talk, that'll definitely make him regain your trust after your actions last year.~

Harry: Oh sure, Apparate me into the middle of a random swamp, see if I care…when did the Weasleys move the Burrow? *shakes his head, starts sloshing his way toward it* I actually am really pissed off that I didn't make any progress with that anorexic girl, though, I was really hoping that I might be able to turn her life around. Well that plan's been shot to hell. Now to fall in love with the next pair of fallopian tubes I see—Oh hai Ginny.

Ginny: Okay, he's like miles away and his vision is not that hot, how can he even see me from that distance?

Harry: WAIT FOR ME, MY BELOVED! *starts the journey that will take him several days to complete*

Ginny: Apparently I forgot a textbook downstairs. And now to cross my arms over it weirdly.

Hedwig: Hey, Ginny! Wow, you guys look like you've cleaned it up a bit since I was last here!

Ginny: OMFG HEDWIG! *glomps*

Poufwanians: And H/G fans rejoice. Because, of course, the H stands for Hedwig. XD

Ginny: *runs to the stairs* Muuuum!

Molly: Shouldn't you be in bed, young lady?

Ginny: Oh come on, I'm nearly fifteen and I have to start studying for OWLs anyway!

Molly: That's no excuse, now get back up to your room this instant!

Ginny: Not until you told me when Harry got here and why you're hiding him.

Molly: *coming down the stairs slightly* …Harry who?

Ginny: …Wow, first forgetting the platform number, and now this. You're the dumbest person in the septology, aren't you. Except for Tom and kids who've been named after dead people, no names ever repeat in the entire damn series.

Molly: …Look, sweetheart, I know you miss him, but you can't just pretend he's here. You are nearly fifteen after all, and if you keep up with these delusions I might have to seriously consider committing you to St. Mungo's.

Ginny: I'm not making this up! I'm looking at his trunk and owl right now!

Molly: No, dear, I seriously doubt that.

Hedwig: Oh come off it, you don't even trust your own daughter? The least you could've done would be to come down here and stare in disbelief yourself instead of outright dismissing her like this! Has she ever given you reason to doubt her before? That's bloody inconsiderate of you, that is!

Ron: I heard my best mate's name mentioned, is he here?

Ginny: Evidently. Is he up there with you?

Ron: If he was, believe me, you'd know about it.

Hermione: I heard Hedwig, what's going on?

Ginny: Apparently Harry's wandering around the place instead of actually spending time with us and practically clinging to us in his desperation for any sort of human affection. No, hiding from us totally sounds like something he'd do.

Hermione: But is he really here, though?

Harry: Stupid subtitles, Ron doesn't answer, I answer, thus announcing my presence. Who the hell worked on these things, anyway.

Ginny: Heeey. *glomps*

Harry: …Hi. *hugs back*

Ginny: …I'm like six inches taller than you.

Harry: …Yeah…

Ginny: *slowly breaks away* …So I was thinking—

Hermione: *bashes Ginny into a wall and causes her skull to crack open* HI HARRY! *glomps*

Ginny: *weakly* As soon as I dislodge this parking break from my spine, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Molly: I keep telling Arthur to keep those in the shed!

Ron: MY TURN! *glomps Harry*

Harry: Hey guys! Both of you are going to die in your sleep tonight, isn't that exciting?

Ron and Hermione: It sure is! *they laugh heartily*

Molly: And now to smother the poor little orphaned child with motherly affection! *glomps Harry* Why didn't you tell us you were coming!

Harry: Because Dumbledore just stranded me out in the pond back there after meeting with a questionable friend of his. Believe me, I had about as much warning as you guys did.

Molly: Oh, what a silly old blighter. But then what would we do without him!

Harry: Oh, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. FORESHADOWIIIIING!

Book readers: …Are all the clock hand things pointed to Mortal Peril? Whoa, nice nod to the original source material, that!

Harry: …Ron, why are you trying to poke Hermione in the face?

Ron: …You got a bit of shaving cream you missed on your upper lip, there.

Hermione: Oh, thanks, I'll wipe it off later. Right now I'm just gonna giggle awkwardly.

Molly: And I'm going to turn around and stare at you three incredulously for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

~And Ginny bled out on the floor and nobody cared.~

Harry: I'm levitating a piece of old newspaper and slowly burning it for the miniscule warmth a single sheet provides!

Book readers: Okay, what's with the movies and their love of making Harry use underage magic outside Hogwarts and only getting in trouble for it whenever the plot demands it? I know Film Three changed a lot of things, like adding a general disregard for any sort of continuity whatsoever, but they don't have to emulate everything from it!

Harry: So where's Fleur, anyway?

Ron: Fleur? Who's that?

Harry: …The Beauxbatons Champion? Part veela? You attempted to ask her to the Yule Ball? She's your eldest brother's fiancée?

Ron: I don't know what you're on about.

Harry: …Okay, so they're just gonna be randomly together for no reason in the next film, then.

Hermione: I actually thought it might have made more sense, from a filmmaker's perspective, to have it be Remus and Tonks's wedding, so when we still presumably go to Shell Cottage later the audience can have more time to bond with these two and be legitimately sad when they get killed off. Plus we could've seen Teddy, and babies are adorable.

Harry: Yeah, all we got in the book was a freaking picture. We don't even see him in the Epilogue, he's off-page! And offscreen! I want to see my godson, damn it!

Book readers: Wow, Crookshanks is in this movie! For the last time in the entire franchise, apparently! Huh, what happened to him in the books, anyway, was he shipped off to Australia with Hermione's parents, what gives? SO MANY QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED.

Harry: So how much longer have you been hanging out with Ron than me this summer, Hermione?

Hermione: Only a few days, quit your bitching. Though for a while, I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to come back.

Harry: Whut you talkin' 'bout, Hermy?

Ron: …Mum sort of entered uber-protective mode last week. She wanted me and Ginny to stay here instead of going back to Hogwarts. Said it was too dangerous. And really, with the things we've seen going on in that place, she's got a hell of a point.

Harry: Oh please, just because we've had Voldemort there a few times, basilisks living in the basement, dementors at every entrance, and acromantulas living in the forest doesn't mean there's any danger! I mean if Umbridge was gonna end up teaching again I'd stay away as well, but this year it looks like we just have to watch out for a creepy pedophile, and I'm sure if we just keep our guard up we'll be fine!

Hermione: I shall now show ingrained Wizarding prejudice against my parents by assuming they don't know a damn thing because they're Muggles. Quite frankly, they'd know if I told them about stuff. Still, it kinda makes one wonder if, if they know things are fucked up, they're still letting me go back to a world they don't understand instead of spending more time with them in case the lot of us are killed off horribly.

Ron: Anyway, Dad assumed his place as the one with the scrotum and made his woman go with his beliefs instead of letting her do what she believed to be right.

Rifftrax: She's okay with us dying now.

Ron: And you know something? I don't think I would've gotten poisoned this year if I'd stayed home.

Harry: True, those date rape drugs are extremely dangerous.

Ron: Well I was talking about the actual poison, but that is very true as well, yes.

Harry: Still, despite everything we've been through, Hogwarts is still considered the safest place there is. I mean, think of all the dangers we've had to face there, everywhere else just has to be five hundred times worse! And Dumbledore'll be back this time, and from what I can tell he's making a concentrated effort to not fail at life quite so much anymore, so what's the problem?

Hermione: Everyone thinks he's starting to get a bit senile in his old age.

Harry: …I'll give them that one. How old is he, anyway?

Ron: I think his official age is 116.

Splendifluous Trio of Wacky Hijinx: *burst into horrible, forced laughter for no reason other than, I guess, to give us a Trio Friendship Moment*

Harry: Oh, so when they get set on fire the pictures move. I understand perfectly now! I MUST BURN EVERYTHING I SEE.

Hedwig: Here we go again.

Malfoy: …Why is the newspaper making noises as the camera flashes? Photographs don't do that! WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY IS MY MOTHER'S FACE BURNING OFF HOW DID WE RUN OUT OF RAVIOLI SO FAST TELL ME WE STOCKED UP ON RAMEN. OH WE DID. AWESOME.

~And the book readers were immediately relieved that they did, in fact, keep the Spinner's End scene.~

Bellatrix: Cissy, you can't possibly think of going to him for help! I heard he had his Dark Mark laser surgically removed!

Narcissa: Odd, it isn't like you to dispute the word of our Lord.

Bellatrix: Even he has been known to make mistakes, he admitted to doing so himself!

Narcissa: Well then go and say that to his face, then, I'm sure he'll treat you to one of those nice little Cruciatus Curses that you seem to enjoy so much. At least that would get you out of my hair!

Guys on bycicles: WHEEEEEE!

Narcissa: Crap! Muggles! Here, let's lean casually against the wall where everyone can plainly see us! Damn it, why weren't Disillusionment Charms ever brought up in the films?

Bellatrix: While we've got a moment, do you think that if Helen McCrory hadn't got knocked up and stayed in my position, would Helena Bonham Carter have played you?

Narcissa: Huh. I have absolutely no idea. It is interesting to think about, though, isn't it.

Bellatrix: Yep.

Narcissa: …

Bellatrix: …The bicycle dudes have been gone for a while now…

Narcissa: Oh, right! *slips out of the alley and knocks on a door to one of the houses*

Snape: Seriously, why are the pictures no longer moving? This is most distressing.

Wormtail: Have I been locked away in here this entire time, I wonder? I was nowhere to be seen in the last installment and it's better than hanging out with That-Guy-Who-Took-My-Hand-But-Gave-Me-One-Far-More-Badass-In-Return-That-I'm-Sure-Isn't-Equipped-With-Any-Side-Effects-Whatsoever.

Narcissa: That's nice, now can we come in or not?

Wormtail: Oh fine, come on in.

Snape: AHA! It was I who was reading the newspaper in my own damn house!

M. Night Shamamalama-sama…kun: WHAT A TWIST!

Audience: Hey cool, what is basically a Sweeney Todd reunion! Sweet.

Snape: Piss off, Wormtail.

Wormtail: Hey, just because I sent the only person you ever loved to her death—OW MY NOSE!

Narcissa: Holy shit, I was standing just inside the room a few seconds ago, and now I'm sitting down with a glass of wine. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

Snape: Probably something to do with magic. Either that or we're at the mercy of random jump cuts for the second film in a row.

Bellatrix: Oh joy.

Narcissa: Anyway, I know I'm not really supposed to be here—

Snape: You're not supposed to have two-toned hair, either. Quite frankly that just looks weird and stupid, this isn't some dumb anime series, WTF.

Narcissa: Iunno.

Bellatrix: *picks something up* You have scented candles? Really?

Snape: You try sharing a house with a massive sewer rat.

Bellatrix: Good point.

Narcissa: So I'm not really supposed to talk about the underlying evil plot of evil, but—

Snape: Then shut the hell up. Bella, put down that doe figurine, you don't know where it's been.

Bellatrix: But I'm bored!

Snape: Then wait outside and stop wasting our time.

Bellatrix: *pouts*

Snape: You're just lucky that I actually know of the evil plot of evil, or your entire family would probably be dead by now.

Bellatrix: Wha…You know about it?

Snape: Don't really think I'm all that evil, do you. It's perfectly understandable. After all, over these ten long years I've played my part well. So well, in fact, that I should've at least been nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but noooo, WB had to fuck everything up by also putting the likes of Gary Oldman on the list, and Black only had two lines in the entirety of Film Eight! David Thewlis didn't have all that much to do in that one either, for that matter! They should've known that the Academy would only look at the Eighth Film instead of the series as a whole, what was wrong with them, why couldn't they just—

David Yates: Okay, cut! Alan, stop saying what everyone is thinking and just go back to the damn script.

Snape: This is my grr face. Oh, and I was able to deceive one of the greatest wizards of all time. And really, I could be talking about Dumbledore or the Dark Lord at this point, so no matter whose side I'm on I'm not really lying.

Bellatrix: Oddly enough, I'm assuming you meant Dumbledore. And I snort at you.

Snape: He's kind of a badass fighter, you've got to give him that at least.

Narcissa: I believe you're on our side, Severus.

Snape: Sweet.

Bellatrix: You should be honored that your one and only son has been given an impossible task to complete that, if he fails to do so, both he and you and probably Lucius next time there's a break in will be slowly and painfully killed.

Narcissa: Yeah, that's kind of the thing. I don't really care if I have to suffer that fate as long as my baby boy doesn't have to. With Lucius, it'll be hard but I'd eventually be able to move on, but if it's my son…I don't think I'll ever be able to recover.

Snape: …I'm sorry, but I cannot change the Dark Lord's mind.

Rifftrax: He thinks he looks good in plaid.

Snape: However, I might be able to help Draco, at the very least.

Narcissa: Oh thank you!

Bellatrix: I ain't buying it unless he makes an Unbreakable Vow or something.

Narcissa: …That would make me feel a bit better…

Snape: ELLIPSIS.

Bellatrix: Pfft. Like he'd actually do it. *saunters up to him*

US audiences: Why is Bellatrix still trying to seduce everything that moves? Tone it down, woman, this is only rated PG this time around!

Bellatrix: He'll say he'll do it, but when it actually comes to the proper moment, he'll just chicken out like the big chicken that he is.

Snape: …I don't really take that as much of an insult, actually, ‘cause chickens keep going when their heads are cut off despite the odds and that’s really pretty hardcore.

Bellatrix: …Fine, you're a bloody coward then, so nyah.

Snape: Am not!

Bellatrix: Are too!

Snape: Am not!

Bellatrix: Are too!

Snape: Am not!

Bellatrix: Are too!

Snape: Am not!

Bellatrix: Are too!

Narcissa: CHILDREN! Get over yourselves.

Bellatrix: Not until he proves he has any kind of balls whatsoever.

Snape: Take out your wand, you sadistic psycho bitch.

Bellatrix: What if I don't wanna?

Snape: I implore you to reconsider.

Bellatrix: Hmmm…Okay!

Snape and Narcissa: *clasp hands*

Bellatrix: Ooooh, better not let Lucius hear about this!

Snape: Shut up and get on with it.

Bellatrix: Fine, fine, have some magic rope things around your hands.

Narcissa: Oooooooooooh, shiiiiiiinyyyyy….

Bellatrix: But you were supposed to… *eyeroll* Whatever, I'll do it. So will you, Severus Snape, make sure Draco Malfoy doesn't fuck up as badly as he normally does?

Snape: You're asking the impossible, but I'll try.

Bellatrix: Good enough. Aaaaand apparently I enjoy feeling up my sister as well. Hooray. Oh and make sure Draco doesn't kill himself.

Snape: That I can do.

Bellatrix: And if Draco does fuck up, as we all know he will, will you complete his mission instead?

Snape: …Okay, I know if the mission is fulfilled Draco will live, so it totally makes sense for Narcissa to request that, but if I were to carry it out, then the Dark Lord would favor me above pretty much everyone else. I thought you wanted to be his number one Death Eater, so why are you the one asking this?

Bellatrix: You seem to be hesitating.

Snape: No I'm not, I'll totally do it, I just don't understand your motivations.

Narcissa: Aaand you have to be my slave forawholedaystartingNOW! *lets go*

Bellatrix: *cackles wildly*

Snape: YOU LITTLE SHIT! You got me!

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *laugh their asses off*

Snape: You got me, ohh, that is so embarrassing! Oh, that's the second time that that's happened!

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *laugh harder*

Snape: Oh, that's why I hate unbreakable curses!

Narcissa: *jumping up and down and clapping* Oh, there are so many things I'm going to have you do for me! You're going to…clean my room, and lay out my knickers—

Bellatrix: Ooo-hoo-hoo!

Snape: What?

Narcissa: And you're going to tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!

Snape: Oh, I hate chores!

iheartmwpp: In the actual movie, you can clearly see that he's regretting what he now has to do. Damn these films and their total lack of subtlety!

~HOLY FUCK THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Y U HATE TRANSITIONS, MOVIE?~

BUNNY!: Now you see me…

Grotesque twin animatronic thing: I HAZ A HAT!

BUNNY!: Now you don't!

iheartmwpp: …Pretty sure there was supposed to be a really fast jazz number here, 'cause the track called "Wizard Wheezes" on the soundtrack doesn't actually feature anywhere in the actual film, including the credits. Though I don't really care, since I love it when they reuse old music. Also apparently a behind-the-scenes interviewer guy had a cameo somewhere in this scene, thanks to Mew Musica for pointing that out!

Baby you're a fiiiiiiiirework!: The audience is now blind.

Twins: We're talking annoyingly in unison again!

George: As—

Fred: —well—

George: —as—

Fred: —saying—

George: —every—

Fred: —other—

George: —word—

Fred: —once—

George: —more.

Fred: But that's obscenely annoying, so we're stopping now.

George: So we've got a bunch of those candies that make you ill that we were developing last year.

Fred: *dodges a Fanged Frisbee* One of the most popular ones, of course — oh, hi Verity — is the sweet labeled Puking Pastilles. They're doing incredibly well with the female crowd, especially. Wonder why that is…

Chubby kid: It's not just females, I'm sick of being teased at school…

Fred and George: That's nice for you.

Girl: This thing that electrifies my hair is really just a step up from normal Muggle gags…You know, I think I prefer my hair this way, thanks!

Ron: This shop is so bloody cool…It's great that I'll end up working here one day, but it's sad that Fred'll have to die for that to happen, I don't think they would've let me otherwise.

Weird-ass Umbridge thing carrying buckets or whatever: I WILL HAVE ORDER!

Ron: *jumps out of his skin* OH GOD RUN AWAY!

Weird-ass Umbridge thing carrying buckets or whatever: I really hate children.

Fred: …The hell did we get that sound clip?

George: Iunno.

Ron: …My first contribution, getting rid of that thing so it won't scare away customers. *puts skin back on*

Boy: Yay walking on walls. These are really just Muggle contraptions and ideas and things amplified slightly with magic, aren't they.

ROCKS!: WE ARE GLITTERY. FEAR OUR AWESOME MIGHT.

Harry: Despite the complete lack of a label, I somehow know that that's Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder.

Fred: That one's really popular; in fact, we just sold a piece to Draco Malfoy! He actually came in and bought something! A Malfoy, in a Weasley shop!

George: Dad was laughing his ass off for ages when we told him!

Ginny: Of course we'd be over at the pink section of the store, us being in possession of fallopian tubes and all.

Hermione: Indeed, we are so stereotypically girly like that. I mean, just look at these stylish clips in my hair! That is totally in character for me to wear them!

Ginny: Naturally, naturally.

Fred and George: Llllllllllllladies?

Fred: I see you found our stock of Love Potions?

George: Yeah, they really do work as well, you're not gonna use it on someone only to find them falling in love with your arch rival, we solemnly swear.

Hermione: I really must protest to you selling date rape drugs in a place that's supposed to be comedic in nature, this is really serious.

Fred: Wait, date rape drugs?

George: What are you on about?

Ginny: Yeah, they're perfectly safe! All they do is cause whoever drinks it to lose their inhibitions entirely as they are forced to see whoever gave it to them in a way they wouldn't otherwise after imbibing it and may cause them to do something they'll severely regret and be ashamed of for the rest of their lives!

Hermione: …Which is the exact definition of a date rape drug. Ginny, come on, why aren't you more concerned about this?

Ginny: Because Love Potions are decidedly feminine products, blokes would rarely use them, and our society is so hopelessly behind the times that we probably still think Rape Is Okay When It's Female On Male.

Hermione: No, rape is bad in all forms, why do you think Voldemort's dad left Merope? Because she had been raping him for months.

Fred: Why are we even discussing this? It's not like Ginny'll ever need one anyway.

Ginny: True, I do in fact have a boyfriend.

George: Dean Thomas, right?

Harry: Oh good, he's in my dorm room, I won't have to go very far when I slit his throat while he sleeps.

Ginny: I don't even know why I came over here. *walks away*

Hermione: Nor do I know why I'm holding a date rape drug as if I was going to buy it.

Cormac: 'Ello, poppet. *eyes Hermione up and down*

Hermione: …Well now I feel uncomfortable and demeaned as hell. *puts Date Rape Drug back*

Ron: Hey, guys? How much for this?

Fred and George: Five Galleons.

Ron: I know, I saw the tag, I'm wondering what you're gonna charge me.

Fred and George: …Five Galleons.

Ron: …I'm your brother.

Fred and George: *shrug* Ten Galleons.

Ron: That's not fair!

Fred: Well sir, if you're having a problem with our customer support, you can call 1-800-EAT-A-DICK.

Ron: …You two may be rolling in gold now, but even with Dad's new promotion we're not doing as well as we could be, and I don't really see you two helping out at all. You lived with us for seventeen years, you should know exactly what it's like to not really be able to afford things, and you should know exactly why I don't have a lot of money to spend. So I will reiterate: How much for your younger brother who's still living off practically nonexistent Weasley pocket money.

Fred and George: …One Galleon.

Ron: Better. *flips them a Galleon and goes back to the other two* Let's ditch this place.

Hermione: But I didn't actually get anything yet!

Harry: And I should be visibly picking up some Decoy Detonators so they don't appear out of nowhere next film!

Ron: I said we're going, so we're going.

Harry and Hermione: Sigh, fine.

Lavender: Hi, Ron! *looks at him coyly*

Ron: …A girl that actually takes an interest in me. This…could be vaguely awesome, considering I don't think I have any chance with Hermione and am a little bit delusional.

Lavender: …I should get a few Puking Pastilles, I think…

~…The hell is that tiny Hungarian Horntail doing? And what are those things, chestnuts or something? Why are they free?~

Hermione: How did Fred and George actually make everything work out for them when half of the Alley's closed down and people keep getting kidnapped in broad daylight?

Ron: Fred reckons people need a laugh these days.

Rifftrax: George wanted to open a pet bakery, but Fred thought this place would be mildly less awful.

Harry: Considering I was the one who told them that in the book when I gave them their start-up loan, I reckon Fred's right.

Hermione: …And apparently we didn't actually hear about Ollivander getting kidnapped in this version. But it is rather sad, considering that everyone got their wands from Ollivander's aside from the ones who got them from Gregorovitch and other wandmakers on the planet.

Harry: Let's just wander in and look around, I'm sure the Death Eaters didn't leave any traps behind or anything. After all, that would've been intelligent of them, and we all know that's fucking impossible.

Ron: Yar. *looks out smashed window* Check it out, it's Draco and his mum skulking around the entrance of Knockturn Alley and just standing around, looking everywhere until we notice them, at which point they actually go into the place only Dark wizards are known for entering.

Harry: Yeah, that place would be stereotypically crawling with Death Eaters since Voldemort is officially back. LET'S FOLLOW THEM!

Hermione: Okay, but let's get under the Cloak first.

Harry: What Cloak?

Hermione: … *facepalm*

Harry: Huh, a wanted poster for someone called Fenrir Greyback. Wonder who he is or if he has any connections to anyone I know…Eh, it's probably not all that important anyway.

Remus: *eyetwitch*

Random crazy guy: Don't mind me, I'm just talking to the wall like I always do.

Harry: That's cool. Could you let us by, though, you're kind of blocking the path.

Random crazy guy: Oh, sure thing, sorry about that.

Harry: No problem.

Ron: What a nice guy.

Random dog owner: I own dogs.

Hermione: …That's nice for you.

Narcissa and Draco: WE ARE WALKING.

Harry: MY MIND IS BLOWN.

SIGN!: Hey, remember Borgin and Burke's from the second film? IT IS COOL AND EVIL AND STUFF.

Narcissa: …A pleasant bell chime thing as I open the door? I…I was expecting something a little more evil sounding…

Draco: Let's just get this over with, Mother.

Stalker Trio of Sneakiness: …Crap.

WINDOW!: *now has a light coming from it*

Harry: LET'S CLIMB ON THE ROOF!

Ron: Dude, this isn't a platforming game, what the hell.

Death Eaters: 'Sup. *go into the shop through the back door*

Climbing Trio of I Can See My House From Here: *climb on the roof*

Draco: *fondles cabinet*

Harry: …On second thought, I'm not sure we should be watching this…

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *walk over to Draco*

Harry: Damn it, I'm slipping…

Narcissa: *kisses Draco's cheek*

Draco: It's a really good thing none of my school rivals are watching me right now.

Greyback: I'm in ur shop, blocking ur view.

Panicked Trio of Oh Snap: *ducks behind roof, jostling tiles as they do so*

Greyback: I could've sworn I just heard a loud noise outside, and considering me and Bellatrix, at the very least, are wanted by the Ministry, I should probably go check it out and make sure it's not a group of Aurors and/or Order members tailing us.

In Deep Shit Trio of We Are Gonna Die: *wet themselves*

Greyback: OR I COULD IGNORE EVERYTHING AND CLOSE THE SHADE BECAUSE IF THEY CAN'T SEE US THEY WON'T KNOW WE'RE IN HERE. *closes shade*

Harry: I love how we never get caught whenever we sneak around to find out important information that would otherwise be kept from us.

Ron: Well in this case, the people we're trying to spy on are kind of evil and wouldn't've told us anything anyway.

Harry: Hence the fun of spying.

~There's a train whistle in the background. I guess that kind of counts for a transition except not really at all.~

Review or Bellatrix will TOUCH YOUR THINGS.


	3. Teh WAIT, WHERE'S TONKS—OH HAI LUNA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Code MENT, Final Fantasy VII Abridged (yes, one exists, and it's pretty funny too), Pokémon 'Bridged, Dragonball Z Abridged, Thor, Doctor Who, or Rifftrax.

~WE ARE NOW ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS. DOES THIS ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE TRAIN HELP ESTABLISH THAT?~

Dean: Hey, didn't you have that Pygmy Puff last year as well?

Ginny: …No, I just got it about a week ago, where'd you get that idea?

Dean: Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7.

Ginny: Merlin's immaculately shaved legs, how could they mess up something so simple?

Luna: Why does no one want the free magazine, at least for comedic value if they're too closed-minded to believe anything that's written in it?

Dean: Hang on, let me move so you can pass.

Luna: Thank you, you're very kind. Did you know that several fanfiction writers were convinced that we would get together after we spent time together at Shell Cottage?

Dean: Huh. If we did, I doubt we lasted long.

Luna: That's nice. *notices Arnold* He's adoragable. They've been known to sing on Boxing Day, you know.

Ginny: …Considering they're a new breed, no, I didn't know.

Luna: Oh they're not new, your brothers only rediscovered them.

Ginny: Oh. Well if he does sing, I'll be sure to let you know.

Luna: That's nice. Quibbler?

Ginny: Oh please.

Luna: …What was that bit at the end of Film Two when you swore you'd become a better actress?

Ginny: *hastily* What's a Wrackspurt?

Luna: They're invisible creatures that float in your ears and make your brain go fuzzy.

iheartmwpp: There's got to be an infestation in here, this beginning section isn't funny at all.

Luna: I'm gonna see if anyone else wants one.

Ginny: Cool beans.

Dean: Well that was weird.

Camera: *pans to two train cars behind them. And once again, Hermione and Ron aren't with the prefects because prefects don't exist anymore. Hooray!*

Harry: So what was Draco doing molesting that cabinet like that, and who were all those people aside from his mother and his aunt and all of the people whose faces are plastered on every wall as being wanted by the Ministry and who we know to be Death Eaters? And why are we waiting until days later when half the train ride is over to only now start talking about any of this?

Ron: Well—

Harry: Don't you see?

Ron: And he cuts me off.

Harry: It can't have been anything to do with that cabinet that's being held in an evil shop of evil, nor could he be purchasing any other kinds of dark objects. It had to be some kind of ceremony or initiation or Dance Dance Revolution tournament or something!

Hermione: And how do you figure that?

Harry: It was easy to deduce once I figured out (-b+/-(square root)b^2-4(ac))over 2a!

Hermione: Harry, that's the Quadratic Equation, what have you been doing this whole time?

Harry: It's happened! The thing we've basically been waiting for since we first met the git and learned what kind of person his father is has finally happened!

Ron: Somehow I'm completely in the dark about this.

Hermione: It's okay, I'll explain it slowly for you. Harry's somehow convinced that Draco Malfoy has become a Death Eater.

Ron: …Wow, I don't think I've ever heard anything more idiotic in my life. I mean, just because he was raised by Death Eaters and was completely surrounded by them and had their complete attention while we were spying on him is no reason to assume the worst! I mean, what would Sir-Not-Quite-Appearing-In-This-Film want with someone roughly the same age as one of his most hated enemies who can keep a close eye on said enemy and pass information about him directly to his master so The-Guy-Who-Desperately-Wants-To-Kill-My-Best-Mate-But-That's-Not-Important-This-Time can gain ammunition on this guy so he can take him down with relative ease? That's just silly, you silly!

Harry: Well then what was he doing in Borgin and Burke's, fulfilling his perverted fantasies with the furniture?

Ron: Hey, we all have our kinks, I try not to judge.

Harry: I've fallen into the habit of judging people based on who their families were, because of course Sirius turned out exactly like the cousin who ended up murdering him and hated anyone who's not a pureblood wizard, and I'm definitely an arrogant bullying toerag who would shut my younger relatives or charges away in closets if I was ever burdened with them.

Ron: Which is why Andromeda's gonna raise Teddy.

Harry: Quiet, you. Besides. Hermione saw it with her own eyes!

Hermione: …We all saw something weird going on, you idiot. I know the original script had us get separated or something, though. They really should've fixed that inconsistency for the final product. But yeah, other than our most hated rival surrounded by murderers working directly for the guy who murdered your parents and is trying to murder you, I don't really think we saw anything overly incriminating.

Rifftrax: Just some bones and a pentagram on the floor and a "Congradulations, New Death Eater" banner.

Harry: Why aren't you guys even considering this?

Ron: Because we've been wrong every single time so far?

Harry: What're you talking about?

Hermione: Snape wasn't after the Stone, Malfoy wasn't the Heir of Slytherin, Sirius was innocent, Karkaroff didn't put your name in the Goblet—

Ron: Neither did you, I was wrong about that too.

Hermione: —and Sirius wasn't at the Department of Mysteries.

Harry: …

Ron: …I was trying to head away from that topic…

Harry: …I need some air. *grabs Cloak and exits compartment*

Hermione: …Too soon?

Ron: *thwacks her upside the head*

Harry: *walking up train, hiding Cloak behind back; oddly, no one's trying to gawk at him and Slughorn does not appear to be present. Poop*

Exterior shot of the train: *is there to remind us of the fact that we are still on the train*

Second exterior shot of the train: *…lather, rinse, repeat…? I honestly have no idea*

Slytherin twin #1: Hi, remember when we were a plot point?

Slytherin twin #2: Pity that one scene got cut for time.

Slytherin twin #1: And even then, they could've used the Gryffindor twins or something.

Slytherin twin #2: Thought one of them was in Ravenclaw.

Slytherin twin #1: Okay, people are really starting to get tired of that one.

Slytherin twin #2: Doesn't change the fact that they fucked up.

MAN: Don't worry. When we get to Hogwarts, we'll sort it out.

Harry: …Subtitles are awesome, I never caught that. Wait, there's an adult on the train who's not the trolley lady or the conductor or an actually competent teacher?! Suddenly I want to know everything about this strange mysterious person!

Malfoy: Somehow I don't notice Potter in the doorway as I reach up to grab something.

Book readers: …Since when does the Hogwarts Express have a dining car?

Harry: It's a good thing we focused on the Instant Darkness Powder from earlier, otherwise nothing would've made any sense!

Third exterior shot of the train: *is actually useful as it shows the car going dark*

Students: …Okay, this is less Instant Darkness Powder than it is Instant Bluish Sparkle Powder.

Malfoy: …WTF. Blaise?

Blaise: Why am I here and where are Crabbe and Goyle.

Pansy: It's probably just a first year messing around, let's all just forget about it and not do anything to investigate whatsoever.

Malfoy: You'd make a good Death Eater. Wait, have you been recast?

Pansy: Surprising no one, yes I have.

Malfoy: Cool. Also, Crabbe and Goyle are kind of sitting right next to you on the other side.

Blaise: …It was so dark I couldn't see.

Malfoy: Riiiiiight.

Pansy: I don't believe you!

Malfoy: *sits down* So anyway, Hogwarts freaking suuuucks. And my comment about the Astronomy Tower is vaguely darkly hilarious in hindsight. Eh, least I won't have to do two more years.

Pansy: Why am I not sitting next to you?

Malfoy: Oh please, don't get up on my account. Please. I'm begging you.

Pansy: Har har. So you dropping out or what?

Malfoy: Might be. Next year though.

Blaise: Yeah, that'll go over well. The son of Lucius Malfoy, a Hogwarts dropout.

Malfoy: Hey, there are plenty of respectable people who are dropouts. Not every job needs a four-year college education. Hell, you'd have a tough time finding a job in this day and age even with one. It's all a complete waste of time and effort, if you ask me.

Harry: HOW DID I GET UP HERE.

Malfoy: The bag moved slightly! Clearly someone invisible has to be up there pushing things around and nothing could possibly be jostled by the movement of the train!

Hagrid: An' now it's nighttime. These edits still ain't jarrin' in any way.

Fang: …Train's taking a while to stop. Though it's cool how it actually arrived in the evening again, Film Four confused the crap out of me.

Blaise and Pansy: ….We going or what?

Malfoy: You go on, I want to check something.

Blaise and Pansy: What do you want to check, there's literally nothing we can see in this car.

Malfoy: *eyeroll* Crabbe and Goyle were never this argumentative. Where did those two go off to, anyway?

Hermione: *sounding exhausted* Where's Harry?

Ron: …You okay?

Hermione: Just a little bit sick of all this, I sort of want to move on with my life.

Ron: We only have three more to go, hang in there.

Hermione: I'll try. Harry's still missing, though.

Ron: I should be far more concerned over the fact that he's nowhere in sight, considering there are Death Eaters all over the country and everything, but instead I'll just assume he's fine.

Hermione: I instantly agree with you. *follows him off the train*

Malfoy: *grabs bag off rack, waits for other people to leave, then shuts the car door and pulls shade down, causing all the shades on the whole car to go down*

iheartmwpp: …Okay, that was clever. Though how no one noticed that…Also why is no one talking? Usually, even if you spent a train ride together, you'll want to catch up with people, and not every group of friends can fit into one tiny train compartment! TALK, DAMN YOU!

Malfoy: Didn't anyone ever tell you it was rude to listen in on important conversations in order to continuously figure out the underlying plot of whichever installment you happen to be immersed in, Potter? Petrificus totalus!

Harry: I have an owie.

Malfoy: Oh thank Merlin, I would've really embarrassed myself if no one was actually there.

Camera: Floor pretty.

Malfoy: *pulls Cloak off Harry* I'm up here, and you're down there.

Harry: *stands up* Well now I'm up here!

Malfoy: But I'm still taller!

Harry: …

Malfoy: Sit back down!

Harry: Okay. *complies*

Malfoy: You're down there!

Harry: I know!

Malfoy: I'm above you!

Harry: Stop it!

Malfoy: I'm standing!

Harry: I wish I were standing!

Malfoy: Yeah you do! Also your mum's dead.

Harry: Oh really? I didn't know.

Malfoy: Yep. Thought you'd like to know that. *stomps on Harry's nose*

Harry: I have another owie.

Malfoy: Oh, was that your nose? That was your nose.

Harry: You're observant, you are.

Malfoy: Now then, what to do with you. Let's see…I could either take the incredibly useful Cloak thing and use it in my own endeavors, or I could use it to cover you up so no one could find you. I think I'll take the second one, it is a delightful way to get back at you with the added bonus of leaving you trapped and helpless…OMFG I have to contact the Dark Lord straightaway, fuck killing Dumbledore, imagine what he'd do if I brought him the Boy Who He Wants To Kill Even More Than He Wants To See Dumbledore Dead! This is brilliant, I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier! But I probably don't know about contacting him through the Dark Mark yet, so I need to get an owl to him as quickly as I can, somehow making it through Hogwarts's new security! Damn, putting exactly which train car thing he's in is gonna be a bitch to put into code… *puts the Cloak back over Harry and leaves*

Rifftrax: Now to drink pumpkin juice and eat candy. But in a menacing way.

Harry: …Well this sucks. Oh well, Tonks'll come and rescue me soon enough.

Kaleidoscope vision: *takes over the camera*

Audience: … *head tilt* …Okay…?

Luna: *opens door*

Book readers: …Well if they had to get rid of Tonks at least they replaced her with Luna—Hang on, does this mean her romance with Remus is getting cut? Oh God, Teddy's not going to exist at all, is he. *prepares flaming torches*

Tonks: Calm down, we show up at Christmas.

Book readers: Is the subplot covered satisfactorily?

Tonks: …That's a matter of opinion—

Book readers: *sharpen pitchforks*

Tonks: I-I mean yes, it totally is, yes.

Book readers: Oh. Okay then! *sit back and enjoy the awesomeness that is Luna Lovegood being a badass*

Luna Lovegood: *is a badass* HA! Wrackspurts do exist! Take that, Granger! *pulls out wand* Finite!

Cloak: *vanishes for the rest of the movie*

Book readers: …Hold up. Finite reverses the effects of a fucking Hallow?

Luna: Yes, it doesn't really add up, does it?

Harry: I LIVE. *gets up*

Luna: HI HARRY!

Harry: HI LUNA! Wait, how the hell did you where to find me?

Luna: *taps Spectrespecs* Saw a whole colony of Wrackspurts buzzing around your brain. You'll probably have a bit of an issue with schoolwork this year, I'm afraid.

Harry: Eh, I'm not taking potions and it's not OWL year so whatever. And now to stand here, crouched slightly, and look retarded.

Luna: That's nice.

~There are Aurors all over the place, so why isn't anyone checking the train in this version?~

Harry: Sorry about making you miss the carriages…Though you probably would've missed them anyway considering you were basically just walking through the train looking for any sign of Wrackspurts whatsoever.

Luna: Yes, I do enjoy going off and discovering creatures like that. But I don't mind spending time with you. It's almost like how I imagined spending time with a friend would be like.

Harry: …You don't have to imagine. You are my friend.

Luna: …Suddenly I wish I was back at home, I know exactly how I want my room to be decorated. Not that it'll show up in the film, but the Lego game has a rather sweet tribute at least.

Flitwick: It's about bloody time! I've been looking all over for you two, as evidenced by me staying in the same spot and mot moving at all and apparently never bothering to search the train! Right then…Names?

Harry: …We. Are. At. War. I was just beaten up by someone who I'm convinced is a Death Eater, and I've got the bloody nose to prove it. He could've ripped out a fistful of my hair at any time and used it to Polyjuice himself or something. Hell, you could be Polyjuiced, it's happened to teachers before, and evidently you don't recognize me after teaching me for five years, so I have no idea why I'm not more suspicious of you.

Flitwick: Those are all stupid, unimportant concerns, Potter, kindly shut the hell up.

Luna: Who's that darkly dressed wizard that just walked over to those other darkly dressed people? I sure hope they're not evil!

Flitwick: They're not, they're Aurors.

Luna: That means nothing, they could totally still be evil.

Harry: Least the Ministry's not posting dementors everywhere again, that's cool. Is Tonks here?

Flitwick: Nope!

Harry: …Why not?

Flitwick: 'Cause they basically cut her from everything but the Christmas scene.

Harry: …She's not canonically in the Christmas scene.

Flitwick: She is now.

Harry: But I thought she and Remus were the director's favorite characters, and if we've learned anything from Steve Kloves, the dearer the character is to the filmmaker, the more they're annoyingly shoehorned into every scene and given less important characters' lines!

Flitwick: Hey, be thankful that they're in the movie at all. And who cares anyway, they're not essential to the plot.

Harry: Right, I forgot infants are insignificant. And if Tonks doesn't show off her wolf Patronus and we never find out that Patronuses—

Flitwick: Patroni.

Harry: Whatever, can change, then everyone who hasn't read the books will think that Snape is my real father or something equally stupid.

Flitwick: Oh that's just stupid fan bitching. Name one person who actually believed that when they walked out of Film Eight.

Raven Wolfmoon: My father.

Flitwick: …

Filch: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow?

Malfoy: It's not a walking stick, you stupid idiot—

Filch: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow?

Malfoy: Shut up, it's a pimp cane!

Flitwick: *closes gate and apparently puts a protective enchantment around the entire castle so powerful it can KILL BUGS. Don't mess with this motherfucker*

Filch: Meow meow meow, prrrrr, mrow, meow meow meow? Meow meow meow meow, mrow meow, prrrrr, prrrr.

Malfoy: Wha… Could be construed as an offensive weapon? We carry wands, for Merlin's sake! And besides that, a sharp enough quill could easily take someone's eye out or be used to kill if you aim for the jugular, are you gonna start talking away writing implements next? Because that'll make it a tad difficult to do those essays you people like to torture us with!

Snape: He's got a point, Mr. Filch. Besides, just because it probably has his father's wand still in it can't possibly mean that it's dangerous in any way, though since he was sent to Azkaban I don't understand why the Ministry didn't confiscate it since it was on him in the Department of Mysteries, but they are still quite incompetent anyway. Mr. Malfoy may retain possession of the obvious murder weapon.

Harry and Luna: *monotone* We are looking at something.

Malfoy: My pimp cane. *grabs it from Filch, looks over at Harry* Omigod, like, that bloodstain totally goes with your eyes!

Harry: Like, I know, right?

Snape: I like making my cloak billow.

Harry: I HAD NO IDEA.

Luna: Your face seems to be broken. Would you like me to try and fix that? Personally, I think you look like you've actually been doing something to fight the forces of evil which might make a lot of people feel better to know that someone they suspect is the Chosen One is doing their part, but it's your choice.

Harry: …I would feel so much better if a Healer or an Auror would take care of it, but I do trust you…assuming you've actually fixed a nose before.

Luna: Nope!

Harry: LET'S DO THIS.

Luna: That's nice. Episkey.

Harry: OH GOD I THINK YOU BROKE MY BRAIN.

Luna: Oh, that was already broken, don't worry.

Harry: …I think you did fix my nose, though. Nice going for a really useful spell we'll never see again ever.

Luna: Indeed.

Harry: So how do I look?

Luna: Exceptionally ordinary.

Harry: I LOVE YOU. PLEASE HAVE MY CHILDREN.

Luna: No, I don't think so.

Harry: DAMN IT.

~I like to think that, in order to abruptly change the subject in the great hall, people would look up and say "My, what a beautiful ceiling we have today!"~

Students: …The dessert menu seems a lot smaller than it has in recent times. Are we starting to run out of food or did a bunch of concerned parents and guardians insist that we shouldn't be eating so much junk food because that somehow makes kids eat more junk food instead of the kinds of food that their parents or guardians buy for them. Come on, we have a hundred and forty-two staircases and we go up and down at least half of them on a daily basis to get to all our classes each day, we walk it off!

Ron: I seem to have chosen jello. YAY jello. Also, quit worrying, I'm sure he'll be here any minute and just got held up by the Aurors or something because they think he's the Chosen One and are trying to talk to him about making the Ministry look good on Scrimgeour's behalf or something. Or he could've been kidnapped by Death Eaters, who knows.

Hermione: I can't, I've got my Worrying FaceTM on, it's one of the only two expressions I have at this point! LET ME USE THEM.

Ron: Fine, whatever.

Ginny: I appear to be sitting next to you.

Neville: I'm nearby too, though I'm mostly sitting this film out aside from the comedy bit at the Christmas party.

Ginny: What is it with awesome characters only showing up around the holidays and never being seen again this film?

Neville: Iunno.

Hermione: Voldemort's on the loose, Death Eaters are roaming the country destroying random landmarks that don't exist yet at will, and your best friend is conveniently missing at this point in time, yet you've managed to consume four wild boar, six pheasants, a side of beef, and two casks of ale! Shame on you! Don't you care? *knocks the plate away from him onto the floor*

Ron: *glares, stands up* DO NOT MISTAKE MY APPETITE FOR APATHY!

Hermione: Well then why don't you do something about it?

Ron: Why don't you do something about it? Instead of nagging at me for eating and not doing anything, you should be nagging at me to stop eating and help you do something instead of expecting me to do everything foryou! Take some initiative and take charge once in a while, it'll help you seem less whiny and bitchy!

Hermione: Well excuse me for actually giving a shit if Harry's all right or not!

Ron: Excuse me for having a modicum of faith in my best mate! Who, by the way, just walked in with Luna. Now calm down, you crazy-ass bitchface!

Hermione: Your mum's a crazy-ass bitchface!

Random Gryffindor who can't possibly be Head Boy because Head Boys don't exist anymore: I haz the Sorting Hat!

Harry and Luna: GET OUTTA MY FUCKING WAY. WE WANT FOOD.

Random Gryffindor who can't possibly be Head Boy because Head Boys don't exist anymore: This is why everyone thought both of you were crazy last year. Now we still think one of you is.

Luna: That's nice.

Ginny: He's covered in blood again. Did Luna punch him in the face, I wonder?

Ron: Probably. I'll have to thank her later.

Hermione: Where have you been? What happened to your face? What's with the new haircut, it looks worse than the one last film and that's saying something. How did you and Luna suddenly change into robes if you didn't change on the train? How did any of us suddenly change into robes if we didn't change on the train? How come Luna had to take over from Tonks in the previous scene? Why is Voldemort basically laying low this year and having his minions do all the dirty work for him, only two acts of which will be seen on screen and only one of those will have any lasting effect while the other isn't even canonical? When did—

Harry: Oh God shut up, I'll tell you later. *reaches for food that isn't really there* Great, I missed the feast. Eh, it's not like I'm not used to starving.

Hermione: What was that?

Harry: Nothing, don't worry about it. So what did I miss?

Ron: Apparently the Sorting Hat started singing.

Harry: Really? It never used to do that before in this version, what prompted the change?

Ron: Steve Kloves actually being semi-cool and ripping lines directly from the book to make the book readers giggle and satisfy people who have been waiting eight additional months for this shit to come out.

Harry: That was pretty awesome of him, yes, as was him giving the line to you instead of Hermione.

Ron: Yep, I was worried when he took over writing again, but it looks like things are starting to finally turn around!

Rifftrax: Give a hoot, don't pollute. I'm a podium.

Dumbledore: I've only just noticed that my hair is a lot straighter and actually looks white instead of the nasty-ass grey I've been dealing with.

Students: …Did he…Did he change his robes? MERLIN'S OUTDATED VCRS THAT SOMEHOW STILL WORK, THE WORLD IS ENDING.

Ginny: You missed a bit of blood. Here, let me get it off using your already completely blood-stained and soaked through handkerchief thing.

Harry: Hey yeah, why doesn't this place have any napkins, you'd think people would know that children are kind of messy and even amongst the older of us accidents still happen or people come in with their faces bashed in. Inconsiderate asshats.

Dumbledore: The very best of evenings to you all!

Students: Speak for yourself, what happened to the towers of ice cream? WE DEMAND CRAP.

Dumbledore: And now for the usual introduction to the newest staff member. This time it's not exactly new blood so much as me dragging back old blood out of desperation. The guy wearing the stupid-ass graduation cap that he somehow made stay on his head is my old friendly-friend, Horace Slughorn.

Slughorn: *stands up* I'm wearing a bowtie. Bowties are cool.

Dumbledore: Oh, BTW, he's not your new Defense professor. He's gonna be your new Potions professor.

Three quarters of the school: …Wut.

Dumbledore: Severus Snape has finally fulfilled his lifelong ambition to become Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Which I finally agreed to only to make him shut the hell up.

Three quarters of the school: …Wut.

Slyherins: We should be cheering much harder for this instead of just clapping politely.

Malfoy: I'm bored and I have my wand out for some reason.

Harry: …This is fucked up.

Dumbledore: Now as you all might have noticed, each and every one of you was given a full-body cavity search upon your arrival here tonight.

Harry and Luna: *blink and exchange looks across the hall while everyone else shifts uncomfortably* Wow, the perks of being late.

Dumbledore: I'm sure you're all wondering why you were all rectally probed.

Students: We assume it's because That-Guy-Who's-Not-Even-Gonna-Attempt-Anything-This-Year had something to do with it. And we understand you need extra security, but your methods are very severe invasions of our privacy and personal freedoms and we could probably make a strong case against all of this as entirely unnecessary and doing more harm than good.

Dumbledore: Well you can't, because if you do, the terrorists win. And anyway, none of that is important right now. What is important is for me to tell the most basic backstory to who Tom Riddle is and yet never come out and say that he grew up to be Lord Voldemort.

Vast majority of students: Yeah, that name doesn't mean a thing to us.

Aurors: WE ARE PACING.

Dumbledore: Also, he and his forces could kill all of you and your loved ones at any moment. Just something to think about. Now off to bed, pip pip.

Ron: …Jesus, at least we could take the mickey out of Umbridge's speech last year, this is just depressing.

Malfoy: I don't wanna go to bed yet! *pouts*

~I vaguely remember Draco bragging about kicking Harry Potter's face in. Guess they need to establish that Draco has shit to do this year, because that wouldn't've possibly been accomplished by making him do shit.~

Review or you will be replaced with someone infinitely more awesome.


	4. Teh HERMIONE'S HAIR'S CANON YAY FACE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Starship, Lord of the Rings, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Nullmetal Alchemist, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Spoony's Let's Play of Phantasmagoria 2, or Rifftrax.

~The next morning, apparently…~

McGonagall: Evidently I don't have any classes of my own yet, so my time is now being spent trying to shepherd all the new students. Why the fuck do I work here again? Also I sound slightly frustrated that no one can find their way around when these are first years and this is probably their first day of classes. Which always seems to take place on the day after they arrive, giving them no time whatsoever to get used to the place. The first day of classes is also always somehow a Monday every year. Because that totally makes sense.

Harry: I am so drunk right now.

Ron: I don't really know why we're supposed to find people failing to find their way around Hogwarts particularly amusing. Hell, I'm supposed to be a prefect, I should've been roped into helping these guys…On second thought, let's just stay standing on this bench and acting like idiots.

Harry: I am down with that.

McGonagall: Potter!

Harry: Oh bugger.

Ron: Busted!

Harry: Why is she just calling me?

Ron: Sucks to be you!

Harry: No kidding.

McGonagall: *exasperatedly* And just why are you two behaving like a bambling, bumbling, band of baboons?

Harry: Because we have nothing better to do, of course!

McGonagall: What happened to your life's dream of becoming an Auror?

Movie watchers: …Did we miss a scene? Because judging from the last film we would've thought he wanted to become a teacher or something since he seemed to really enjoy that.

Harry: Well I did want to do that, but I didn't get an Outstanding on my OWL. Considering that the only test we took onscreen was cut short due to Fred and George blowing up the great hall, I kind of think everyone failed that one due to lack of time needed to complete it…That whole side plot had very little payoff in the end, really.

McGonagall: Well Professor Snape has exceptionally high standards that make it impossible for most students to pursue any kind of worthwhile career if they do any less than perfect in that one class, even if it was just one question that they missed on the whole test. Thankfully we once again have a vaguely competent teacher who accepts students who are doing fairly well and want to have, you know, a job later in life.

Harry: Sweet, and not only will Snape not be teaching it, but as far as movie watchers know Potions will be the only class we have this year so I'll never have to interact with that greasy git in a classroom setting ever again! This is probably the best year I'll ever have at Hogwarts!

McGonagall: …Aren't people dying horribly every day now that He-Who-Is-Probably-Hiding-In-Malfoy's-Secret-Cellar-Thing-All-Year-Or-Something is now on the move? How is this the best year ever when one of your classmates' mother will be killed offpage and a five-year-old will be mercilessly torn apart by Fenrir Greyback?

Harry: Eh, that's not nearly as important as the many love triangles this film is centered around.

McGonagall: I suppose you're right. But please take Mr. Weasley to Potions with you, we can't have him actually having fun, after all.

Harry: Spoken like a true teacher…What do you actually teach again?

McGonagall: *facepalm*

~HALLWAYS ARE AWESOME.~

Ron: I don't wanna go to Potions, I apparently don't want to become an Auror! Besides, they're finally bringing Quidditch back this year and I really want on the team! I was going to use these free periods to practice, which is why we were standing around like idiots instead of grabbing some time on the Quidditch field where McGonagall would've have found us!

Slughorn: So if your preparations are shoddy your potion's gonna explode in your face.

Harry and Ron: WE ARE WANDERING IN.

Slughorn: Ah! Harry, my immediate favorite, I was beginning to worry that you actually failed at the subject I teach and therefore I wouldn't be able to spend quite as much quality time with you! Not that I wouldn't leave you alone when it came to the Slug Club even if you did suck, but now I'm just more keen on you than ever!

Harry: …That's…great…

Slughorn: And who is this failure you've brought along with you?

Ron: I'm Ron Weasley, not that you'll remember me or think me worthy of anything even if I'll eventually destroy a bloody Horcrux that He-Who-Only-Knew-About-Horcruxes-Because-Of-You only knows about because of you, why would that prove my worth in any way.

Lavender: The mere sound of his voice makes me nearly orgasm. HE WILL BE MINE.

Hermione: Bitch I totally called dibs! Don't forget, I know where you sleep.

Lavender: Uh-huh, whatever.

Book readers: WRONG! Dean, Seamus, Lavender, and especially Neville, Crabbe, and Goyle never made it into the Potions NEWT class! Fuck, why are Katie, Leanne, and Romilda all in the sixth year Potions class when Romilda's a fourth year and the other two are seventh years? CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Ron: So I really don't want to be taking this class so I should probably just leave—

Harry: You are not leaving me alone with this guy.

Slughorn: Nonsense, any friend of Harry's is a friend of mine, which is why I will constantly forget your name later and won't do anything to help you when you're choking to death on the floor of my office. So get prepared and stuff.

Harry: Um, we didn't think we'd be taking this class so we don't have any books or supplies or anything else.

Slughorn: Oh don't worry, we conveniently have some spare books in the cupboard, I'd been meaning to talk to Severus about cleaning out but he's been taking his sweet time on this one. Now while the slackers work on catching up, can anyone identify these potions and what their purpose is?

Harry and Ron: *clearly open the cupboard in the background*

Hermione's eyebrows: *raise hand*

Slughorn: Yes, Miss…?

Hermione's eyebrows: Granger, sir. *walks over to the cauldrons, for some reason doing this weird thing when she can't decide whether she wants to look at the actual cauldrons or the teacher, it's kind of annoying and distracting and makes her look like she's about to piss herself at any moment as it's her Worrying FaceTM*

Harry and Ron: *…open the cupboard again. Smooth* An new book and an shitty book. What a dilemma.

Hermione: That one there is Veritaserum, which was only used once and has since been brought up by every fan ever as to why it's never seen in court, and apparently it's like your average lie detector test in which it can be fooled if one knows it's coming. Somehow. As we are supposed to be using magic and this is supposed to be the most powerful Truth Serum there is, as "three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets," most fans think this is a load of bullshit to cover up a plot hole that they've drawn too much attention to.

Harry and Ron: *look at each other and immediately wrestle for the newer book in one of the actually truly funny parts the film had been promising but which are in fact very few and far between. And because Ron eats regularly, he easily beats the scrawny little twerp who is somehow our main character*

Hermione: And that one's Polyjuice Potion, a large batch of which will easily show up in Films Seven and Eight with no real way of us obtaining it as it's terribly tricky to make…don't ask me how I know that.

Harry: Oh joy, I get the shitty one.

Ron: YAY I GOT SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE THIS IS AMAZING I WILL TREASURE THIS MOMENT FOREVER I WANT MORE JELLO.

Harry: *thwacks him with book, ending the really funny for quite some time, the rest of the class is really only chuckle-worthy*

Hermione: And this is Amortentia, the most powerful date rape drug in the world. *eyes move back and forth again, PICK A SUBJECT AND FOCUS, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO FUCK UP THE ANSWERS SO DON'T LOOK AS IF SOMEONE WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T GET THEM RIGHT* It's supposed to smell different to each person according to what turns them on. For example, I smell…freshly mown grass—

Magic-raised students: What does "mown" mean?

Hermione: …and new parchment and…something I'm not supposed to say out loud except it was totally spearmint toothpaste even though it should've been whatever shampoo Ron uses because JKR specifically said it's usually someone's hair but since I am a special and unique snowflake I get to have something totally different.

Lavender: Don't flatter yourself, you're the same hunk of organic matter as everyone else.

Slughorn: Now, Amortentia doesn't create actual love, of course, you can't force yourself to love someone you truly have no feelings for and there's really no such thing as learning to love someone…if only people understood that…ANYWAY! It does cause a powerful lust and obsession, and whoever's under its influence has absolutely no control over their own actions whatsoever.

iheartmwpp: Of course only the girls would crowd around a love potion, boys have absolutely no interest in getting a girl's attention after all, and all girls are interested in is getting boyfriends. Fuck everything.

Slughorn: And because I'm not showing off any lethal, slow-acting, painful potions today, it's probably the most dangerous one in this room and I really shouldn't be leaving it unguarded like this where any fourth year posing as a sixth year could sneak some out. *closes lid*

Katie: Sir? Hermione totally failed to tell us what's in that one because she fails at life.

Hermione: I KNEW IT! I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, I'M TOTALLY WORTHLESS AT LIFE! *sobs*

Slughorn: Ah, right. This little thing, ladies and jelly spoons, is a thingy whose Latin name is Felix Felicis, making this the first Potion I think we come across with more than one stupid name attached to it. It's more commonly known as—

Hermione: Liquid Luck, I say without even bothering to raise my hand this time.

Slughorn: Yes, Miss Granger, I say with my eyebrow raised so oddly that it's probably stuck permanently now. Liquid Luck, in case you in the back didn't hear.

Neville: …There's no one behind us, sir.

Slughorn: It's incredibly tricky to make and if you slip up even once chickens'll pour out your ears. But it's totally worth it since you take even a miniscule sip and everything you try will actually work out perfectly if it's in the realms of possibility.

Draco: …We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious…

Slughorn: And then it wears off and you'll suddenly shit yourself in front of the girl you were trying to impress and up until that point everything had been going so well…Alas, even a luck potion can't improve everything in life. Also earwax. At any rate, this is the prize I'm offering to the student who creates the Draught of Living Death. Honestly, if Severus offered rewards in his class I imagine people would enjoy them more, since all people need is a little incentive sometimes. So yeah, turn to page three hundred and ninety-four—I mean ten.

Students: *immediately turn to page ten without waiting till they sit down*

Slughorn: Though you should know, only once did a student manage to not fuck it up on the first try.

Book readers: Is Slughorn referring to Lily or Severus? No, really, we wanna know.

Slughorn: Any questions?

Lavender: Are we in outer space?

Slughorn: …Sure, why not.

Lavender: Hooray! I'm an astronaut!

Slughorn: That's nice for you. Now get started already!

Students: *get started already*

iheartmwpp's mother person: Why didn't they try making Liquid Luck to help search for the Horcruxes or to kill Voldemort? They were out camping with nothing else to do, they had time!

iheartmwpp: Probably a lack of ingredients, and also they didn't have the Prince's book with them at the time so the instructions were probably wrong.

Harry: *opens book*

Book: This book is the property of the Title of the Film.

Movie watchers: Wow, I bet this'll introduce a new character who will have a vast amount of knowledge about coming events in the series!

Book readers: They better not downplay this shit…

Camera: *focuses on a really long shot of Harry looking at the book, looking around, and looking back at the book again. Um…*

Book: I HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN AND SCRIBBLED ON. But that's not all that important, just focus on the teenage hormones like you have been.

Sopophorus bean: I WILL NOT BE CUT, BITCH!

Ron: Oh, please?

Sopophorus bean: I don't wanna.

Ron: You're no fun.

Sopophorus bean: Wait don't angle the knife like that—AAAAAAAH!

Harry: *dodges*

Katie: Ow! Gah, first you smash my face in with a Quaffle and now this? Are you trying to beat me to death? I'm surprised they don't suspect you first once I get cursed!

Ron: I'm sorry! It won't happen again, I promise!

Katie: It better not!

Seamus: These things are really hard to cut, though. Are we sure these instructions are right?

Slughorn: Whose bean is this that I've just caught?

Hermione: Mine's slipping away, too…three times in a row when my hand is covering it and I'm not really moving otherwise…

Harry: I'm just now looking at the instructions written over the actual instructions.

HBP: Crush Sopophorus bean with blade, since cutting does NOTHING.

Harry: …Okay. *crushes Sopophorus bean with blade, since cutting does NOTHING and starts putting drops in the cauldron which presumably has nothing else in it yet*

Hermione: How did you do that?

Harry: You crush it because cutting does NOTHING, you may have noticed. Also I should've said that loud enough for everyone to hear, I don't know why other people haven't tried that.

Hermione's eyebrows: Well of course they wouldn't do what isn't written in the book, as the instructions specifically say to cut.

Harry: Hey, if what I'm doing actually works, why are you complaining about it?

Hermione: Look, Harry, I'm sorry, but you're not all that good at potions, and whoever wrote this book had leagues more experience than you probably ever will since this just isn't your field.

Ron: The guy who wrote it also probably had super strength or something, this is getting ridiculous.

Harry: Hermione, did hanging out with Luna last year teach you nothing about opening your mind a little? Didn't listening to Umbridge last year show you how sometimes it's not such a good idea to follow the "approved" method of doing things? Fuck, Lockhart should've proven to you from the start that you can't trust everything that's in a published book.

Hermione: *exasperatedly* What are you trying to say, Harry?

Harry: I'm saying to actually try new ways of doing things, it won't kill you, especially if it turns out to actually be better than what the official way is! *bursts into song* You gotta kick it up a notch/If you're ever gonna reach your goal/You can't sit around and watch/Your destiny's in your control—

Hermione: I'm sorry, are you trying to encourage me with a villain song?

Harry: *belts out* WHAT I SEE RIGHT THERE IS A PRISONER/WHO'S SITTING ON TOP OF THE KEEEEEEY…

Ron: *gigglesnort*

Crabbe: My stirring rod melted. For probably the twenty-seventh time. In a row.

Goyle: I thought we failed our OWL, why are we even in this class? It's implying by what McGonagall said that we would've had to get Exceeds Expectations, which is equivalent t guess, and I just can't really see that happening since I'm not even supposed to know how to read judging from Tom Felton's ad-lib.

Audience: Yay, Seamus exploded again!

Rifftrax: Ha ha! Third degree burns are funny.

Harry: I wonder if the issues I usually had in Potions was that Snape was not only always hovering, but his instructions were written on the blackboard in the front of class and people were always straining to see them through all the potion fumes and taller people in front of them. Whatever the reason, I seem to do better following basic, written instructions in this class than in previous classes.

Parvati: Yeah, we made it into this class noncanonically too.

Padma: Actually, I could well be one of the four Ravenclaws who made it in who wasn't Michael Corner, you never know.

Parvati: …This isn't supposed to do this, is it.

Padma: Probably not.

Failed, glutinous potion: I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL.

Parvati: Oh balls.

Book readers: OMFG, Hermione's hair's CANON! *and there was much rejoicing*

Harry: I AM STILL FOLLOWING THE INKED IN INSTRUCTIONS.

Liquid Luck: I look like I'm perfume or something.

CAULDRON!: *exists*

Slughorn: *drops leaf into potions*

Leaf: *explodes*

Slughorn: Merlin's flower bed! It doesn't suck!

Hermione: NO ONE CAN BE BETTER THAN ME! YOU GONNA DIE, POTTER!

Slughorn: Even though this is the Draught of Living Death, implying that it would just put us into a coma or something, I do believe you've managed to create an actual poison that would kill us all! I should fail you for that, but I don't wanna.

Hermione: It sure is a good thing that girls can enter the boys' dormitories, it will make killing my former friend far easier.

Harry: …So I've beaten you in one class, it's happened before when we've had a competent teacher in a class that's previously sucked!

Ron: …Wait, are you saying that if Binns gets replaced you'll suddenly become an expert in History of Magic?

Harry: If Binns gets replaced we'll all become experts in History of Magic.

Slughorn: So anyway, here's the thingy.

Class: We look so thrilled that Harry got it.

Ron: …Come to think of it, I don't look too surprised to find that I didn't get it. I didn't even want to take this class, after all.

Slughorn: The thingy is still the thingy.

Harry: *reaches out hand* That's great. I can haz?

Slughorn: Hang on, I'm not done with my congratulatory speech yet.

Harry: Well hurry it up, I got stuff to do!

Slughorn: Fine, whatever. Use it well, and don't involve me in any way or you get a Troll for the semester.

Harry: Make sure you're drunk before forcing shameful information from you, got it.

Slughorn: Now applaud him, everyone!

Gryffindors: Aww, we don't wanna applaud!

Slytherins: …So don't, we're not.

Gryffindors: DAMN US FOR BEING THE NICE HOUSE SECOND ONLY TO HUFFEPUFF!

Slughorn: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

Harry: You know what? I'm so used to taking credit for shit I didn't really do that I'm just gonna bask in it this one time. Also I beat Hermione Freaking Granger at something. I'm kind of happy about that.

BOOK!: *is barely hidden and will just make people more suspicious if you're going out of your way to hide it like that*

Marauders: WE ARE DISAPPOINT.

~Aaaaand a random cut to Dumbledore's office with no warning or transition. Hooray!~

Dumbledore: Huh, the gaping hole in this book looks way bigger than in Film Two. Odd, that.

Fawkes: The back of his chair sure is fascinating…Why was I moved back here?

Dumbledore: So the CG guys wouldn't have to waste their time animating you into every scene, now shut up.

Fawkes: Well that's not very fair! I was such a prominent figure in Book Two but now I'm just shoved aside as if I'm completely useless? I should be used way more often, think of all the things I could do to help in the fight against Voldemort—

Dumbledore: OH HEY, that's the door!

Fawkes: I didn't here any—

DOOR!: Knock knock knock knock.

Dumbledore: There it goes. *hastily hides ring and diary away instead of leaving out for Harry to try and make some connections* Ah, Harry, you got my message that was sent to you through the use of any random student who may or may not be trustworthy because who needs owls these days anyway. Come on in.

Harry: Okay.

Dumbledore: …

Harry: …

Dumbledore: …

Harry: …Sir—

Dumbledore: How are you?

Harry: …Fine?

Dumbledore: Really. I was worried you'd be torn up over the death of someone you regarded as a sort of parent. The actions that you did not take the last time you were in my office kind of hinted at a crapload of angst you would need to push through in order to move on with your life.

Harry: Oh don't worry about that, I got instantly better in the two weeks I was left at the Dursleys. I sulked for a bit, of course, but I had some realizations that happened entirely offpage so the readers wouldn't have to deal with me being a whiny emo bitch once more.

Dumbledore: …Huh. Judging from the vast amounts of fanfiction that focused almost solely on you being depressed and stuff, I assumed they wanted you to be a whiny emo bitch on occasion.

Harry: Then they can keep writing fanfiction.

Dumbledore: True enough.

Harry: Why are you back to never changing your robes, sir?

Dumbledore: *hastily* Enjoying your classes?

Harry: Since I'm only shown taking Potions and it's not taught by Snape—

Dumbledore: Professor Snape, Harry.

Harry: Whatever, then I'd have to say the one class I have is going quite well, yes.

Dumbledore: That's good. I know Professor Slughorn has become quite taken with you.

Harry: Er…

Dumbledore: He's most impressed with your skills with a cauldron.

Harry: …Um…

Dumbledore: He especially likes how you handle the ingredients.

Harry: PLEASE STOP.

Dumbledore: I'm just sayin', is all.

Harry: *shuddering* If we're talking about classwork, then I'd say he's vastly overestimating my abilities, sir.

Dumbledore: Why, you cheating?

Harry: Yep!

Dumbledore: Awesome. And how about your activities outside the classroom?

Harry: Well the Quidditch season hasn't really started yet, but I was hoping to have tryouts by next chapter if possible—

Dumbledore: I wasn't talking about those activities. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more!

Harry: …No.

Dumbledore: Well I noticed that you spend a great deal of time with Miss Granger, and boys and girls can never just be friends, after all!

Harry: …Why exactly are you inquiring about my love life?

Dumbledore: So it's true, then!

Harry: No, it's really not. I actually kind of want to vomit right now. Hermione's brilliant, but we're friends, and she is decidedly not my type anyway.

Dumbledore: Damn, now I owe Minerva twenty galleons.

Harry: Sorry?

Dumbledore: Don't worry about it. Moving on! You must be wondering why I summoned you here tonight.

Rifftrax: I'm not going to actually explain why, I'm only going to tell you just enough to put you in great danger.

Harry: …Didn't we already play out this scene?

Dumbledore: Shut up and look at the shiny.

Harry: …Were those things there last year?

Dumbledore: Iunno. Anyway, what you are looking at are memories. Unfortunately, they'll only be marginally helpful and won't really give you any kind of hint on what you'll be looking for on your epic camping trip from HELL next film, but with all the teenage drama there wasn't any time to put them in. They're about Voldemort, which definitely means that these sections will be cheerful romps full of sunshine and rainbows.

Harry: …And you're just leaving them out in the open like this where anyone can get into your office and you're gone an awful lot this year.

Memory vial things: WE ARE SPINNING. And now we're not.

Dumbledore: *picks up vial* This one contains the time I first met the guy.

Book readers: …Merope? We can haz?

Filmmakers: No.

Book readers: …But it's kind of important that the locket and the sign of the Deathly Hallows and the Peverells are established—

Filmmakers: Do shut up, we're trying to make a romantic comedy here.

Book readers: Sigh. Of course you are.

Dumbledore: I'd like you to see this memory, if you would.

Harry: Well I won't.

Dumbledore: Curses, foiled again.

Harry: I'm just yanking your beard, I'll do it.

Dumbledore: Awesome.

Harry: I'll just take it from your hands, take the cap off, and walk awkwardly over to the Pensieve where I'll wait for your go ahead to pour the memory in without saying a damn thing, shall I?

Dumbledore: *waving his hand in the air* Sorry, saw a fly. Hate those things.

Harry: …Did that dim the lights? It's already so dark in here I can't really tell.

Dumbledore: Not really, just wanted to swat a bug.

Harry: OKAY THEN…When did memories become black and evil, aren't they supposed to be white and misty and weird and shit?

Dumbledore: Shut up and stick your face in there.

Harry: M'kay. *shuts up and sticks his face in there* Mah face is wet.

Memory strand things: WE ARE NOW BUILDINGS AND SHIT.

Harry: …Thought I was supposed to fall screaming directly into the memory. And what's with the greenish or bluish or whatever tinge to the whole thing? Granted it's better than the brownish tinge that the rest of the movie has but I still don't get the whole monochrome thing.

Dumbledore: I haz an umbrella! Also what I'm wearing could actually pass for robes.

Book readers: THAT SUIT IS NOT NEARLY FLAMBOYANT ENOUGH. YOU. FAIL.

Smoky people: *are smoky*

Mrs. Cole: I still don't get how you managed to track Ton down, Mr. Dumbledore. He's been here eleven years and no one came to claim him and I guess no one wanted to adopt him despite him being very bright and well-behaved when adults are actually watching. JKR just wanted to prove that if you're raised in an abusive foster environment it's still better than being raised in an orphanage where you're at least fed properly, I suppose. Also I kind of think Tom's a bully, but it's been hard to catch him at it.

Dumbledore: No wai.

Mrs. Cole: WE HAVE NOW TELEPORTED DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO OUTSIDE TOM'S ROOM.

Dumbledore: No wai.

Mrs. Cole: *knocks on Tom's door* Yo, Tom, got a creepy old guy wants to talk to ya. *visibly shows fear at having to talk to them instead of being the strict, decidedly in-control character we got in the book*

Dumbledore: 'Sup.

Tom: I am standing and it is raining.

Dumbledore: No wai.

Tom: And now I am staring out the window with my back to you, Mrs. Cole is nowhere to be seen, and you're about to poke my cabinet. DON'T YOU DARE POKE MY CABINET.

Dumbledore: All right, all right, Christ.

BOOK!: *has pages sticking out of it…did he draw those? He's not half bad*

ROCKS!: *THERE ARE SEVEN OF THEM OMFG SYMBOLISM OF HOW MANY HORCRUXES THERE'LL EVENTUALLY BE THAT IS SO AWESOME THAT THEY SNUCK THAT IN THERE I DON'T WANNA VACUUM*

PICTURE!: Aaaand here's the creepy cave you'll be looking for later. HAVE FUN WITH THAT.

Tom: This constant jump cutting around is getting very annoying. Also I immediately assume you're some kind of evil doctor person.

Dumbledore: I don't even know what that is. I am a professor.

Tom: I don't want to be examined by a creepy old guy like you. That's what they want, to find out what's wrong with me. They think I'm…different.

Dumbledore: Different doesn't necessarily mean bad, just look at Luna Lovegood. All this pressure that society forces on us to fit in, it's really quite harmful. My advice would be to—

Tom: No, I do want to be different, I just want to be more powerful than them so I can get back at them for teasing me.

Dumbledore: Ah, classic victim of bullying.

Tom: No, for the most part I'm the bully, other people just irritate me.

Dumbledore: …Well they were right about you being different.

Tom: I'M NOT CRAZY, I'LL KILL ANYONE WHO SAYS I AM!

Dumbledore: Hogwarts is not a place for mad people.

Audience: That's highly debatable.

Tom: …Da fuck is Hogwarts?

Dumbledore: An school for magical freaks like us.

Tom: No wai.

Dumbledore: YAH WAI!

Tom: Boo-yah.

Dumbledore: You can do things, can't you, Tom?

Tom: You don't have to convince me magic is real, I'm totally on board with this and in fact a lot of things make sense.

Dumbledore: Things other children can't.

Tom: I guess if you call making things move without touching them, making animals, especially snakes, do what I want without training them, and making bad things happen to people who are mean to me magic, then I guess that I believe you about magic and we can stop talking about it like I don't get it yet.

Dumbledore: Wait, you hurt people?

Tom: …I'm sure plenty of Muggle-raised children get bullied by Muggle children and occasionally use accidental magic to get revenge, why are you accusing me of being evil when I'm sure you didn't accuse any of them?

Dumbledore: Well I'm sure none of the other children relished in causing their tormentors pain.

Tom: …You've never been bullied before, have you.

Dumbledore: No, but I am like you.

Tom: Pfft. No you're not.

Dumbledore: *nonverbally and wandlessly sets the cabinet on fire. THIS ISN'T FILM THREE HE USED HIS WAND IN THE BOOK STOP SUCKING*

Tom: WTF, man?

RATTLING!: *is heard*

Dumbledore: You should probably get whatever's in there out of there.

Tom: Could you turn off the fire first, like you did in the book?

Dumbledore: Nope!

Tom: Mrs. Cole will probably suspect something if she comes in to find everything I own to be a pile of ash…The door's wide open, why is no one noticing and do smoke alarms not exist yet, what the fuck.

Dumbledore: Look, are you gonna set your hands on fire or not?

Tom: … *gingerly opens cabinet to see a small box…and apparently nothing else, wow, these poor kids really do have nothing, I expected a different set of clothes at least* …You know what, they're not that important to me, I'll just let you melt them—

Dumbledore: Get your things, Tom.

Tom: …When I graduate from that hellhole you call a school, you are going down, even if I have to get some greasy-ass git to do it for me.

Dumbledore: Hurry up, I haven't got all day.

Tom: Fine. *reaches into the fire like the inbred retard that he is and takes out the metal box, earning many third-degree burns that will scar him until he starts shedding his soul piece by piece*

Dumbledore: Very good. *makes the fire go out*

Tom: *nearly collapsing from the pain* And you couldn't do that before?

Dumbledore: I'M A PYRO! *grins widely*

Tom: What have I just agreed to. *dumps box on bed so he won't have to touch the searing hot box anymore* I haz a yo-yo, and I haz a thimble, and I haz a harmonica.

Dumbledore: Mouth organ.

Tom: Whatever.

Dumbledore: You do not haz, actually. I psychically know that those aren't yours. Did I mention I can read minds? 'Cause I can read minds. But yeah, you have to learn that stealing is wrong sooner than later, and it most definitely won't be tolerated at Hogwarts.

Rifftrax: Though child endangerment is encouraged.

Tom: And you thought the best way to teach me that was to burn me alive?

Dumbledore: Be thankful this isn't a hundred or so years before this where you could be hanged for this.

Tom: I'll take it, it's less painful.

Dumbledore: So Hogwarts! You'll learn how to use and control the magic you've been born with, it's so much fun, you can make feathers fly, you can hex other students in the corridors, you can fly on brooms, it's totally awesome.

Tom: Can you magically heal injuries?

Dumbledore: Sure can! Bye now!

Tom: You are such a prick.

Dumbledore: Uh-huh. *starts to leave*

Tom: I don't know why I thought that speaking to snakes was even more awesomer than the stuff I was already doing but I am curious to know if that's even normal for us wizards.

Dumbledore: I'm not gonna answer and instead of comforting you with the knowledge that not all Parselmouths are necessarily evil I'm just going to stare at you as if you've sprouted an extra set of elbows.

Tom: And you wonder why a decent section of the fandom heavily dislikes you. *background poofs away in a cloud of blackish-bluish-greenish smoke and Tom's face morphs into an older Voldeface before becoming inky black shit again*

Harry: …Pretty sure I wasn't supposed to see this until after Katie gets injured, sir.

Dumbledore: No, you're supposed to see the first memory right about now.

Harry: *facepalm* So did you know, sir? Then?

Dumbledore: Did I know that I'd just met a person who would grow up to torture and murder people for fun, have hundreds of like-minded people who also enjoyed torturing and murder people for fun, and would get rid of his nose for some reason? No.

Harry: …I was asking if you knew that it was bad to set people on fire.

Dumbledore: Oh no, I knew that.

Harry: …OKAY THEN.

Dumbledore: But yeah, if I knew Tom was gonna turn evil, I probably would've tried to take him under my wing instead of regarding him suspiciously and keeping him at a distance. Should've done that anyway, really, but as he wasn't one of my obvious favorites and was immediately sorted into Slytherin upon his arrival at Hogwarts, I really couldn't have cared less what became of him at the time.

Harry: Fair enough.

Dumbledore: But yeah, he did cozy up to one certain teacher in particular. GUESS WHO THAT WAS!

Harry: Slughorn?

Dumbledore: DING DING DING! YOU WIN A NEW CAR!

Harry: Sweet.

Dumbledore: So yeah, he has information/a memory of his own about Voldemort, but he's being annoyingly tight-lipped about it.

Harry: You said Professor Slughorn would try to "collect" me.

Dumbledore: Yes, I did say that.

Harry: …Erm…were you implying something?

Dumbledore: Most likely. And if not, there's just no way we can't make these jokes, it's too easy to pass up.

Harry: Wow. Mature.

iheartmwpp: You're surprised?

Harry: Not really. So…do you want me to let him?

Dumbledore: Yeppers!

Harry: Okay, I know I said I wanted to lose my virginity this year, but—

Dumbledore: Oh shut up and put on that face that pretty much says you're gonna get raped and there's nothing you can do about it so you're sucking it up.

Harry: M'kay.

~That's really all I can interpret that expression as.~

Review or Dumbledore will set everything you own on fire, and possibly you in the process.


	5. Teh THE BROOMSTICK IS MY PENIS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Chronicles of Narnia, Silent Hill, The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, kind of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Pokémon, Beauty and the Beast, Dragonball Z, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Gabriel Iglesias, Film Brain, or Rifftrax.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Death Eaters: WOOOOOOOO! We are so gonna trash this joint—OW, force field, ow…

~Apparently Dan had no idea what the birds were for until he saw the movie in full.~

Birds: …We don't really get why we're here, either. Random bird cages were never shown before outside of the Transfiguration classroom…Though there was that one deleted scene that showed Snape in the DADA classroom and it also seemed to have a bunch of cages in it, maybe he just put this here to help Draco or something. Though putting us in a cage inside of a bigger cage is still kind of puzzling, how is he supposed to get to us without a lot of hassle? Hell, how is anyone supposed to feed us? We don't even see a food tray or anywhere to get water! HOW ARE WE EVEN SURVIVING THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE JESUS CHRIST THAT IS ONE HUGE SPIDER ON THAT SOCK THROW IT OUT THROW IT OUT NOW.

Mafoy: Sure hope no one's following me. Doesn't look like it's too much after curfew but still, it's a pretty long way from the dungeons to the seventh floor and, unlike some people, I don't have an Invisibility Cloak. Probably should've taken Potter's when I had the chance, I'm really regretting that now, I could've levitated him under a seat cushion or something else to hide him, that was really poor planning on my part. Why was Lovegood even there, anyway. And why is this random tapestry covering this wall now, that wasn't there last year. Oh shit, is the Room of Requirement okay, we kind of blew a hole in it last year as well. Hmm…I'm just gonna stand here for a while, it makes for a nice dramatic shot.

RECORD!: *is skipping. And it's hella annoying. What, did Draco need that constant sound to concentrate or something?*

Book readers: *instantly start searching everywhere for any sign of the diadem*

Malfoy: I haz an apple!

APPLE!: Please don't toss me up and down anymore, I'm getting dizzy.

Malfoy: I can't hear you, you're a fucking apple. HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS THAT NOISE. Oh who cares, I'm too fucking gorgeous. What the hell is that behind me—Oh hai Vanishing Cabinet.

Vanishing Cabinet: 'Sup. Hey, can you get this curtain thing off me á la The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?

Malfoy: Don't mind if I do! *does it and then spend several long shots just staring at it*

Overhead shot of Vanishing Cabinet: *…looks eerily like a shadowed shot of Pyramid Head. Excuse me for a moment, I seem to have soiled myself. And now I'm back. DAMN YOU DESIGN TEAM!*

Malfoy: …The fuck am I supposed to actually fix this shit…

~…What happened to all the banners and stuff all over the Quidditch pitch? It looks kind of…flat and boring and lifeless now…~

Random Gryffindor player/wannabe player: I AM FLYING.

Most wannabe players: *are beating each other up in a massive cartoon dust cloud*

Ron: *somehow managed to escape this and is looking like he's about to wet himself*

Harry: …Quidditch practice with a hangover, bad idea. Anyway, this morning we're gonna be holding…tryouts and stuff…why in Merlin's name did McGonagall make me captain, I'm only good at playing, I can't run shit and this just proves I'm kind of a pussy of a leader.

Ginny: I love it when he's an incompetent shy little git.

Ron: …He actually looks more nervous and unsure of himself than I do. Wow, whether I'm on the team or not we are not winning the Cup this year.

Wannabe players: *are ignoring everything*

Ginny: SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR ON MERLIN'S OUTDATED RECIPES YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE TO SEE THE FIRST MATCH OF THE SEASON.

Wannabe players: … *are suddenly matching Ron's expression*

Ginny and iheartmwpp: Works every time.

Harry: …Our Quidditch robes look kind of off this year, don't they.

Ginny: Yep.

Harry: And that first hoop is obscenely low in this movie, why isn't everyone aiming for that one?

Ginny: Because they're stupid.

Harry: Excellent. Now then, remember, just because you made the team last year does not guarantee you a spot this year, is that clear?

Wannabe players: …There wasn't any Quidditch last year, we have no idea what you're talking about.

Ginny: And why am I standing up here with you, shouldn't I actually be amongst them as someone who is trying out as my spot, as you've just said, is not guaranteed this year?

Harry: Good, that's settled, now let's see some people in the air!

Wannabe players and Ginny since her spot may or may not be guaranteed this year: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ANYTHING!

FLY!: *exists*

Ron: That's annoying.

Hermione: I'm in the stands looking about as unsure of myself as my other bestest friendly-friends! HI RON!

Ron: HI HERMIONE!

McLaggen: *dislocates Ron's shoulder* No hard feelings, Weasley, all right?

Ron: *falls over on the ground, writhing in pain, as Batman changes back into Bruce Wayne* OH GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT.

McLaggen: Yeah, I'm trying out for Keeper as well. It's nothing personal, it's just business.

Ron: *gets up and pops his shoulder back in* Really? Extremely built guy like you? Seriously, I bet you could grate cheese on those abs.

McLaggen: Yes, but the smell tends to linger something awful.

Ron: Exactly, shouldn't you be trying out for Beater or something? I hear they get more tail anyway, and Keepers need to be fast and nimble.

McLaggen: You're thinking of Seekers. The bigger you are, the more of the hoop you can block. I'm just lucky you're not obscenely tall in this version. Besides… *kills aforementioned fly between two fingers, something you probably need decades of Zen-like training to master* I don't think I'm too shabby, myself.

FLY!: *no longer exists*

McLaggen: Say, think you could introduce me to your decidedly female friend? Wouldn't mind, eh, taking her up on my broomstick, know what I mean?

Ron: I don't think she'd like that, she's not too keen on flying.

McLaggen: …The broomstick is my penis.

Ron: I don't follow you.

McLaggen: Whatever, I'm in the air now.

Ron: Well so am I—Whoa, I should've practiced with Harry more.

Random Gryffindor in the crowd: McLaggen's such a pompous twat it looks like we're all rooting for Weasley.

Lavender: I know my sheer presence will be enough of a good-luck charm for him to easily get the position!

Luna: I know that Ronald's my friend, but I'm not quite sure why I'm watching the Gryffindor tryouts when I should really be supporting my own house team. Oh well, at least my hair gives the movie a small splash of actual color.

Hermione: Wow, everyone's rooting for Ron, that's quite nice actually. Now to size up his competition…

McLaggen: This broomstick is actually life-sized, know what I mean?

Hermione: Oh God I need a shower.

McLaggen: …The broomstick is my penis.

Hermione: I don't follow you.

Random Gryffindor in the crowd #6451: Go on, Cormac!

Every other random Gryffindor in the crowd plus Luna: *violently murder him with a fedora*

Establishing shot of the Quidditch pitch: THIS IS ENTIRELY NECESSARY.

Ginny: I am a motherfucking badass. Watch these people fall off their brooms trying to get to me.

Wannabe players: …Can we get some assistance to the hospital wing?

Ginny: Walk it off. *shoots Quaffle at McLaggen who blocks it with his fist. And his foot. And his ass. And his broomstick*

McLaggen: The broomstick is my penis.

Quaffle: I don't follow you.

Random Gryffindor in the crowd #2138: Damn, that was pretty good. But no one likes him so we're gonna keep rooting for Ron, m'kay? M'kay.

Ron: …The fuck did we get a waterfall? Guess the pitch must've moved to a different location just like the Burrow. And Hagrid's hut. And the Whomping Willow. And the Gryffindor common room. And the—

One of the Beaters: INCOMING BLUDGER!

Ron: No, that's the Quaffle. *blocks it with his hand. And his foot. And his head. And his broomstick*

Quaffle: Oh eeeewwwww, ew ew, I need a shower now.

Ron: Not that broomstick, the one I just fell off blocking the last one with my chest! Shit, shit, shit, I'm slipping, this isn't gonna end well…

Lavender: OH GOD NO NOT THE MAN I LOVE.

Random Gryffindors in the crowd: DESPITE YOUR OBVIOUS FAILURES WE'RE STILL ROOTING FOR YOU, RON!

iheartmwpp: ...The fuck kind of fictional world is this.

Ron: That's nice, I seem to still be slipping lower.

Harry: Come on, Ron, don't make me pick McLaggen, please don't make me pick McLaggen, actually be the very best like no one ever was so I won't be seen picking favorites like every role model I've ever had in my life…

Random Gryffindors in the crowd plus Luna: …Hi. We're still here. Um…Do you need something? No? Then bugger off.

Ron: YAY I GOT BACK ON THE BROOM OFFSCREEN AND DIDN'T FALL TO MY DEATH yay.

Hermione: This does not bode well.

Ginny: Coming at ya!

Ron: Okay, I got this, I got this…

Ginny: Just kidding, I'm going the other way.

Harry: I'm confused.

Lavender, Luna, and Hermione: WE ARE STILL HERE. BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT. Also there's really no suspense here, we've got the happy triumphant DA/Patronus music from the last film, ofcourse things'll turn out the way we want them to.

McLaggen: O RLY? *smirks*

Hermione: …Fuck this, time for some spontaneous knowledge of wandless magic for no reason. It always seems to happen during something Quidditch related, doesn't it. Confundus.

Ginny: Chuck.

McLaggen: I AM SO CONFUSED THAT I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO THROW HAGRID AT ME, NO ONE CAN BLOCK THAT! *dodges*

Hermione: Yay for probably doing the magical equivalent of faking a drug test for a friend. Remember kids, if you don't think you can succeed, cheat like hell. Then again, this is only Quidditch, so it's not like it matters in the long run anyway.

Cormac: …What the fuck just happened.

Ginny: One more time, Ron! I ain't going easy on you!

Ron: *blocks it with his face*

Lavender: I just came.

Luna: … *scoots away from her*

~…So I guess Ron made the team, then?~

Ron: Me cracking two nuts open is symbolic of how I totally symbolically castrated McLaggen. And I am trying to be modest but failing miserably. But the important thing is that I beat Cormac.

Harry: *flipping through the Title of the Movie's book* How did I find out that you actually used the Confundus Charm anyway? Hell, if I was any kind of responsible captain I'd probably hold the tryouts again, banning you from the field and having one of the professors supervise to make sure it doesn't happen again. You're lucky that I really do like playing favorites.

Hermione: *scanning Daily Prophet and blinking back tears* More dementor attacks…Stan Shunpike's been arrested…Things are just getting worse and worse out there…I wonder how Hannah's doing, and if she'll come back at all this year…

Ron: I think Cormac fancies you, Hermione. That's the most important thing we have to deal with at the moment.

Hermione's eyebrows: *shudder* That's disgusting, I hate that we have to deal with him now as opposed to our last five years at Hogwarts…Where has he been this whole time, a git more arrogant and in your face than Percy, you'd think we would've run into him before now. Also why are you pointing this out when you fancy me?

Ron: Some kind of weird guy logic that assumes that since I made the team and Cormac didn't that you'll ignore the loser and date the actual new Gryffindor Keeper. I think. Iunno. *looks over at Lavender for some reason*

Lavender: OMFG HE LOOKED AT ME I'M GONNA DIE.

Neville: …I seem to be really pissed off for some reason, do I fancy Lavender at this moment and am jealous of Ron or am I just pissed that I'm not really in the film this time around?

Ron: Glad we made it inside before the snow started. Oh, and a girl actually fancies worthless old me. That's…kind of incredibly encouraging, I might actually do something about that…

Harry: You heard of this spell called Sectumsempra? All it says is "for enemies" next to it, I'm sure it's entirely harmless but I want your opinion.

Hermione: Keep your voice down, we don't want the entire common room trying it out!

Harry: …You're talking louder than I am and drawing even more attention to us—

Hedwig: I'm still in the movie!

Hermione: And if you had even the slightest bit of self-respect you'd hand that book in before it did you serious harm!

Harry: But I don't have any kind of self-respect, you should know that by now!

Ron: And besides, it really hasn't done any real harm yet, all the spells we've learned from it so far have actually been really useful and mostly harmless! Not to mention that the changed instructions in the book actually really do work. I'm starting to think that the book was intentionally written wrong in order to make us open up our minds or something and try new things in order to make it actually work. Also he's found another thing he's better than you at for once, why are you trying to take that away from him? You do not have to be the best at absolutely everything, you are depriving others a chance to do well and are in fact sort of actually discouraging them from doing better since the teachers will only praise you above them anyway, why do you think I never bother trying all that hard on homework?

Hermione: Because you're a lazy, procrastinating piece of shit?

Ron: Partially, but even if I do try my very hardest I will always be leagues behind you and I know it. At least Harry is actually being given a chance to shine now, you should just let him have his moment. You seem to forget that there's a war going on right now, and there are more important things to worry about than some stupid grades. Or has your entire outlook changed from last year?

Hermione's eyebrows: *angrily toss aside Prophet with the headline "More Disappearances At Ministry" in favor of trying to grab Harry's book* Tell me whose book it was, maybe then we'll be able to determine whether he was evil or not.

Harry: I don't wanna.

Hermione: …Why not?

Harry: Because the binding is fragile, which is why I've been constantly opening it and flipping through it and I know that you, whose regard for books is second only to Pince's, will not be gentle with it in any way.

Hermione: …No, really, why are you so hesitant about showing me that book, this really doesn't make any sense.

Ron: He's probably drunk again.

Harry: Imma avoid you by wandering around the common room and attracting the attention of, somehow, only Ginny and no one else.

Ginny: Yoink!

Harry: Oh bugger.

Ginny: …Well it could be that whoever wrote in it seems kind of full of himself and made up a really stupid title…not unlike other half-bloods we know, why am I not making diary comparisons this version, I should be way more worried about this.

Neville: Still kind of miffed about being excluded, here!

Hermione: So what does it say?

Ginny: Who is the Title of the Movie, anyway?

Hermione: …Huh?

Ginny: That's what it says. "This book is property of the Title of the Movie." Harry, please tell me this wasn't Tom's book.

Harry: Nah, it wasn't even published a full fifty years ago…which totally means that it could've been used at any point during my parents' generation and Remus is an idiot, but in any case, can you really see Voldemort shouting for everyone to hear that he's half-blood?

Ginny: Fair point, but still.

Harry: And no, I have no idea who it's supposed to be.

Ginny: Good, because I'm never gonna ask a follow-up question about it. *throws the book back to him*

Hermione: And I'm not gonna say anything more about it until the scene changes.

Harry: Sweet, I'm just gonna awkwardly walk away now.

Hermione and Ginny: You do that, we're just gonna send each other significant glances for no discernable reason.

Harry: Could it be that, just from one interaction, Hermione's realized that I fancy Ginny and she's trying to convey this to her without saying anything?

Hermione: If they were it should've been more obvious and not made so that iheart only finally suspected that when she was rewatching this one scene seven times in order to make any kind of sense of it.

iheartmwpp: And even then, this scene is awkward and annoying and poorly/blandly acted and I don't like it.

Harry: That's nice, Imma read the notes someone else made in the margins so I won't have to take my own notes. Something that nearly every other person with a second-hand book does so why is it suddenly so frowned upon here.

~OH GOD IT'S THE RETURN OF THE MONTAGES WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE—Hey, Snape really did have girly handwriting. Also YAY ACTUAL TRANSITIONS!~

Hermione: You've been carrying around that book for weeks, aren't you done yet?

Harry: Not everyone reads as fast as you, Hermione.

Hermione: And I can't believe you have absolutely no desire to find out who the Title of the Film is supposed to me.

Harry: I DO NOT SLEEP WITH BOOKS.

Ron: …No one was saying you were.

Hermione: I DO NOT SLEEP WITH BOOKS EITHER.

Ron: See, that's not surprising at all. But it is kind of getting annoying, I feel like you're replacing me with that book or something, or that you're replacing Hermione.

Neville: CAMEO!

Hermione: Well unlike you lot, I was curious—

Harry: I never said I wasn't, there's this one spell I found in the book that I saw Dad use once—I-I mean Sirius told me about Dad using once, thought I'd ask Remus about it if I see him again. Ever.

Hermione: Why don't you write to him?

Harry: I'm waiting for him to write to me.

Hermione: *exasperatedly* You are perfectly capable of using an owl—

Harry: Hey, he could be in the middle of a mission and Hedwig's kind of noticeable—

Hermione: So use a school owl then!

Harry: Still with the extremely dangerous mission he may or may not be on.

Hermione: You won't know unless you find out.

Harry: And if I jeopardize the mission and he's killed because I wanted to ask some stupid question about my father? Then I'll have no excuse, his death will be all my fault, you really want me to live with even more guilt?

Ron: Pfft, even if it was absolutely impossible to connect someone's death to you you'd blame yourself anyway.

Hermione: ANYWAY! I went to the library—

Harry and Ron: OHMIGAWD NO WAI WE NEVER SAW THAT COMING YOU MUST TELL US ABOUT THIS EPIC ADVENTURE.

Hermione: *eyeroll* Well I did find something about an Eileen Prince marrying a Muggle called Tobias Snape, but I'm sure that wouldn't explain anything important so let's just forget about it and pretend I never found anything.

Harry: Excellent. May it never be brought up again.

Hermione: What, you're not even gonna ask Remus anymore?

Harry: Nah, I feel any time I get with him would be much better spent shouting at each other about Malfoy.

Ron: Makes sense to me.

Slughorn: HI FILIUS!

Flitwick: Oh fuck. I mean HI HORACE!

Slughorn: Fancy getting a drink?

Flitwick: Uh, sorry, got to get the choir all ready for a scene later in the film.

Slughorn: …Won't it be cut from the final product, though?

Flitwick: Doesn't mean it'll be cut from the soundtrack.

Slughorn: …Well poop.

Ron: HA! No one likes him.

Hermione: Lol.

Harry: I WANNA FOLLOW HIM.

Ron and Hermione: …O…kay…

Flitwick: Hi bye.

Cold Trio of A Butterbeer Would Really Be Nice About Now: Hi bye.

~And then they Apparated down to the Three Broomsticks.~

Slughorn: I'm an old man telling stories about my youth that no one ever wants to hear! Hooray!

Poufwanians: …OMFG, he's wearing plaid! THIS IS THE BEST THING EVAR!

Ron: Oooh, a table.

Harry: No, not there, over here so I can get a decent view of Slughorn.

Hermione: I kinda like the wall above the fireplace, wonder who designed it.

Gaston: *bursts into song* I use antlers in all of my decorating—

Stuart Craig: THAT WASN'T MY INSPIRATION AT ALL, DISNEY, PLEASE DON'T SUE US.

Ron: Better than the shrunken heads, at any rate. *tries to sit next to Hermione*

Harry: No, sit beside me. Which iheart always thought was "No, step aside, mate."

iheartmwpp: Hot doors.

Hermione: …Huh, wrong Weasley. Now how to break this to Ginny…

Ron: …Look, mate, I love you and everything, but I kinda prefer girls—

Harry: I'm not trying to come on to you, just work with me here.

Ron: …Kay then.

Book readers: …What happened to Madam Rosmerta? She's kind of important if we want anything to be explained later…

Prongs times OVER NINE THOUSAND: I'm watching you.

Harry: That's creepy.

Three Broomsticks waiter…apparently those exist now…: Can I get you anything to drink?

Hermione: Uh, three butterbeers and…and I'd like a little ginger in mine, please. *staring at Ron's hair* Know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge?

Ron: You're acting kind of weird.

Harry: Actually make mine a firewhiskey. *stares at Malfoy*

Malfoy: I should be in detention at the moment. Now I have no alibi. HOORAY!

Rifftrax: Yeah, things haven't been the same between Harry and Draco since Draco's family's tried to kill Harry once a year since they met!

Leanne: What's taking Katie so long? This is boring…

Slughorn: I am still babbling.

Book readers: Seriously, where the fuck is Rosmerta.

Dean: I got Ginny in a booth by the firelight and am whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Ginny: Thank Merlin I talked you out of going to Madam Puddifoot's.

Ron: …Thank you, Harry, for making me switch seats so that I now have an eyeful of that bastard with my sister. I greatly appreciate it.

Harry: …Thank you, Ron, for pointing out to me that my newest love interest is right over there with someone who isn't me. I greatly appreciate it.

Hermione: Omigod, they're dating each other? That is so great, I love them so, they are such a cute couple—

Ron: No, no.

Harry: I hate him, I hate him so much. Oh my God, he pisses me off, wow.

Hermione: They're not that bad, you guys…

Dean and Ginny: *start eating each other's faces off*

Hermione: …Okay, that's kind of obscene, yeah.

Ron: Can we go or something?

Hermione: …What?

Ron: I don't want to see my sister's face get torn off of her head, if you don't mind.

Hermione: …That's…That's actually very mature of you, Ron. I half expected you to want to go over to their table, rip them apart, and beat Dean's face in.

Ron: Oh, don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

Waiter dude: A butterbeer, a butterbeer with some ginger in it, and a firewhiskey.

Harry: Thank you! *downs his drink in one*

Hermione: I'm still confused, though. I mean, I'm sure if Ginny looked over here and saw you and I snogging, she wouldn't care either way and would probably stay out of it, so why should you care who she dates?

Ron: …I am perplexed by your example, but it's the fact that guys are often very misogynistic when they think about women, and I don't want a guy looking at my sister and want nothing but sex from her. Also pop culture dictates that if he leaves her she's gonna start jumping off cliffs in the hope that she'll hallucinate about him as she's drowning to death, I don't want my baby sister heartbroken like that!

Hermione: …She dumped her last boyfriend, and did you forget how powerful her reducto is in this version? I think you should be more worried about Dean!

Harry: COME HITHER, BLISSFUL DISTRACTION.

Slughorn: M'kay. 'Sup?

Harry: Eh, not much, 'sup with you?

Slughorn: No one wants to listen to my stories for some reason, it's very distressing. Other than that, can't complain.

Harry: So what brings you here? I expected to meet you in Honeydukes!

Slughorn: Well I'm extremely old and wanted a warm drink by the fire, so I came here. Also apparently the Three Broomsticks has been working its way up from One Broomstick, wonder what the criteria is for moving on—

Hermione: OH GOD MY FACE!

Slughorn: Whoopsidoodle.

Harry: Uh-huh, that's nice, do go on.

Slughorn: We are only now starting up the Slug Club, you up for it?

Harry: I'd rather stick my dick in a blender—I mean of course I would, who wouldn't want to come to a dinner party where a bunch of stuck-up pricks all hang out together?

Audience: …Where did Harry learn those kinds of social skills? He was shoved into a cupboard for ten freakin' years!

Slughorn: And once your face is healed up I'm sure you'd be welcome to come along and hang out, Granger!

Hermione: JESUS CHRIST THIS HURTS SO MUCH!

Slughorn: Splendid! I still know how to use owls!

Harry: That's fantastic, sir!

Slughorn: And Wallenby, you're a worthless piece of shit that'll never amount to anything!

Ron: Don't I know it, sir!

Harry: *waves after Slughorn, grinning brightly*

Ron: Now what the fuck was that about?

Harry: Dumbledore wants me to…get to know him.

Ron: …Please tell me he doesn't mean—

Harry: I hope not. I just pray it's worth it in the end, Dumbledore wouldn't've asked me to do this otherwise.

Ron: I dunno, have you seen his track record recently?

Harry: Fair point.

Ron: …Hey, Hermione, I just noticed we're both wearing stripes again!

Hermione: CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING ICE, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!

~In the actual movie, I'd be wondering why Hermione looked so randomly upset…if that weren't Emma's normal expression.~

Katie: I haz a thingy!

Leanne: And I don't think you should have a thingy that a strange blond man gives you in the girl's toilet.

Katie: Oh come on, live a little!

Hermione: How is it that Harry had the really alcoholic beverage and yet I'm suddenly drunk off my ass?

Ron: …Harry?

Harry: Ron?

Ron: Hermione…

Harry: Harry!

Ron: Shut up, d'you think she fancies me?

Harry: Well she was only talking about snogging you…in front of your sister…Interesting, that.

Ron: Yeah, it probably doesn't mean anything…OR DOES IT.

Hermione: HEY! 'Mere. *motions them over while stumbling*

Harry and Ron: Oh dear.

Hermione: I wuv you guys, you know?

Harry: Wow, even I didn't get that drunk yet.

Ron: Relax, we've still got well over half the film left!

Harry: Oh joy.

Leanne: I AM SCREAMING.

Hermione: I am suddenly sober.

Katie: I'm unconscious!

Leanne: I told her! When is she gonna accept that I'm always right and she's always wrong?

Hermione: I feel ya, hon.

Katie: WHEEEEEE!

Weirded Out Trio of Oh Hai Leanne: …That's weird.

Katie: And now I'm being crucified in midair.

Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!11111!11!two!

Harry and Hermione: That's nice for her. FOCUS ON US, CAMERA!

Camera: Nah, I'd rather watch pointless characters fall from several feet.

Harry and Hermione: We just noticed that Katie was recast.

Katie: *commences writhing*

Freaked Out Trio of Ron And Leanne Are Still There, BTW: Let's just stand here and watch!

Hagrid: DO NOT MOVE ANY CLOSER, WHATEVER YEH DO!

Alarmed Trio of I'm Running Out Of Clever Ways To Describe These Guys plus Leanne: Let's continue to stand here and watch!

Hagrid: Move aside so I can get ter her! *bends down and picks up Katie*

Harry: Hey, a thing!

Hagrid: Don' actually touch that, jus' pick it up by the wrappin'. D'you understand?

Harry: Don't touch the wrappings, got it.

Hagrid: *facepalm*

EVIL NECKLACE OF EVIL: *is evil*

~Well that was fun, let's do it again!~

Review or you will be killed by a necklace of DOOOOOM!...or at least made to hover for a bit and fall down.


	6. Teh DUMBLEDORE'S A PIMP

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Dragonball Z Abridged, Code MENT, Little Shop of Horrors, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Super Smash Brothers Brawl (I think), The Lord of the Rings, The Room, Kickassia,or Rifftrax.

~I'm not sure if focusing on one thing and cutting to a new location but still focusing on the same thing counts as a transition or not…~

EVIL NECKLACE OF EVIL: *is still evil*

McGonagall: Okay, so we're sure that Katie…why am I not referring to her as Miss Bell, this is weird…but she's not evil so she didn't have this before, right?

Leanne: I am so obviously concerned for my friend right now. See, look at how I'm sobbing over what happened to her. I obviously need to visit Madam Pomfrey to get something for shock or I'll never get over this.

McGonagall: Stop being so apathetic and answer the damn question.

Leanne: It's like I already told you offscreen, she went to take a piss and it took her forever because I guess she crapped out the package or something while she was in there. Also she wanted to take it to Dumbledore. Thinks he's a transvestite or something.

McGonagall: It would explain the dress, yes. Thank you, Leanne…Well I have to call you that, don't I, you don't have a last name. Now GTFO.

Leanne: *GTFOs*

Hey Look We've Been Here The Whole Time Trio of We Actually Didn't Do Anything This Time: …What?

McGonagall: Why is it that when something happens, it is always you three?

Ron: Stop practically breaking the fourth wall.

McGonagall: We have a fourth wall?

Snape: Haaaaaaaaaai.

McGonagall: About damn time!

Snape: HOW DID I GET TO THE NECKLACE SO QUICKLY.

McGonagall: Because it is eeeeeviiiiil. I assume.

Snape: Yep. *pokes floating Evil Necklace of Evil with his wand—NO NOT THAT WAND*

Evil Necklace of Evil: …Why am I squeaking?

Harry: Katie was cursed, right?

Snape: No fucking shit.

Harry: Why would anyone want to, though? I know Katie, off the Quidditch pitch she wouldn't hurt a fly.

Movie watchers: …Wait, what? Who the hell is this girl and how does Harry know her? Did we even see her play Quidditch?

Book readers: Oh come on, she's only been in the series since the very beginning! You just don't recognize her because she's been recast for some reason!

Movie watchers: Well how do they expect us to remember all these characters if they keep changing actors on us every five seconds?

Book readers: They might just expect for you to READ THE FUCKING BOOKS ALREADY!1!eleventy-one!

Harry: Also Katie wasn't attempting to murder Dumbledore.

McGonagall: Yeah, despite there being no way for anyone to tell if someone's been Imperiused or not I instantly agree with you.

Snape: Of course if she was a Slytherin you would have immediately been suspicious, but since she's not there's no way she could've done it, since all Gryffindors are perfect beings who can do no wrong. Just like Black, who tried to murder someone when he was sixteen, and Pettigrew, who did murder and cause the murders of multiple people. Yep. Gryffindors are the epitome of all that is good and just in this world.

McGonagall: Glad to see you understand, Severus.

Snape: I should really accelerate my plan to poison everyone in the fucking school.

Harry: I blame Malfoy for everything.

McGonagall: Of course you do.

Snape: …Go on.

Hermione: Oh come on, they're not gonna believe us and you know it.

Harry: McGonagall didn't believe me about the Philosopher's Stone either, now did she? But we were right about it being stolen, so she should've learned something from that encounter!

McGonagall: That's dumb and you're dumb for thinking it.

Snape: Do you have any evidence to back up your claim, since I'm actually being a competent authority figure who is willing to hear you out unlike some people I could mention?

Harry: …I know I should be giving you what flimsy evidence I do have, but I don't feel like it.

Snape: It's snowing behind me.

Harry: …I can see that.

Snape: You astonish me once again with your ability to read ahead in the book/script, a gift we mere mortals can only dream of possessing. I will now tease you with the knowledge I have of the prophecy that I totally listened in on, told the Dark Lord about, and ensured the death of your parents with.

Harry: I LOVE YOU.

McGonagall: Piss off, the lot of you.

Ron and Hermione: M'kay.

Harry: Well I'm going to walk on the other side of the desks.

Ron and Hermione: WAAAAAH HARRY DOESN'T LIKE US ANYMORE WAAAAAH.

Harry: Quit your bitchin'.

Ron and Hermione: 'Kayz.

~But enough of that attempted murder within the school grounds. You know what we really need? AWKWARD GUY TALK!~

Harry: Huh, the Map's only showing surnames now, that's gonna get confusing with siblings…HOLY FUCK HOW DO I KNOW THIS ISN'T SHOWING LUCIUS MALFOY OH FUCK HE'S HEADING UP TO THE SEVENTH FLOOR CORRIDOR RIGHT NOW WHAT IF HE KNOWS THE PASSWORD HE'LL COME UP AND SLAUGHTER US ALL THIS IS TERRIBLE DAMN MY FINGERS HURT STUPID GUITAR PRACTICE.

Ron: Hopefully Dean isn't up here with us right now while I insult him. Actually I'm insulting Ginny more than him, come to think of it, since I have no idea what Dean sees in her. I imagine most people would wonder whatshe sees in him.

Harry: I was wondering that, yeah.

Ron: Dean's brilliant, if I wasn't straight I'd probably want a go.

Harry: Ah, was that the reason you didn't want Ginny snogging him, then? *waggles eyebrows*

Ron: You really are turning into Hermione. But no, I just said I'm not gay, and the fact is that he was snogging my sister so I have to hate him on principle…even though from the sound of this conversation I'm actually perfectly fine with her dating him so I'm just a mass of contradictions right now.

Harry: …Damn it, this means he'd hate me if I tried to be with Ginny, and he's my bestest friendly-friend and I don't want to fight with him again. At least not over a girl, at any rate…

Ron: You say something?

Harry: No, nothing…

Ron: So you never really answered my question of why anyone would see Ginny as someone to be attracted do.

Harry: Hang on, let me think…She's smart, she's picked up the Weasley family trait of being absolutely hilarious when she wants to be, her hair's silky and smells a bit flowery, she's an exceptionally powerful young woman who we all know can hold her own in a fight since we saw the proof of that last year, she's a fantastic Quidditch player who could easily play professionally, she knows how to stand up for what's right, she's someone you can talk about anything with and gives great advice…except for her occasionally being reduced to a damsel in distress and Bonnie Wright still looking like she's about ten and portraying her rather blandly, I don't really think she has any flaws. Also she's kind of pretty.

Ron: …The fuck you on about?

Harry: …She's got nice skin.

Ron: I do not want to hear that coming from you…Hang on, you're saying Dean's dating my sister because of her skin? Merlin's goosebumps, I was blowing it out of proportion when I was complaining that he had his hands all over her, but now you've just suggested it's actually happening?

Harry: I didn't mean that, it's just…well, maybe he would want to, yes, few people have a relationship just for the sake of spending time with someone they fancy. Most times they are expecting a bit more to happen and are looking for someone they'd want to, quite frankly, do naughty things with. And, well, having nice skin could be a contributing factor when looking for the right person.

Ron: …Hermione's got nice skin.

Harry: Aaaaand now we're talking about my as-good-as-a-sister. This is why we never talk about this kind of thing, because we don't want to hear about the other guy doing that kind of crap with our sisters. So we should probably just stop talking now—

Ron: It's just like…I can't get her out of my head. And every time I look at her, I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it's her fault, that bitch.

Harry:…BED TIME!

Ron: OKAY! GOOD NIGHT!

Harry: Night! *puts Map down and glasses on top of that…the Map is still open in a dorm where anyone could look at it, see that it's bloody brilliant, and steal it*

Malfoy: I'm not on the Map anymore!

Harry: …Of course I'd stop looking at the Map the exact moment anything interesting happens.

~And now to really take your mind off the student being attacked and nearly killed with a deadly magical object with some ICE CREAM! YAAAY INNOCENCE AND HAPPINESS!~

AllSolsDay: I want sprinkles!

iheartmwpp: No.

AllSolsDay: Aww!

Slughorn: So tell me, Kiss-Ass McGee, do you see anything of your Uncle Tiberius these days?

McLaggen: More than I would like, sir. *shudders* I'm meant to go on a hunting trip with him…in the middle of the woods…just the two of us… *sobs into his ice cream* The Minister's going to be there too…MY LIFE IS A SPIRAL OF HELLISH NIGHTMARES!

Slughorn: Excellent, excellent, be sure to tell them I said "Yo." And what about your uncle, Belby?

Marcus: Mine isn't a pervert. *noms ice cream*

Slughorn: For those who didn't read the books, Marcus's uncle invented the Wolfsbane Potion.

iheartmwpp: I now worship the ground Marcus's uncle walks on.

Neville: I am wearing a napkin bib. It is the beginning sign of the awesomeness yet to come.

Slughorn: Is he working on anything new, by any chance, Belby?

Marcus: Iunno.

Blaise: *seems strangely fascinating by another boy eating chocolate ice cream*

Marcus: And now to really get into the Potion Master's good graces by telling him that my dad hates the subject. That's sure to earn me bonus points! But yeah, the only potion my dad likes is a stiff one at the end of the day.

Blaise: *taps chin thoughtfully* A stiff one at the end of the day, hmm…

Slughorn: And what about you, Miss Granger? What kind of extremely exotic job does your family do in the Muggle world?

Hermione: My parents are dentists.

Harry: It really is a wonder I don't want to kill all Muggles. None of them around me are any kind of decent example whatsoever.

Slytherin twins: …Da fuck?

Slughorn: …Yeah, none of us knows what those things are.

Harry: Lucky bastards…

Hermione: They have a talent for causing things pain and people pay them to be inhumane.

Slughorn: Huh. Creepy. And is that considered an honorable and revered profession for a race so barbaric as where you hail from?

McLaggen: This is my interested face.

Hermione: Well, considering that absolutely everyone in the universe wants them to die my family has to move to a new town every few months or so to avoid all the angry mobs. It's the real reason I had no friends as a child. A kid called Robbie Fenwick who may or may not be related to Benjy Fenwick bit off my father's hand once. They had to replace it with a robot prosthetic.

Harry: *laughs his ass off*

Slug Club: …OKAY THEN.

Neville: My ice cream is problematic.

Ginny: I'm still in the movie! And to prove it, I'm awkwardly overdressed!

Slughorn: I'm just going to sit here and gawk at the fifteen-year-old girl.

Ginny: I AM GOING TO WALK VERY SLOWLY TO MY SEAT NOW.

Hermione: Look at her eyes. No, a bit north. There you go. Despite the fact that Ginny is well known for not crying at the drop of a hat, this clearly means that she and Dean have been fighting a lot and instead of hexing him like she canonically would she just went off to cry somewhere because who needs strong female characters anyway.

Ginny: Sorry, I'm not usually late. As you should know from having me in Potions all year so far.

Harry: I will stand up awkwardly and stare at you for no adequately explained reason! THIS MEANS WE HAVE CHEMISTRY!

Hermione: …Are you trying to be gentlemanly or something? Because you just look retarded.

Neville: I'm not with them.

Slughorn: Oh dear, relationship troubles? You're lucky that you came to the place where all the chocolate is! Though you better hurry, because Belby, who is suspiciously related to the guy who makes the potion that helps with lycanthropy, is eating all the chocolate.

Harry: Wanna see if I can fit these chocolate chopsticks up my nose?

Hermione: Would you lay off the booze for one damn night?

Harry: It's a party!

McLaggen: *sucks on finger while staring blatantly at Hermione*

Hermione: Damn it, I thought we cut the cannibalism subplot!

Harry: …I don't think cannibalism is what he has in mind.

Hermione: Whatever do you mean?

McLaggen: The finger is my penis.

Hermione: I don't follow you.

iheartmwpp: That scene made my mother uncomfortable.

Filmmakers: Rated PG, everyone!

~And then they all ran away screaming.~

Slughorn: Huh. That was shorter than I expected. *closes door*

Harry: That's what she said.

Slughorn: Oh. You're still here, are you?

Harry: Sorry, sir, I was just…erm…admiring your hourglass.

Rifftrax: It's annoyingly magical.

AllSolsDay: Harry gets ordered to spend awkward amounts of alone time with a strange adult.

iheartmwpp: …Dumbledore's a pimp.

AllSolsDay: *dies laughing*

Slughorn: Oh yes. Thank you for admiring my strangely phallic object. The sand runs in accordance with the quality of the conversation. *edges closer to Harry* If it is…stimulating, the sand runs slowly. Which makes no sense, you'd think the better the conversation is the faster the sand would run, but that's just silly, you silly. If it is not it explodes.

Harry: Oh jeez, look at my wrist.

Slughorn: Nonsense! *puts his arm around him* I'm sure that any…conversation with you would be quite stimulating! I'd certainly prefer you over some of your classmates! Now let us look at the gallery of my past victims again!

Harry: Even though this was in the beginning of the film and featured my mother and godfather's brother, I've forgotten entirely about it!

Slughorn: Anyone who hopes to be anyone aspires to end up here. Like I told you in the beginning of the movie.

Harry: If only we spent this time developing the plot a bit more—

Slughorn: What? That's stupid. You're stupid. And you're already famous anyway so you don't even have to try to catch my eye.

Harry: …Did Voldemort ever…catch your eye, sir?

Slughorn: Well he did look good in a thong—I mean I have no idea what you're talking about.

Harry: But you were his teacher, weren't you?

Slughorn: Hey, I can't be the only teacher who thought he looked good in a thong.

Harry: Apart from that, what was he like?

Slughorn: He had a birthmark on his left ass-cheek—I mean I have no idea what you're talking about.

Harry: I'm sorry, sir. Forgive me. I'm really drunk right now.

Slughorn: I'd take advantage of that fact were it not for your sudden interest in the man who murdered your parents. I have no idea why you would even be interested in the first place. But I'm afraid I must disappoint you, Harry.

Harry: What? An adult has failed me? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Slughorn: So yeah, young Mr. Riddle had always aspired to be a first-rate wizard, fighting against those who would set other people's possessions on fire. He was always on about that, for some reason. He was kind of like you, really, young, dark haired…I imagine you look quite good in a thong yourself, young Harry.

Harry: I AM SEVERELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

Slughorn: Yeah, so, I didn't really expect him to turn out to be evil until he turned out to be evil. I'm kind of dumb like that.

Harry: …I should probably ask a follow-up question or three, but instead I'll just stand here and do nothing for an unspecified amount of time.

Hourglass: *explodes*

~Why do they have to wear stockings while they're riding around on phallic objects chasing flying balls?~

Ron's feet: *exist*

Ron: *also exist*

Neville: Hey Ron! Try not to suck, okay?

Ron: I will beat you with a herring.

Two random white males wearing Gryffindor Quidditch uniforms: *tossing Quaffle back and forth* In no way do we resemble Ginny Weasley, Demelza Robins, or Dean Thomas.

Seamus: Yo, Ron! I got two hundred Galleons on Gryffindor, so if you fuck this up, I'm castrating you with a rusty knife while you sleep, yeah?

Random girl: *wolf-whistles*

Crabbe: I really wish we'd used Weasley is our King in this movie, really would've added some flavor to it.

Ron: *sits down* …Holy shit the camera's close to my face. Back the hell up, assholes!

Shot of Ron's breakfast: *is clearly the most important shot of the movie*

Ron: My eyelashes are, like, white in this shot.

Dean: Merlin's worn out scratching post, they remembered that I replaced Katie in this game! These guys are good at the little details this time around!

Ron: So to take my mind off this crap, how was the dinner party?

Hermione: Boring as hell, though there was a lot of ice cream and you probably would've had a perfect excuse to pound Dean's face in.

Ron: DAMN IT.

Female Gryffindor Quidditch player with her hair in a braid: Oh, so I'm Demelza Robins! So those two from before must have been Jimmy Peakes and Ritchie Coote!

Dean: Then why were they chucking a Quaffle back and forth?

Demelza: Because I somehow doubt the teachers would approve of a Bludger in the great hall.

Dean: Oh what do you know.

Hermione: In fact, I think Harry especially liked it when dessert came around. *evil smirk*

Harry: Does the Chosen One have to choke a bitch?

Hermione's eyebrows: Slughorn's having a Christmas do, you know.

Ron: …A Christmas what?

Hermione: I think it might be British for party or something, I have no idea. Anyway, we're supposed to have a date.

Ron: Damn it, I should not have told you that McLaggen fancies you, now I'm absolutely screwed—

Hermione: No, I was going to ask you, actually.

Ron: Bull.

Hermione: No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet.

Harry: …AWKWARD!

Lavender: And now to actually come up and show faith in you, something neither of your best friends have done, I've noticed. *leaves*

Ron: That's it, I quit after this game. Hire McLaggen, he may fuck up the game worse than I ever could but at least he has a modicum of actual talent.

Harry: Yeah, sure, whatever. Here, have a cup of juice.

Ron: Thanks, but I've already got one—

Harry: I SAID DRINK IT.

Ron: All right, all right, sheesh!

Luna: Haaaaaai.

Somebody's Going Down Trio of It Ain't Gonna Be Us: HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM.

Ron: Did you just Apparate or something? 'Cause we would've noticed that hat.

Hermione: How many times do I have to tell you—

Lion hat: Oh God, we know, shut up.

Luna: You look like shit, Ron. Is that why Harry drugged your drink?

Ron, Hermione, and Ginny: …Wait, what?

Luna: I can't help but wonder if Harry asked me to help out in this, since apparently no one would've noticed, unlike canon in which Hermione notices everything. I see the days of Steve Kloves getting his favorite character completely wrong have returned. I'm sure no one is surprised.

Harry: Mah bottle is shiny.

Hermione: I AM REMINDING PEOPLE THAT THAT TINY BOTTLE IS FILLED WITH LIQUID LUCK. I AM SURE NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE WOULD BE ABLE TO REMEMBER SUCH A MINISCULE DETAIL. IT'S NOT LIKE A WHOLE SCENE WAS BASED AROUND IT LESS THAN TEN MINUTES AGO.

Ron: Hmm, to drink or not to drink…

Hermione: Don't do it, Ron!

Ron: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! *drinks it*

Harry: Boo-yah.

Hermione: I am so pissed right now.

Ginny: I am vaguely interested.

Ron: Damn I needed that confidence boost.

Hermione: You could be expelled for that, Harry!

Harry: Pfft, if Sirius didn't even get expelled for attempting to murder a fellow student then I don't know why we ever bothered worrying about anything ever.

Ron: LET'S DO THIS SHIT!

Harry: FUCK YEAH!

Hermione: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Ginny: I'M BORED AS HELL!

~Hey, we finally got some nice fog—HOLY SHIT QUAFFLE.~

Blaise: Wait, was I even on the team in canon or did they just grab a random recognizable Slythering? Ah, who cares. WHEEEEE!

Five members of the Slytherin Team—no wait, six members…none of which have clubs: WHY ARE WE ALL GROUPED TOGETHER LIKE THIS, WE SHOULD BE SPREAD OUT MORE AND THREE OF US SHOULD ACTUALLY BE DOING OUR JOBS—hey look, the stadium has banners and crap all over it again so it doesn't look like complete shit, that's nice, glad to get some color back in this bitch even if everything outside the pitch is white and dead.

Gryffindor players: Time to launch a counterattack.

Random Slytherin Chaser: HA! As if you'd get the Quaffle! *chucks it up*

Ginny: Nice try—OW MY ARM!

Other random Slytherin Chaser: And now to go for the goal. FALCON…PAWNCH!

Ron: FALCON KICK!

Crowd: *am going wild*

Ron: YEAH! AMERICA!

Ritchie: We're not in America.

Ron: Shut up.

Jimmy: We're in Japan.

Luna: I'm hanging out with the Gryffindors so much it's almost hard to remember that I'm a Ravenclaw.

Padma: Yep, me wearing Gryffindor paraphernalia this time around is totally cool since it just means I want Slytherin to lose.

Neville: I wonder where all the Hufflepuffs are sitting.

Hermione: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

McLaggen: …Shit, he doesn't suck.

Lavender: I KNOW IT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAYZAH!

Ron: HOW DID I BLOCK THE LOWEST GOAL POST. And why doesn't everyone aim there every time, honestly. Ah who cares as I block EVERYTHING EVER.

Hermione: …Fine, I guess I'm impressed. It is nice to see him actually enjoying himself for once.

Ron: GO DO STUFF!

Ginny: Right!

Harry: …Am I the one who's just hovering by the goal posts and not flying around looking for the Snitch? Damn I'm dumb.

Ginny: I don't know how the Quaffle made it all the way down the line, but I haz it nowz.

Random Slytherin Beater: Hey, I remembered what my job was—FUCK I FORGOT THERE ARE TWO BLUDGERS ow.

Crowd: Well that was FUCKING AWESOME.

Ginny: Get off my ass.

Slytherin Chaser: No.

Ginny: *shrugs* Your funeral. *chucks Quaffle*

Slytherin Chaser and Keeper: *slam into each other and fall to what is most likely their deaths* WE NEVER SAW MINNESOTA!

Gryffindors: YAAAAY TWO FELLOW STUDENTS PROBABLY DIED! YAY NOT HAVING A REFEREE OR TEACHER SUPERVISION! WOOOT!

Slytherins: *bash Ginny, Demelza, and…wait, that was a white girl with dark hair. WTF, Katie should still be in St. Mungo's, what the fuck's going on? Oh right, Slytherin's in possession of the Quaffle and one of them chucks it*

Ron: YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!

Crowd: This would be a great time to start singing the rewrite of Weasley Is Our King, but we don't feel like it.

Ron: I am loving the fact that you all love me!

Hermione: How does he know we're cheering for him? We could be cheering for his sister for all he knows.

Ron: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Finally, something I'm good at and can get recognition for! Sure, most of my siblings also played before, but never as Keeper! I might actually get some small measure of self-esteem by doing all of this!

~And apparently Harry caught the Snitch offscreen. Why do we never see a full Quidditch game ever again.~

Gryffindors: Still chanting Weasley. Throats starting to get a bit sore, now.

Ron: Suck it up and continue to bow to me and lick my boots.

Gryffindors: Yes, My Lord.

Rifftrax: Mad with power, Ron declares himself the new Chosen One, and is…instantly killed by Voldemort.

Gryffindors: Where did we get all the confetti?

Ron: …I do look kind of evil in this shot. Weird.

Lavender: I EXIST! NOTICE ME!

Hermione's eyebrows: I should report you, but he's happy, so I won't.

Harry: I should report you for using a Confundus Charm.

Hermione: …How did you know about that?

Harry: Iunno.

Hermione: But that's different! Affecting the outcome of tryouts and therefore the team line-up of people who play in the actual game is totally different than just affecting the actual game!

Harry: Keep telling yourself that. Also look at the pretty bottle that I didn't open.

Hermione: …It's unopened.

Harry: Very observant. *pats her on the head*

Hermione: …You didn't put it in.

Harry: *eyeroll* Yes, that was rather the point, yes. Also I'm really lucky that Dean, Neville, and Seamus aren't listening in or noticing the very shiny bottle.

Hermione: So…wait, Ron only thought you put it in even though you didn't?

Harry: Good Lord, girl, they told me you were intelligent!

Lavender: I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF ANY LONGER! *grabs Ron and starts eating his face off*

Gryffindors: YAAAAAY—wait, where did we get that keg of butterbeer?

Hermione: …

Ginny: *shoots her a sympathetic glance*

Harry: Finally, he's found a girl who likes him enough to want to kiss him! Good, maybe now he'll stop teasing me about Cho, that shit was really getting annoying…

Hermione: *turns to leave*

Ginny: I could be a good friend and follow her, but I don't think I will.

Harry: Hermione, did you see tha…Where'd you go? *follows her out*

Random couples: WE ARE SUDDENLY EVERYWHERE.

Harry: Somehow barely audible sniffling several meters away is more audible than several couples talking to each other right next to me. Yeah, that makes sense.

Hermione: I AM ALONE UNDER A STAIRCASE.

Harry: Yeah, I've been there.

Hermione: Just me and my several adorable birdie friends.

Harry: …I have not been there. Also my shadow is EVIL.

Hermione: Oh hai Harry.

Harry: What's with the birds?

Hermione: Apparently I vent my feelings by practicing Charms spells.

Harry: You should try blowing shit up, it's more fun.

Hermione: I suppose I could blow up the birdies.

Harry: That's the spirit. Pretend each of them has Ron's face. You'll feel a lot better after seeing their blood and guts swirling around. And if you do that, then no one is hurt because those are just charmed birds anyway so it's not like they're real and PETA can't say anything. Also you're not actually blowing up Ron. I don't think Mrs. Weasley would go easy on you if you did, even if he did just break your heart. *sits down next to her*

Hermione: How does it feel, Harry?

Harry: …Erm…kind of hard, cold, definitely uncomfortable—

Hermione: Not your ass, I mean when you see Dean with Ginny.

Harry: …Oh. Shit, thought I hid that better.

Hermione: Nope!

Harry: Well fuck.

Hermione: I know.

Harry: Oh, you do know how it feels. THEN WHY ASK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD.

Hermione: No, I meant I knew you were in love with her. I see the way you look at her. You're my bestest friendly-friend, I know these things. Also I'm female, which somehow automatically means that I'm perceptive like that.

Harry: Then why can't you see Ron's feelings for you, then?

Hermione: Wha—He was just snogging Lavender!

Harry: Well in the books it was because he found out you snogged Krum two years ago, and he wanted you to feel as hurt as he was because teenagers are dumb. Here, he might still be feeling resentment and still want to make you as jealous as he was, and also you're not exactly open about your feelings so he probably felt he had no chance with you and just decided to try out a relationship with a girl who did openly fancy him.

Hermione: That's dumb and you're dumb for thinking it.

Lavender: TIMING!

Hermione: Oh fuck.

Ron: 'Ello, 'ello!

Harry: Okay, happy as I am for you for actually finding someone, this is not a good time, mate.

Lavender: I knew you two were dating! OMG I can't wait to tell Parvati, this is, like, totally going to the biggest piece of gossip ever! *runs off*

Ron: *muttering* Of course she'd be with him, even if I win a Quidditch match I'll never be good enough for her. Why did I even try, she doesn't even like Quidditch. Ahem, what's with the birds?

Hermione: *stands up* Oppugno.

Birds: *dive-bomb Ron's face*

Audience: Ah, so it's fine if the female attacks the male, but we known that if the genders were reversed the attacker would be seen as a monster. Good, now we know that women can attack men whenever they like with no consequences. HOORAY FOR DOUBLE STANDARDS!

Ron: …Suddenly I'm immensely worried about what our married relationship'll be like.

Hermione: GTFO.

Ron: All right, all right, I'm going! *goes*

Hermione: *breaks down*

Harry: TAKE COMFORT IN MY MASCULINE ARMS!

Hermione: M'kay.

Harry: Also it feels like this.

Hermione: …What does?

Harry: Whenever I see Ginny with Dean I want to break down and cry and send birds flying into Ginny's face too.

Hermione: Not into Dean's face?

Harry: Of course not, he's not the one who's breaking my heart.

Hermione: Touché.

SNOW!: *is falling*

Ron: Fuck Hermione, I don't need her anyway.

Lavender: Good, now take me up to the tower and make out with me.

Ron: Sweet.

Camera: Jesus Christ I'm sick of all the teenage romance bullshit—OHMIGOD MALFOY. YAAAY ACTUAL PLOT.

Malfoy: HA! You thought you were gonna see me attempting to fix the cabinet again, weren't you? Well too bad, you'll have to be content with getting a brilliantly gorgeous view of Hogwarts as the sun rises, followed by a return to annoying teenage drama crap via an actual transition of the camera going past one of the walls of Hogwarts to an interior shot of Weasley talking to Potter. Aren't you all thrilled.

Audiences: *is asleep*

Malfoy: …Hello? Huh, thought the wacky teenage antics was what they wanted. Whoopsidoodle.

~God I'm so fucking bored right now.~

Review or Dumbledore will make you spend prolonged amounts of time with an extremely creepy adult.


	7. Teh ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT CURTAINS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected Cartoons, Princess Bride, Doctor Who, The Vicar of Dibley, Gantz Abridged, Me and My Dick, The Cronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, that time Bennet and Spoony reviewed Space Thunder Kidsand Garzey's Wing, The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Final Fantasy X, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Starship, Holy Musical B(at sign)man, Farscape,or Rifftrax.

~Huh, wreaths all over the lanterns and things. Looks really weird since that lighting makes it look like it's still summer or something. Also those wreaths look dead.~

Ron: Look, I can't help it if she's got her knickers in…in a…twist… *drools*

Harry: Stop thinking about Hermione's knickers and tell me about your relationship with Lavender.

Ron: Right. We are definitely in a relationship, me and Lav.

Harry: …Merlin's complete collection of Encyclopedia Britannica, you are calling her Lav-Lav, aren't you.

Ron: And there's just this chemical attraction between us, y'know?

Harry: I'm just in shock that pureblood wizards know what the word chemical even is.

Ron: …Only problem is Lavender seems to be in it for keeps while I kind of just see it as a kind of "just for fun" thing, especially since I'm actually looking at it realistically since I don't really know or care if it'll last forever,we're only in high school after all.

Harry: …What, you're saying that the person you're dating when you graduate might not be the person you end up marrying?

Ron: That's what generally happens, yes. People grow up, people move on, people change, and in this day and age more and more people want to play the field a little in order to find the person that's right for them.

Harry: LIES! LIES AND BLASPHEMY!

Ron: Oh grow up.

~AND NOW WE'RE IN THE LIBRARY—hey look, it's snowing!~

Hermione: What? No, I'm not into Ron, I'm not insanely jealous of Lavender for kissing him, whatever gave you that idea?

Harry: …I didn't say anything.

Hermione: Well I don't care about any of that, so stop harping on it.

Harry: I wasn't!

Other students: Oi, would you keep it down, this is a fucking library! Christ, where's Madam Pince when you need her.

Hermione: I don't think she was actually ever cast.

Other students: Yeah, well some of us have exams and care about our studies, we don't want to listen to your stupid girlish worrying about boys.

Hermione: You can do both! Hell, if my character design in these films should teach girls anything, it's that not only can you succeed at being the top of the class while saving the world on the side, but you can alsosomehow find time to fix your hair so it's stylish and perfect with maybe a few blonde highlights every single day, have enough products to ensure that you never have any acne ever, have form-fitting clothes that keep up with fashions that won't exist until more than ten years from now even though you're supposed to wear a uniform of robes most of the time, keep your weight down enough that people might start to wonder if you have an eating disorder, and still have enough time to worry about the relationship troubles of you and your friends!

Harry: …Have you been taking magical steroids again?

Hermione: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Harry: …

Hermione: Was I under the impression that Ron and I would be attending Slughorn's Christmas party together?

Harry: Well judging from your behavior I'd have t—

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: YOU ASK A QUESTION AND I KNOW THE ANSWER! WHY ASK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD?

Hermione: …Didn't we use that line already?

Harry: Hey yeah, I think it was just last chapt—

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.

Other students: Still trying to study. Also this thing with Ron seems like the kind of thing that canon Hermione would keep to herself and maybe Harry and that's it.

Hermione: I don't know what you're on about. *puts books near bookshelves and they magically float up to their place—wait wait wait, this is a magic school? Pfft, next you'll be telling me they have classes other than Chemistry* Anyway, I've had to ask someone else instead. Which sucks. Though it is cool that I'm showing that the guy doesn't always have to ask the girl.

Harry: Wait, you're with someone else now?

Hermione: Yeah, why?

Harry: Well it'll feed the shippers, but since none of us could go with a Weasley, we could go together. We'd know we're going as friends even if everyone else won't.

Hermione: …Why didn't I think of that?

Harry: When it comes to things like this, you're not that smart. Just…don't do anything that would make any kind of relationship with beyond friendship seem obvious, okay? I recently found out that the staff has a betting pool going.

Hermione: Why would anyone think we were in a relationship, anyway? It's not like the main character always gets the girl in most other works of fiction, nor did we spend long stretches of time alone in the forest holding hands at points, nor was Ron ever cut out from any scene or his really important lines showing how loyal he was to you given to me instead, nor will we end up standing rather close to each other at the end of this film while Ron sits like twenty feet behind us and has no lines, nor will the dance scene confuse some people into thinking that the filmmakers were deliberately trying to set us up even more once Ron was gone, nor will me hugging you before you go off to die while Ron does nothing but stare at you be taken by some as me really wanting you instead.

Harry: I know, these people are so dumb, I don't know why they would ever think we had any kind of romantic chemistry beyond me having some actual chemistry with you as opposed to nothing but bland boringness between me and Ginny in the films. So who are you going with, anyway?

Rifftrax: Voldemort.

Hermione: Um, it's a surprise.

Harry: …Okay, this is me telling you to learn to act.

iheartmwpp: *notices something out of the top of her eye, looks up, and flips the fuck out* JESUS…Chriiiist. *runs to kitchen, grabs a very large piece of paper towel, and murders the tiny spider that almost landed on her laptop/fucking head*

Hermione: …Well that was weird and pointless. Anyway, it's you we've got to worry about now, Harry.

Harry: …Are you kidding? I can pretty much take anyone…Actually, no I don't, for this dance we're allowed to bring guests, it's not strictly required. Fuck it, I'm going stag.

Prongs: WOOO! Way to follow in your father's footsteps! *sniffs* I so pwowd!

Padfoot: …I do not think it means what you think it means.

Hermione: Hell no, if I have to suffer than so do you.

Harry: Balls.

Hermione: We have to be careful, though, you're kind of a high profile guy.

Harry: Damn it, should've used the excuse that nothing done at Hogwarts is kept secret for long and as soon as I get any kind of girlfriend Voldemort would target them—

Hermione: Nice try, I'm still making you do this. See that girl over there?

Harry: What, the one I'm making eye contact with right now, and who can probably hear everything we say considering we're talking rather loudly still and our voices probably carry in what is otherwise a very quietlibrary?

Hermione: Yeah. That's Romilda Vane.

Harry: …Uh huh…

Hermione: I heard from Parvati who got it from Lavender who heard from Trelawney that Sprout was telling Flitwick who told Griphook that Bill heard Charlie say that Tonks told Scrimgeour who told the British prime minister who heard from the queen that the Doctor overheard Donna talking to Martha that the Sontarans were battling with the Daleks when the Cybermen told Barty Crouch Sr. who talked to the Vicar of Dibley who turned into the Fat Lady and overheard Romilda say that she wanted to slip you a love potion.

Harry: OMIGOD I LOVE DATE RAPE DRUGS! Especially when forcibly used on me to make me do something against my will!

Hermione: …That is not the reaction I was expecting.

Harry: Look, Ginny's involved with Dean. Who knows how long it will last and hey, what if it keeps going and never stops? What am I supposed to do then, stay celibate for the rest of my life?

Hermione: Well, they do say that the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds.

Harry: One, two, three, four, five, six, sex! One, two, three, four, five, six, sex! One, two, three, four—

Hermione: Yes, thank you, we get it.

Harry: But that's not even what I had in mind, she's only fourteen anyway. No, I need to think about moving on from Ginny, so why not with a girl who actually shows some interest in me?

Hermione: Oh please, she's only interested because she thinks you're the Chosen One!

Harry: …But I am the Chosen One.

Hermione: BWA-BWA-BWAAAA?

Harry: What, you didn't know?

Hermione: You didn't tell us the prophecy in this version, no.

Harry: Oh. Well now you know.

Hermione: Cool. But seriously though, I expected more of you. You never want to associate with someone who sees nothing but your scar and you generally want to have people know you for who you are rather than what your parents were murdered for. Please stop behaving so out of character, it's kind of upsetting and nauseating that you would immediately jump there for a pretty girl.

Harry: Good point, I'll stop. Just do me one favor.

Hermione: 'Sup?

Harry: Please don't hit me with that paper, it was featured in every trailer ever and it was featured heavily during the eight month wait for the film. People are tired of it and it's no longer funny since all of the context was spliced in anyway.

Hermione: Fair enough. But that doesn't solve your dating issue, though.

Harry: Don't worry about it. I'll just ask someone I like—

Hermione: Ginny's dating Dean.

Harry: As a friend, you twit-faced watermelon! Someone whose badassery knows no bounds.

~And the crowd went wild.~

Audience: Oh, well done! Awww, that dress is adorable…wait, is Harry actually wearing what could be considered dress robes? HOLY FUCK WIZARDS AREN'T WEARING MUGGLE CLOTHES THE WORLD IS ENDING I WANT A SANDWICH.

Harry: You ready to go?

Luna: *bursts into song* We're finally ready/And the time is right/For us to light a spark/We're keeping it steady/Kept our eyes on the prize/To get us through the dark—

Harry: Note to self: Never use that phrase again.

Luna: Aside from the fact that this looks exactly like the corridor that leads to the Room of Requirement, I'm convinced that I've never been to this part of the castle before. Though really, how can you prove that you've actually been anywhere? How can you prove that you actually exist? What if none of us are real and we're all just characters in a book written by some woman that was so massively popular that people just think we're real, but we're really not? Huh, I should explore that idea more, it'll make an interesting article in next month's Quibbler once the spread on Pigfarts finishes up.

Harry: …That's nice, can we go to the party now?

Luna: I don't have to answer to you, you're not even real!

Harry: I'm beginning to think you have issues.

Malfoy: I'M SULKING IN THE CORNER! As my number of fangirls increases by an additional five percent…Hey, remember that time the camera panned over me after that shot of Weasley and Brown snogging in the tower? Well this is what I was presumably doing at the time, which wasn't important enough to fit in there since we had to cut to those scenes of the Weasel and the Mudblood telling Potty about their feelings because that was infinitely more important than my plot to murder one of the most powerful characters in the series. Oh look, it was still snowing at that point…even though there was some kind of sunlight shining through the windows that the clouds that were making the snow fall would've covered…And then I closed my eyes and was suddenly teleported to the Vanishing Cabinet, where I repeated my impression of Lucy Pevensie as I pulled the curtain off. Why did I stick the curtain back on and how did it get dusty so quickly. Why didn't I use magic to take the curtain down since I had to have used magic to put it back up.

Audience: …Who the fuck is he talking to?

Malfoy: But anyway, I put an apple into the cabinet and closed the door. It probably wasn't the same apple that I was throwing around before, since this one looked fresh and this had to have been over a week later.

Book readers: *are ignoring him as they once more look for any sign of the diadem in the background*

Draco: So apparently the incantation for the Vanishing Cabinet to work is harmonia nectere passus. Which…fine, sure, whatever. You'd think that you just put yourself or whatever into the door, close it, and you're transported somewhere else, I doubt those stupid Weasley doubles knew what the incantation was when they attempted to murder Montague last year. Maybe it's a way to fix it, Iunno. But then I opened the door and the apple was gone. Which meant it worked at least the one way, that was cool.

Audience: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO. WHY ARE YOU EXPOSITION TO A BLANK WALL IN A CORRIDOR WHERE ANYONE CAN WALK BY ON THEIR WAY TO A FUCKING PARTY AND HEAR YOUR SUPER SPECIAL EVIL PLOT OF EVIL.

Malfoy: So I closed it again and said the spell twice this time for some reason, I guess it didn't work the first time. I opened it and it looked like Borgin took a bite out of it from the other end. Which probably meant that it worked, I don't know why I was so disheartened.

Book readers: Damn it, still didn't see anything.

Movie watchers: …What're you on about?

Book readers: Hey, let us know if you see a tiara amidst all the crap.

Movie watchers: …Okay…?

~Well that was a nice, subtle little scene—HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU TWO COME FROM.~

Slughorn: Say "cauldron cakes"!

Harry: Er…

Camera: *flashes*

Audience: I love how this film seamlessly flows from one scene to the next. I miss the Whomping Willow.

Slughorn: Okay, got what I wanted, now piss off.

Harry: …

Neville: Booze?

Harry: No, it's Harry—Neville! You're still in the movie?

Neville: Yeah, and I actually have lines in this scene, can you believe it?

Harry: Nice duds. But what's with the whole waiter get-up?

Neville: Eh, Sluggy kicked me out of his stupid club, further proving that he really can't judge a person's character.

Harry: Damn straight, you should be leading this bitch.

Neville: I know. Still, least I'm not as bad off as Belby. He's become the personal ass wiper in Slughorn's bathroom.

Harry: Pfft, like anyone could ever top Lars.

Neville: Iunno, Belby's been taking night classes, he's getting pretty good.

Harry: …Dude. It's Lars.

Neville: I know, I'm just sayin'.

Harry: Well I've already had some firewhiskey, weak-ass champagne just isn't gonna do it for me.

Neville: All right, then, see you…two films from now when I'll actually be given crap to do.

Harry: Laterz. Huh, even though Neville's freaking badass it's also canonical that he's nearly as clumsy as Tonks. And they gave him a tray of champagne to carry. Slughorn's dumb as a rock, isn't he. Also why are the waiters dressed like Muggles and why do all the girls' dresses look like normal fucking dresses.

Hermione: I AM INCONSPICUOUS BEHIND THESE ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT CURTAINS!

Harry: Huh. That's weird. Better not draw any attention to her. HEY HERMIONE! IT'S ME, HARRY POTTER! YOU KNOW, THE BOY WHO LIVED AS WELL AS POSSIBLY THE CHOSEN ONE? *comes behind the ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT curtains with her*

Hermione: Fuck my life.

Harry: Seriously though, what the hell are you doing? And…Oh God. You have a single strand of hair out of place. This obviously means that you have been horribly mistreated and possibly beaten.

Hermione: Well Cormac didn't beat me, but he did try to feel me up so I ran away, damaging my perfectly immaculate hair in the process. MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Harry: …I'm not gonna say you deserve it because no one does, but you definitely should've expected it considering he's only been spouting euphemisms every time he's been on screen.

Hermione: Wait, those were euphemisms? Merlin's baby alligator, he said that was his wand in his pocket!

Harry: Nope, I think he was just happy to see you.

Hermione: *shuddering* This was not worth trying to piss off Ron who in this version probably never heard about it anyway.

Slughorn: I'm taking pictures with someone!

Hermione: Aaaaand now I'm insinuating that Cormac has tentacles. My actual meaning was probably just that it was really hard to get away from him. Either way, this just got really dark really fast.

Filmmakers: Rated PG, everyone!

Random waiter dude: Dragon testicles?

Harry: Well, I—

Hermione: *looks constipated* GTFO.

Harry: WOULD YOU STOP ANSWERING FOR ME.

Random waiter dude: Good choice. They'll give you the runs for days.

Hermione: GIVE ME THOSE. *grabs tray and shoves half of them down her throat in one go*

Random waiter dude: …Well my purpose has been served and I am clearly needed no more. *goes off to commit seppuku*

Harry: …You seriously want the runs.

Hermione: If I'm stuck in the bathroom for hours at a time that means I'll be able to avoid him.

Harry: Unless he's into some nasty shit. As it were, ba-dum tish. Normally I wouldn't judge but…

Hermione: OH FUCK HOW DID HE SEE ME IT'S NOT LIKE THIS CURTAIN IS ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT OR ANYTHING IMMA RUN AWAY NOW SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH.

McLaggen: Apparently I need my eyes checked as I'm entering on Potter's side of the curtain instead of trying to head Granger off. Good thing I'm not the jealous type, though since practically everyone is still convinced you two would make a good couple.

Harry: Why. Also she left because, um, homework. Yeah.

McLaggen: A pity. She seems to like playing hard to get, the little tease. Pretty good with her mouth too, isn't she?

Harry: She is good with speeches and answering questions and helping me save the world/country, yeah.

McLaggen: *eats dragon testicles* And she's a decent snogger and I bet she gives good head.

Harry: …I will shove your broomstick straight into your eye socket.

McLaggen: Good luck detaching it. The fuck am I eating, by the way.

Harry: I love how you don't even know what something is and yet you just shove it into your mouth. I wonder if this happens a lot. Also dragon testicles.

Filmmakers: Rated PG, everyone!

Snape: I'm still in the movie!

Book readers: Huh, did not expect the Title of the Movie to actually be in the movie.

Snape: I know, it's weird.

McLaggen: *vomits all over Snape's feet*

Harry: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! *tries to find a break in the curtains so he can flee*

Snape: …You've just bought yourself a month's detention, McLagge—NOT…

Harry: *nearly got away but stops in his tracks*

Snape: …so quick, Potter. *closes the curtains on a still vomiting McLaggen*

Harry: Sir, I really think I should rejoin the party. My booze—I mean my date—

Snape: Has done quite well without you so far and I'm sure will continue to do so.

McLaggen: *leaves the curtains but insists on keeping the tray for some reason*

Snape: Besides, the headmaster has turned me into one of the children that he's been sending around conveying messages to you all year instead of getting off his lazy ass and using a fucking owl like the films used to.

Harry: Tell me about it. So what's the message?

Snape: A measly "enjoy your holiday."

Harry: …Srsly?

Snape: Srsly.

Harry: …And he needed you for this.

Snape: Evidently.

Harry: Why couldn't he have just told me this himself? Hell, I'm surprised he's not here right now!

Snape: He's travelling at the moment. Which means he could still have used a fucking owl to tell you this instead.

Harry: Travelling where?

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: … *walks away*

Harry: Oh that's why Dumbledore sent him! So we could get the funniest part of the whole movie! Okay, everything makes sense now. Except the part where Snape never cleaned his shoes which are still probably covered in vomit. Lawl.

Slytherin twins: HOLY FUCK OUR DRESSES LOOK VAGUELY MAGICAL AND WHIMSICAL.

Harry: OMFG the door just opened. I am blown away.

Malfoy: Hey, remember how we never covered what a Squib was in the films! Well Filch totally is one!

Movie watchers: One what?

Malfoy: A Squib!

Movie watchers: What's a Squib?

Book readers: FUCK MY LIFE.

Ginny: Did Dean ditch me or what?

Slughorn: I'm sure most other teachers would chide you for your language, Mr. Malfoy. You're lucky I'm quite prejudiced!

Filch: …Meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow meow meow, prrrrrrrr, prrrrrrr, mrow meow.

Malfoy: Oh come on, it can't be that late yet, otherwise this lot would be out of bed after hours as well? Why you be hatin', yo?

Snape: Come on, we're out of here.

Luna: Oh look, I'm still in this scene. That's nice.

Malfoy: You're no fun anymore. *waggles his eyebrows seductively at Snape*

Filch: … *backs away slowly*

Slughorn: Well that was fun, wasn't it. Now come on, let's raise the roof! *mimes raising the roof*

Party goers: …You are waaaay too white to be doing that.

Dean: Oh look, I am still at the party!

Ginny: Huh, did we break up or what?

Dean: Don't think so, you'd think they'd make it obvious so that Harry knows when it's okay to make a move or something.

Ginny: That's just silly, you silly.

~But enough of that brightly lit party, let's now go to a depressing corridor! Is this jarring for anyone in any way?~

Malfoy: Maybe I did cast an Unforgiveable on that Bell girl and told her to handle a package that could kill her in the vain hope that it would make it into the castle where Dumbledore would open it and he would die instead. Or maybe I used an Unforgiveable on Rosmerta to make her use an Unforgiveable on that Bell girl and tell her to handle a package that could kill her in the vain hope that it would make it into the castle where Dumbledore would open it and he would die instead. What do you care?

Snape: *grabs him and shoves him against the wall, arms on either side of him preventing his escape*

Audience: …This film seems to ship Snape/Draco.

Fanfic writers's nipples: *explode with delight*

Snape: I swore to protect you! I made the Unbreakable Vow!

Rifftrax: I agreed to iTunes terms and conditions!

Malfoy: Where once I respected you, I now apparently don't care if you die, because I don't need protection! I pee-pee like a big boy!

Snape: So you've overcome your fear of the potty?

Malfoy: O-Of course I have!

Snape: *raises eyebrow*

Malfoy: Honest! Using the potty's not so bad! I don't know why I was afraid of it all those years. I-I think I was concerned about falling in, but I have found that if I climb on top of the potty, right, and I put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim, and get a firm footing, then I'm actually quite safe!

Snape: …Good for you.

Malfoy: And you know, using the potty's a great time to socialize!

Snape: …No. No it's really not.

Malfoy: Oh, but it is! You simply…You look over to the stall next to you, and you can have a right chat with your neighbor! "Oh! Hello there, good sir! First time using the potty too, eh? Good luck, my man!"

Snape: Okay, we really need to have a talk about proper—

Malfoy: And then, you simply squat, like so—

Snape: Please don't mime it.

Malfoy: And I do my business…in my diaper as usual…

Snape: *facepalm* I might've known.

Malfoy: And then I undo the side latches, and let the diaper simply fall into the potty! Yes, Father will hear of this!

Snape: Indeed, and may it be a lesson to him and other pureblood parents and guardians to potty-train their damn kids. But you still need help with the Evil Plan of Evil.

Malfoy: I am the Chosen One!

Snape: No you're not.

Malfoy: Ah, but I was chosen for this! And I'm a total badass at the top of my class—

Snape: I see a scared little boy.

Malfoy: Pfft. What gave you that idea?

Snape: The growing wet patch on your leg.

Malfoy: …Well at least my feet aren't covered in vomit.

Snape: Shut up and let me help you-

Malfoy: NO! I will learn to use the potty on my own! I don't need or want your help with that!

Harry: Should I be listening to this?

Snape: …I meant with the Evil Plot of Evil.

Malfoy: Oh. No, I got that too.

Snape: Riiiiiiight.

Harry: I don't believe you!

~And now an abrupt cut to the Hogwarts Express with no warning or transition. Aren't these things so much fun?~

Ron: You sure Snape said Unbreakable Vow?

Harry: Positive. I'm also positive that we should be saying this kind of crap at the Burrow, but at least we're getting the lines almost exactly right so I think even the most insane book readers'll let this one slide.

Ron: Did you know that you can't break an Unbreakable Vow?

Harry: OMIGOD I HAD NO IDEA.

Ron: You don't understand.

Harry: …Don't you mean I don't understand?

Ron: That's what I said.

Harry: No, I mean that you say *finger quotes* "I don't understand."

Ron: I think I did say *finger quotes* "I don't understand" and the subtitles fucked up.

Harry: Ah, okay.

Ron: …Frell me dead.

Harry: Not now, I've got a headache—Oh dear.

Lavender: *maniacal grin* I've been standing here this whole time. *breathes on glass door thing and starts drawing a heart*

Ron: Oh not this again.

Harry: …Somehow I think even psycho exes think she's psychotic. Either that or she's giving said psychos something to aspire to…which is creepy in and of itself.

Lavender: I CAN WRITE BACKWARDS.

Ron: Huh, she's dumping me to stalk Lupin, apparently.

Harry: No, there's a plus in the middle, she's doing first names.

Ron: Oh joy.

Lavender: OKAY I'M DONE.

Ron: Well don't you feel special.

Harry: God I'm bored.

Lavender: *breathes on message again to make it show up and stuff* I MISS YOU. WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT COMING IN TO JOIN YOU. *leaves*

Harry: Thank. Merlin.

Ron: So I don't really think I'm into this whole relationship thing. I always heard it was supposed to be an equal partnership, but all she wants to do is snog me and never considers that maybe I want to just chat or something. She's not even that good, but I don't know how to tell her that I want her to stop without her getting all offended and psychotic on me.

Harry: I laugh at your pain.

Ron: No, really, this isn't funny at all, I really wouldn't be surprised if she had tried to rape me. Several times by now. There's nothing I can really do about it either, she's completely insane, I have no idea what'll set her off. And I can't even fight back because the minute I do, even if it was in self-defense, no one'll see it that way, I'll immediately be seen as the monster in this situation. I have no idea what to do, and the worst part is I can't go to anyone for help because no one will take me seriously. I'm literally trapped.

Harry: Lovely.

Hermione's eyebrows: HAI GAIS. Oh. Lavender was here, I take it.

Harry: Yep.

Hermione's eyebrows: …Fine, then, I'm leaving. And I'm not gonna even wipe the door clean or whatever as a jab at her, I'm just gonna walk away. LIKE A BOSS.

Harry: Well that went well. Look, I'm still holding the plot point that contains the title of the film!

Ron: Are you dating it now or what?

Harry: WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

Ron: Uh huh, sure.

Harry: So what happens to you?

Ron: Well Lavender drags me off somewhere and nearly rips my arm out of its socket, she snogs me for minutes at a time, I try to occasionally surface for some oxygen and she lets me gulp down some air for about three seconds before not allowing me to breathe anymore again—

Harry: No, I meant back to the Unbreakable Vow thing.

Ron: Oh. You implode.

Harry: Ah. Lovely. Surprised it wasn't utilized more.

Ron: I think Wormtail's hand had some sort of modification installed when He-Who's-A-Sneaky-Bastard gave it to him without Wormtail's knowledge.

Harry: I guess.

~THE CONDENSATION IS MAKING THE BREATH FOG MELT AND STUFF OH NOES.~

Review or you will never be able to get past your debilitating fear of the potty.


	8. Teh BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Room, Sweeney Todd, Star Wars, The Shoebox Project, Sgt. Frog, a random quote from one of Linkara's reviews (no I don't remember which one), Pokémon, Space Balls, TFS Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, or Rifftrax.

~We now cut to some kind of snowman thingy skating on a cake. Its life is short; it will soon be nommed.~

Rifftrax: Magic. It's either evil or stupid.

Molly: Wait, the pudding's still here. WHY IS THE PUDDING STILL HERE.

Her kids: …Uh…'cause?

Molly: Oh. Okay then.

Ron: I AM STANDING.

Twins: Cool. *pulls on cracker* Puppy, puppy, puppy… *cracker breaks* YAY Slinky.

Remus: Wait, so you're saying the kid that everyone thought would grow up to be evil has grown up to be evil?

Marauder fangirls: REMUS!

Remus: 'Sup.

Marauder fangirls: Squeeface. Wait, is that the back of Tonks's head right there? Are Remus and Tonks already together?

Slash fans: Bullshit, he should be with Sirius!

Everyone else: …He's uh, he's kind of dead, remember?

Those still desperately clinging to some semblance of hope: HE'S NOT REALLY GONE, HE'S JUST HIDING! HE'LL BE BACK, YOU'LL SEE!

Sirius: Oh move the fuck on already.

Remus and Harry: OKAY!

Sirius: …Wouldn't've minded if you'd mourned me a bit more, but—

Remus and Harry: Can't hear you, too busy with relationships.

Sirius: …Right…

Harry: So back to Malfoy. I know it sounds perfectly reasonable to think that Voldemort would want a spy around my age who could figure out all my secrets within the school and you're all dumb for disbelieving me.

Hedwig: I'm still in the movie!

Remus: That's nice for you. But yeah, I'm under the opinion that you're ass-retarded and that Snape offered to help Draco so he could find out what he was up to.

Harry: So you agree with me that Malfoy's up to something under Voldemort's orders even if you think Snape's trying to hinder instead of help?

Remus: I never said that.

Tonks: Not sure if I like this new look.

Filmmakers: WE MUST KEEP CHANGING HER DESIGN OVER AND OVER. IF WE DON'T CHANGE HER ENTIRE OUTFIT AND HAIR AND CRAP THEN NO ONE WILL KNOW SHE'S A METAMORPHMAGUS. But whatever you do, under NO circumstances are you to make her hair spiky and/or pink. Ever.

Tonks: But I'm kind of with Harry on this one, love. You were in a position of power over Snape when you were still at school, you have no idea what it's like to be a student under him. It's enough to convince any student outside his own House that he's an evil poophead.

Remus: It all comes down to whether or not you trust the judgment of a man who left a baby old enough to walk alone on a doorstep in November, evidently never checked up on him to see if he was being mistreated in any way, may or may not have pitted an eleven-year-old intentionally against Voldemort, may or may not have forced a twelve-year-old to fight a giant basilisk in addition to a Horcrux instead of just sending his phoenix to get him and anyone else out of there before they were killed, definitely forced a thirteen- and fourteen-year-old to break the laws of time and space in order to save a guy they thought was a mad mass murderer only hours ago instead of doing it his own damn self, threw his all-time favorite student into a trophy case and never offered him any help that could've ensured his survival in an incredibly dangerous tournament that he would've almost surely died in if a different professor with poor intentions hadn't helped him cheat instead, kept vital information from him that by doing so basically ensured the death of my last best mate, and hardly ever changes his damn clothes. And since I'm immensely stupid, even though I know all of this I still trust the old bastard.

Harry: …Yeah, why is that exactly? Dumbledore can make mistakes, he's only human like the rest of us, and while I know you worship him for letting you come to Hogwarts, you seem to be blinded by your devotion, unwilling to see that he screws up just like everyone else, and his fuck-ups often have far more serious consequences than other people's.

Remus: Well you're blinded by hatred!

Harry: …Of Dumbledore? I still like him well enough, I just—

Remus: No, of Snape and Malfoy.

Harry: Oh. And you're clearly on good terms with Snape yourself, are you?

Remus: I neither like nor dislike Severus.

Tonks: …You're not dumping me for him, are you?

Remus: No, this book seems to imply that I'm straight.

Harry: Tell that to Cuarón.

Arthur: LOL.

Remus: But anyway, people are disappearing, meaning dying, every other hour it seems like. I know the film has barely focused on that at all, but it's true. We can only place our trust in a handful of people, and even then we'll probably be constantly second-guessing ourselves over whether that was the right choice to make. If we start fighting amongst ourselves, we're fucked.

Harry: Says the man who scolded me for trusting people next book.

Remus: Well at that point everybody betray me and I fed up with this world.

Audience: …Why does Arthur have a pillow over his crotch?

Molly: I'm shouting for Ginny for some reason.

Tonks: …Come on, love, let's go offscreen and do Merlin knows what.

Remus: M'kay.

Harry: I did not need that image.

Interviewer: And is there anything that you loved in the books that got cut out of the films that didn't make it into the final scenes?

David Thewlis: With our relationship, I think, there's obviously a lot more in the books than they had room for in the films.

Natalia Tena: Yeah. I was pretty sad about that.

David Thewlis: Yeah.

Natalia Tena: I was saddened that, you know, I was—I thought I was gonna go to Hogwarts, 'cause I'm not, I'm never there, and in the sixth one she's with Harry all the way through, and she protects him, she's looking really drab and really depressed. I was like "Brilliant, I get to hang out with all the kids and be—" All cut. I was like "Oh."

David Thewlis: *chuckles*

Natalia Tena: And you know at the end, like, I was really excited about my hair going pink, um, because, you know, we do get together but that never happened either, and I was like "Oh."

David Thewlis: *laughs again*

Natalia Tena: So I kind of miss these little moments, you know?

Harry: I am staring at the floor, and then there's a noise as if someone just sat down next to me and there's a tray in mah face.

Ginny: LOL JK, I haven't sat down yet.

Harry: Huh, weird.

Ginny: And now I'm going to stare at you in awkward silence for an extended period of time.

Arthur: Awww, I actually approve, that's so cute! *puts pillow that he had over his crotch down on the chair. It was never used again*

Ginny: He gone yet?

Harry: Seems to be. Why?

Ginny: I am openly flirting with you with absolutely no indication that I ever broke up with Dean!

Harry: You two-timing bitch!

Ginny: Shut up and let me feed you like the subservient woman I am.

Harry: Please, if you were really a subservient woman you'd get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Ginny: …Dude. Cookie thing.

Harry: I do like cookie things.

Ginny: Don't you trust me?

Harry: With the way you're currently cheating on Dean? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe if you called off your relationship with him before you started one with me—

Ginny: EAT THE COOKIE THING.

Harry: …You terrify me. *takes tiny bite out of cookie thing instead of eating the whole thing in one bite like most people I know would, which would've been an excuse for him to suck on her fingers and make it even more obvious why they went with a PG rating* It is good and stuff.

Ginny: That is good and stuff.

Harry: I think I have a bit of powder on my nose.

Ron: Hey li'l sis, mind if I sit next to my best mate?

Ginny: Yes.

Ron: *shrugs* You asked for it. *moves to sit on her*

Ginny: *scrambles out of the way*

Ron: That's what I thought. And I seem to have caught the Inability to Act bug from y'all, since I just sit here with a particularly stupid expression on my face. Anyway, Fred and George stopped by this place called Mrs. Lovett's and picked up a bunch of meat pies, and they're pretty good. Lupin's been scarfing them down like crazy, I managed to save a weird tray thing full of 'em. Want one?

Harry: …Aren't they made of human meat?

Ron: That would explain why they don't taste like cat. *shoves several into his mouth at once*

Harry: I have a hangnail. *noms hangnail*

~…Hang on, they went through all that trouble to show it snowing everywhere and they don't make it snow by the Burrow? Is that wheat or whatever supposed to be growing like that at this point?~

Arthur: You'll have to forgive Remus. It takes its toll, his condition. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he just lost his last remaining friend again, I assure you.

Harry: Yeah, you'd think both of us would still be grieving about that, but you'd be wrong.

Arthur: This shed thing's actually pretty kickass.

Harry: Indeed, you have perfectly created your average Muggle Shed of Useless Junk.

Arthur: *excitedly* Really?

Harry: Yep, congrats. How're y'all doin', anyway?

Arthur: Quite well, it's apparently not all that cold out so this scarf is all I need. Also I know we're being followed, you don't have to go out of your way to remind me while you're Polyjuiced next year, I've got everything under control. Molly doesn't leave the house, we don't want our side to be known for doing the majority of the killing after all, we're supposed to be the good guys and all that. It makes things more difficult that way, but considering we can just spell food to make sure there's a never ending supply of it we're not doing as poorly as we could be. Though I am starting to get sick of pasta every damn night, good thing Fred and George picked up those pies.

Harry: THEY ARE MADE OF PEOPLE.

Arthur: I wondered what that toe was doing in mine.

Harry: …SO ANYWAY. Did you get my owl?

Arthur: Yes, I did, and I can't believe you're actually still using Hedwig, that was awesome. But yeah, the Ministry has no idea that Dumbledore's traveling. The Ministry has no idea about a lot of things, but that's neither here nor there. Dumbledore's probably profoundly grateful for their incompetence this year. As for Draco Malfoy…I know a bit more.

Harry: You been stalking him too, then?

Arthur: …You're a sick fuck, you know that? Anyway, I sent an agent to Borgin and Burkes—

Harry: Wait, you sent old man Perkins to a place like that?

Arthur: I got promoted, remember? I got like ten people answering to me now instead of just the one. And we've pretty much figured out, from what you've described and from my agent actually looking at the damn thing, that the thing you and Ron saw Draco molesting is a Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry: A Vanishing Cabinet?

Arthur: Yes, a Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry: …Wait, so it's a Vanishing Cabinet?

Arthur: Indeed, it is a Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry: Why am I repeating Vanishing Cabinet?

Arthur: I have no idea why you keep repeating Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry: So what is a Vanishing Cabinet?

Arthur: Vanishing Cabinets were, like, totally the latest style during the first war—HOLY FUCK I JUST USED VOLDEMORT'S NAME THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND SO TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME YOU SHOULD REALLY BE QUESTIONING IF I'M REALLY WHO I SAY I AM OR NOT I COULD BE COMPLETELY EVIL AND YET I'VE MANAGED TO LURE YOU HERE ON YOUR OWN WHERE I CAN KILL YOU AT ANY MOMENT RUN FOR YOUR LIFE RON BETTER STAY OUT OF THE BASEMENT THERE ARE SPIDERS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

Harry: That doesn't actually answer my question.

Arthur: It was a highly desired trinket in that time, I'm surprised there aren't more of them again. If Voldemort, Death Eaters, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, or someone who wants to be the next senator of Connecticut literally going door to door on at least the street you live on and begging people to vote for her without even telling you what her policies are pop by and you really don't wanna have to deal with their bullshit, you just go through the door, assuming you can fit into that extremely tiny space, and disappear for an hour or two even though if there aren't two connected ones I don't see how you can get back the same way. I guess you'd just have to make your way home again. They could transport you basically anywhere, even though the average wizarding home seems to have us believe that you can just Apparate out at will since Fred and George were doing it all the time last book. As simple as it sounds, they were actually really hard to work apparently. I guess they'd just drop you off anywhere unless they were connected to another one, which seems like it hardly ever happens, otherwise we wouldn't be so puzzled by the thought of it still being in Borgin and Burkes.

Harry: So what happened to the Vanishing Cabinet in Borgin and Burkes?

Arthur: …I just said it was still there, you daft dimbo.

Harry: So you're saying that the Vanishing Cabinet is still in Borgin and Burkes?

Arthur: *punches Harry in the throat*

~What's with the random shaky cam? And why not just film at the damn Burrow, I can barely tell what's going on.~

Remus: Either I've already said thanks or I'm rudely leaving without showing any kind of gratitude.

Tonks: Which is why I must make excuses for my man, like every girlfriend when their boyfriend's acting like a prick.

Arthur: I AM GLARING AT EVERYTHING FOR NO REASON.

Molly: We've got room, now, if you two want to stay over.

Tonks: Nah, it's always awkward when you're trying to get it on and you're in someone else's house—I-I mean, uh, the first night of the cycle's always the worst, you know how it is.

Molly: Huh. I remember it being the second or third day or so for me.

Tonks: …I was talking about the lunar cycle.

Molly: OH! Oh. Wait, first night's the worst? Since when did the books conform to the three nights of full moon theory?

Tonks: The books never said they don't.

Molly: Plus you seem to be implying that tonight would be the first night of the cycle. It's pretty late, the moon should've risen by now, so where the hell is it and why is your boyfriend not a puppy? OH GOD DON'T LET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR THE DISHES. He might want to wash them. *shudders, terrified at the very thought*

Tonks: Look, I'm just reading the script and relishing the fact that I'm actually in the damn movie.

Arthur: You seem a little tense, Remus.

Remus: I feel a disturbance in the Force.

Book readers: Scrimgeour must be getting close, then.

Filmmakers: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! OH GOD THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! OH I CAN'T BREATHE!

Book readers: …This does not bode well.

Wind: *blows…OMINOUSLY! And reflecting the general mood of the audience quite well*

Remus: …Okay, am I supposed to be sniffing out Greyback or what?

Tonks: Sweetheart?

Movie watchers: Wait, they're together now?

Book readers: *facepalm*

Movie watchers: …Who is she again?

Book readers' heads: *explode*

Harry: I AM UPSTAIRS. And I'm not even gonna bother saying good-bye to my last remaining father figure aside from the several that remain. Or maybe I did already, Iunno.

Ginny: I AM IN A BATHROBE.

Harry: Sorry, if a Weasley isn't in a towel then it's just not worth it.

Ginny: Has Ron gone to bed already so he won't interrupt us again and I won't be forced to strangle him with his own liver?

Harry: …How can you strangle someone with a liver?

Ginny: Oh, I'm sure I'll find a way.

Harry: …Can you wait here while I make sure he's asleep, then? He's not supposed to nearly get choked to death until later.

Ginny: Shoelace.

Harry: No, the title's Shoebox, actually, and after rereading it for the five millionth time and continuing to die of laughter I have to say it's probably one of the best—

Ginny: No, your shoelace is untied.

Harry: Uh-huh, nice try, but I know that Fred and George are your brothers and I am not falling for that again.

Ginny: Sigh, fine, I'll tie it for you. *bends down*

Harry: …O…kay…?

Mature section of the audience: While you're down there…

The entire audience: Seriously, when did she turn so subservient? Why did she turn so subservient?

Ginny: *gets back up* I AM TALLER THAN YOU.

Harry: The staircase is right behind you. I wouldn't tempt me if I were you.

Ginny: *visibly slouches a little so they're about even* Merry Christmas, Harry.

Harry: …Am I seriously about to kiss a girl who hasn't visibly broken up with her current boyfriend yet?

Fire: TIMING! *starts to form a ring around the Burrow*

Remus: That's not cool.

Bellatrix: *flies in through a cloud of black smoke—I mean Apparates in, of course, why not* 'Ello, 'ello! I'm hanging out with Fenrir and we thought that it'd be a great idea to easily attack the building that ickle baby Potty's in and the people he's with, as long as we didn't attempt to capture him for the Dark Lord or kill any of his loved ones.

Tonks: …That's kind of dumb, Auntie.

Bellatrix: Oh what do you know, you're hanging out with a werewolf!

Tonks: As opposed to what you're doing right now?

Book readers: *blink* Um… *glance at their fellow book-reading neighbors* Did…Did we misread a chapter?

Harry and Ginny: WE MUST HELP THE ADULTS FIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE INCOMPETENT AND IN THIS SERIES ONLY CHILDREN CAN BE COMPETENT FIGHTERS. WHICH IS WHY CEDRIC AND COLIN AND POSSIBLY LAVENDER ALL DIED HORRIBLY.

Bellatrix: Well my work here is done. LATERZ! *runs away*

Harry: Pardon me for a second, will you?

Arthur and Molly We-Will-Kick-Your-Fucking-Ass Weasley, the werewolf who's served in both wars and can easily hold his own in a fight, and the equivalent of a fucking cop: Oh, of course, go ahead—Wait a minute…

Harry: ALREADY RUNNING AFTER HER, BYEZ!

Arthur: Harry, NO! COME BACK, I SHOUT AS I DON'T MAKE ANY MOVE TO ACTUALLY RUN AFTER YOU!

Remus: I am not losing anyone else! *actually runs after him*

Tonks: And I'm not losing you! Not when our relationship actually seems to work out in this version!

Harry: I WILL RUN DIRECTLY TOWARD THE FIYAH!

Remus: YOU IDIOT, I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT!

Harry: NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU LET ME STICK MY FINGER IN THE CANDLE FLAME!

Remus: Oh yeah.

Harry: Hey look, a convenient gap in the flames. *runs through the convenient gap in the flames*

Remus: Aww, the convenient gap in the flames inconveniently closed up. Must…nonverbally…move…fiyah…

Tonks: IF ONLY SOME KIND OF SPELL THAT CAN MAGICALLY SHOOT WATER OUT OF OUR WANDS EXISTED!

Remus: STOP LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD, THIS IS REAL LIFE!

Arthur and Molly: We're just gonna stand here and watch as our guests put out the fire that may consume our home for us. What nice people.

Ginny: You're also gonna stand idly by while I slip out and run after Harry, right?

Molly and Arthur: Of course not, that'd just be silly.

Ginny: That's nice. 'Scuse me.

Molly and Arthur: Certainly, certainly—OH FUCK NO!

Ginny: Hey, a smaller, less convenient gap in the flames! Thanks, guys!

Arthur: DON'T YOU TWO DARE LET HER GO!

Molly: I'm just gonna keep standing in the doorway and not go after my one and only daughter. Suddenly I think the "Not my daughter, you bitch" thing in two films is me trying to make up for my lack of action during this scene.

Ron, Fred and George: …What, are we sleeping through all this, what the hell?

Ginny: WHEEEE!

Remus and Tonks: Oh balls.

Bellatrix: *bursts into song* Nothing's gonna harm you/Not while I'm around/I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!

Harry: Must continue running in straight line and hope that she doesn't veer off slightly and hit me with a quick avada kedavra.

Bellatrix: OOOooooh, I should introduce you to my friend Fenrir! Who I should not be casually hanging out with unless my Lord forced us on a mission together, and even then I should be viewing the whole thing with great distaste, considering he's a fucking half-breed.

Harry: Wait, who're we talking about?

Bellatrix: Mah friendly-friend who should by all rights not be mah friendly-friend. Fenrir enjoys booty dancing, long walks on rocky meteors, and slowly digesting people until they talk!

Harry: Huh, sounds like a decent enough guy.

Ginny: AND NOW I AM RUNNING. Jesus, it's cold, seeing as it's December.

Harry: I AM STILL RUNNING. And now I'm not.

Wind: Yes, this is all rather pointless, isn't it.

Harry: I HEARD SOMETHING. I MUST SPEND SEVERAL MORE HOURS CHASING IT.

Audience: *keeps nodding off at random intervals*

Ginny: Still running. Getting kind of bored with it.

CREEPY SHADOW!: *is a fucking creepy shadow*

Ginny: Well that was weird. And now I will stop, terrified and alone, and slowly turn around even though the creepy shadow was right in front of me. Though right when I turn around, you'll notice that I am no longer entirely surrounded by whatever the fuck this plant is, but that there is an open pond area type thing that I am now turning my back to and leaving me entirely open. Yep, those DA lessons sure were put to good use.

Greyback: Well I seem to be taking forever to actually show up onscreen.

Ginny: Yeah, could you hurry it up, I haven't got all night.

Rifftrax: Hey, can you tell me what and who I am?

Greyback: Creepiest. Smile. Ever.

Ginny: I obviously have to be paralyzed with fear until my man shows up to save me. Then I can start fighting. *grumbles* Canon Ginny would never have hesitated like that.

Harry: I HAVE COME FOR YOU, MY LOVE!

Ginny: Oh joy.

Harry: Stupefy!

Greyback: *deflects it* Still not red jets of light, huh?

Harry: Nope.

Ginny: …So I just picked my wand out of the water. I suppose this means that Greyback disarmed me. If so, it would be nice if the filmmakers bothered to show it so I wouldn't look like a fucking pussy who needs to be saved by a man.

Greyback: I am now flying—I mean Apparating away for some reason.

Harry and Ginny: …O…kay…?

Camera: LOOK AT THE SWAMP. IT IS TEH boring and lame, why did we just switch focus to it.

Harry and Ginny: …O…kay…?

What follows: *is a bunch of different shaky cam shots of the plant things that I'm too lazy to look up if they're wheat or barley or whatever the fuck and shots of Ginny and Harry wetting themselves*

What also follows: *is me putting this off for days because this is such a bullshit scene that is sucking out all the joy I once found in doing these things*

iheartmwpp: Yes. I am in immense pain. I have never cared less about what is going on in a Harry Potter movie. If I stood on a tall building and just stared at the ground, and didn't care about this movie, that not caring would form an ocean of apathy across the world that I could swim in.

Bellatrix: Okay, back now, hopefully we can now actually have some action or something. Not that it matters, I'm about as bored as everyone else here. This was probably a bad idea…

Remus or Arthur, I never really knew which one it was even though the subtitles say it was Arthur, but since his only daughter is also in grave danger and he would be way more worried about her and he also doesn't show up for a bit Imma say it was Remus: HAAAAARRRRYYYYY!

Tonks: I AM RUNNING!

Remus: I am standing still and not bothering to move even though popular fanfic theory claims that I could just smell them all out or something, which also would make whatever the fuck I was doing back at the Burrow make more sense except it doesn't and that's stupid.

Tonks: How the fuck did I find you.

Remus: Iunno, but I hear non-threatening-sounding spells over there, so let's go over there.

Tonks: M'kay.

Ginny: How did I learn how to cast Shield Charms nonverbally? I'm only in my fifth year, that's like sixth year spellwork.

Harry: Nice to know that Stunning is barely distinguishable from the Patronus Charm…Well to be fair, the latter's slightly more bluish, but still, Stunning isn't fucking white.

Bellatrix: Prepare for trouble!

Greyback: Make it double!

Harry: Oh come off it, that would've worked way better if you said it when you first showed up!

Bellatrix: Ah, but we didn't arrive together, you see.

Harry: I tire of this, can we go to bed now?

Arthur: Now I'm coming after my baby girl, about damn time.

Harry: *manly grunt*

Ginny: *girlish squeak*

iheartmwpp: Okay, whatever you wanna say about canon Ginny, at least that chick grew a set of balls over time. THIS ONE IS LAME.

The future Mr. and Mrs. Lupin: Hey, we're here to back you up.

Harry: About fucking time. Ginny, stay behind me, you inferior female person, you.

Ginny: Your elbows are bony as fuck, get them away from me.

Remus: Do as he says, Ginny. *puts an arm out to shield her as well*

Ginny: Oh yeah, your skinny arm'll block so much.

Tonks: Men, amirite?

Arthur: HOW DID I GET HERE.

Bellatrix: Why am I not just firing off a random Killing Curse and have done with it?

Harry, Ginny, Arthur, Remus, and Tonks: …Why isn't the water frozen at least, it's fucking Christmas.

Greyback: Dude, we should totally blow up the Burrow, we might actually kill some people so this whole experience won't've been a complete fucking waste of time.

Bellatrix: Nah, they're probably all hanging around outside and just waiting around aimlessly for their husband/father and daughter/sister to come back instead of doing anything to help them out in this fight. This is why evil will always prevail. Because good is dumb.

Greyback: No, we'll totally kill at least one person. Bigass house like that with the twins setting off explosions all the time, they can probably sleep through anything and therefore will still be asleep, meaning if we blow the place up we'll nab at least one and it'll be totally awesome.

Bellatrix: I still don't think it'll work. I mean, the most we'll be able to do is kill off the ghoul in the attic if we're lucky, and since that was never introduced in this version it might as well not even exist.

Fenrir: Bet you I'm right.

Bellatrix: Bet you you're wrong.

Fenrir: Bet you you're a skank.

Bellatrix: Bet you you're an asshole.

Fenrir: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE.

Bellatrix: Sigh, fine, we'll do it your way. *flies off in black smoke—APPARATES, why is this so hard for me to remember, back to the Burrow*

Tonks: …Okay, that was weird.

Greyback: *also "Apparates" back to the Burrow*

Harry: So who the fuck was that guy, anyway?

Remus: Huh, we have a perfect set-up where both named werewolves are in the exact same location, and yet no one knows who the fucker is. That's…That's a fucking missed opportunity, that is.

Burrow: *still has a circle of fire around it that no one else is bothering to put out, with no one outside it. And then it explodes*

Bellatrix and Greyback: DEATH EATERS BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIIIIN! Twinkle.

Arthur: OH FUCK NO NOT MY MOLLYWOBBLES! FUCK MY CHILDREN, I NEED TO GET TO MY WIFE and find out why exactly my youngest child is a brunette, what the fuck.

Ginny: My hair's just wet, Dad, I showered before this all happened. And now I hafta do it again, this blows—We no longer have a shower. This really blows.

Arthur: Uh-huh, sure. *knocks Harry into the swamp as he shoves past him and runs back home*

Harry: MERLIN'S SASSY GAY FRIEND, SOMEONE HELP ME, I'M DROWNING, I CAN'T SWIM, HELP ME!

Remus: *eyeroll* It's ankle-deep sludge, just get up.

Harry: …I knew that.

Ginny: Hey, we should go check to see whether or not my entire family just burned to death.

Tonks: Capital idea!

Arthur, Tonks, Remus, Harry, and Ginny: RUNNING!

Molly: My house is burning down. Imma stare at it in sadness.

Ron: The weird thing is that there's no circle of flames surrounding the place anymore.

Arthur: *hugging Molly* Did you lot get rid of it?

Fred: Possibly, Iunno.

George: Though it kinda makes you wonder why we're not doing anything about it now.

Fred: Yeah, I mean every single one of us has a wand, and the Ministry's not really paying attention anymore.

George: There is absolutely nothing stopping all of us from just spraying the house down with aguamenti, except maybe that Ginny might not know it yet.

Camera: No, there's still a ring of fire that wasn't there a second ago.

Weasleys: Huh. Guess it comes and it goes.

Tonks: That's what she said.

Remus: Not really the best timing, love.

Molly: I can't believe it. We're completely homeless. Every single memory I have of raising seven beautiful children…gone. *sniff* If only there was some kind of spell that can magically fix a house to its original state…

Arthur: It's time to start living in reality, my sweet.

Harry: This is so noncanon it hurts.

~And so the most painful moment the entire fandom will ever experience finally, blissfully, ends.~

Review or a werewolf will wash your dishes next full moon.


	9. Teh WHY CAN'T THIS SON OF A BITCH ACT

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Dragonball Z Abridged, Code MENT, a line I got from yoneld, PotterFicWeekly, Fifty Shades of Grey, Spider-Man, Kingdom Hearts, that one song thing, or Rifftrax.

~…Holy fuck, that's Amelia Bones in the Prophet. Nice allusion to her death that decidedly wasn't a disappearance…about six or seven months too late, but who's counting.~

Hermione: It's so easy for them to get to you!

Harry: Yeah, you'd think Dumbledore would've put a fuckton of protection spells around the Burrow like in canon. Guess it just slipped his feeble, senile mind.

Hermione: You're lucky you weren't killed!

Harry: We're all lucky that no Unforgiveables were thrown around and all we had to deal with was fire.

Hermione: You have to realize who you are, Harry—

Harry: Look, bitch, I know who I am, and I get that it's my fault that the Burrow was attacked because I exist, but considering that this is the only time anyone feels like actually blaming me to my face about this kind of bullshit coupled with the fact that it's Dumbledore's fault and the fault of the Order for not actually doing anything to guard the fucking place, how about you get off my ass for once.

Hermione: Don't you dare take that tone with me—

Harry: Then take it up with Dumbledore, I don't have time to deal with your bullshit.

Hermione: Go fuck yourself.

Harry: M'kay.

Hermione: Now tell me what Arthur told you.

Harry: I can't if I'm off fucking myself, pick what you want me to do and stick with it…Since when are you on first-name terms with Mr. Weasley?

Hermione: When did we suddenly get on first-name terms with Remus?

Harry: Touché. But yeah, something along the lines of Dumbledore travelling being news to the Ministry, as they've done such a good job of keeping up with everything so far. Also, that cabinet Draco was fondling at Borgin and Burkes, that was a Vanishing Cabinet.

Hermione: Hmm…Apparently it's common knowledge that a Vanishing Cabinet can transport you somewhere else…and the Floo Network's being watched and you can't Apparate or Disapparate inside of Hogwarts and presumably Remus and Sirius actually told people about all the secret passageways this time…I can't imagine what Draco would want to use such a device for!

Harry: Me neither!

Hermione: Draco looks kind of different this year. Didn't the book describe him similarly to Remus always looking a bit sickly, even going out of its way to make the comparison and causing quite a bit of the fandom to jump to the conclusion that Greyback bit him or whatever?

Harry: …Well there goes my theory about him having a Dark Mark, then, even Greyback himself never got one.

Ron: …Yeah, this cheesy necklace that most women wouldn't be caught dead wearing completely distracts me from the fact that my childhood home's burned to the ground and I'm currently homeless. Thanks so much, Lav-Lav.

Lavender: *squees* Don't worry, Won-Won, the Burrow'll be just as you left it and everyone'll forget that it ever happened since it had no dramatic impact and the film immediately went back to its central focus on teenage drama without a backward glance or any kind of acknowledgement that horrible things just happened.

Ron: …You know, the least you could do was offer me a semblance of comfort or something.

Lavender: Of course not, it's all about the girl in the relationships and men are just cute accessories, don't you know anything?

Hermione's eyebrows: Well that's just not healthy and is completely untrue. I'm gonna have to leave before I choke a bitch. Also I need to vomit.

Harry: Merlin's overheating computer, you're not going bulimic, are you?

Hermione: N-No, i-it was just a joke based on how much Lavender sickens me.

Harry: …You know I'm here if you ever need to talk, right?

Hermione: Yeah, sure, whatever, see you. *runs for the nearest bathroom, Puking Pastille clutched tightly in hand*

Harry: Damn it, I thought she was getting too thin. I'm really going to have to write the twins and tell them how harmful their products can be…

Lavender: I WANNA PIGGYBACK RIDE!

Ron: Well this is humiliating…

Harry: I'm on the verge of claiming that we're not friends.

Ron: Well fuck.

~HEY LOOK! MEMORY BOTTLES! AREN'T YOU GLAD THAT ALL OF THE TRANSITIONS WE'VE SEEN WITHIN THE PAST FIVE MINUTES OR SO HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY SMOOT AND FLAWLESS?~

Dumbledore: I'm just gonna stand over here, la-de-da-de-doo…

Harry: So are you just looking at me hunched over, shoving my face into a strange liquid that's oddly greenish with black tendrils swirling around it as opposed to the silvery liquid it was in the fourth film and in canon?

Dumbledore: Do you want a change from the nasty brown this film's almost entirely become or not?

Harry: Fine, whatever…Why aren't I visibly trailing after characters whose memories these are anymore? And why aren't you visibly with me?

Dumbledore: Because shut up.

Harry: Fine, whatever. *sticks face in strange basin filled with unknown substance because his teacher told him to bend over*

Green and black smoky crap: *coalesces into Slughorn's office*

Slughorn: And so I tell him, "I don't care who you are! Now clean my jowls!"

Riddle: No one ever knows what you're talking about.

Audience: …That's not Christian Coulson…

New Riddle: I have a very strange way of talking. Anyway, I was wondering if I could maybe get Professor Merrythought's job after said professor retires.

Crystallized pineapple: NO DON'T EAT ME!

Slughorn: Nom.

Crystallized pineapple: I NEVER SAW ZIMBABWE!

Slughorn: Whether or not Merrythought is actually retiring or not is classified for some reason.

Random Slytherin boys who include Lestrange and Avery: We're just here to look posh and pretteh.

Slughorn: By the way, thank you for not poisoning the candy like most evil bastards would or dosing it with Veritaserum like any sensible person who wishes to get information out of someone just in case outright manipulation doesn't work out or just to save yourself a lot of time and effort.

Book readers: Huh, Slughorn's aged well, considering this scene was fifty years ago.

Slughorn: How did you know this was my favorite candy, anyway?

Riddle: Legilimency—I-I mean you were buying a fuckton of it at Honeydukes so I just naturally assumed.

Slughorn: My body language indicates that I am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

Poufwanians: LOL, he's still wearing plaid.

The Doctor: And a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

Clock: TIMING!

Slughorn: …Holy fuck, it's three in the morning. What the hell. GTFO, the lot of you, or Dippet'll expel all of you and give me the sack. Because getting caught after hours is the most serious punishable offense at Hogwarts. Maybe you'll get off lucky and we'll just be chucked in the Forest or something.

Riddle: Is that a fact?

Slughorn: Well of course. If you're caught attempting to murder a fellow student, for all intents and purposes, you get away scot free. But if you're framed for actually murdering a fellow student, even though you will be expelled, you're still allowed to remain on school grounds while the real culprit, again, gets away scot free.

Riddle: Interesting, I'll have to remember that…

Slughorn: Glad to be of service. *taps hourglass* Any other information that could cause great harm to mankind that I can give you?

Riddle: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Slughorn: There's no need for that, this piece of shit's really starting to drag as it is.

Riddle: Fair point. Also I still look like I'm about twelve. You see, I couldn't think of anyone else who would be stupid enough to cave into my obvious evil plot of evil, since I'm not sure if Lockhart's been born yet. And anyway he's not a member of the staff yet, and the other teachers…well, they're not like you.

Rifftrax: They only pee sometimes.

Riddle: They might…think I'm up to something evil while you'll just play along and close your eyes to the truth if it's something you don't want to acknowledge.

Slughorn: I agree with you completely, please continue.

Riddle: I'm admitting to a person in a position of high authority that I broke the rules and went into the Restricted Section in the library without permission, though since I'm a prefect I guess I can get away with it anyway. So I came across something rather odd about a bit of rare magic, because obviously an object that you can store a part of your soul into is completely normal. I thought perhaps you could give me any extra advice that is available to you, even if it's just a theory you may have that I could run wild with and try to prove. It's called, as I udnesanfir efzpweodk, espdocomemoo peohioenf fuvhiu.

Slughorn: …Da fuck? I have no idea what the fuck you just said and even if I could make it out I would murder you on the spot. Now go jump off the Astronomy Tower, I never want to be in the presence of your putrescence ever again!

Riddle: *turns around and dissolves into black smoke which reaches up and tries to pull Harry's face down into the depths like a Pensieve should be doing anyway basically*

Harry: *surfaces* …

Dumbledore: *looks up from Fifty Shades of Grey and quickly hides it behind beard* Confuzzled? Yeah, I have no idea what just happened either.

Harry: Which is why I'm asking you what just happened. Me no hear goodly.

Dumbledore: This is perhaps the most important flashback I've collected, which is why it's only one of the two we've decided to go with for the movie because there's no need for you to know what the other objects you'll be searching for over the next two films might be, that's not important to the plot at all.

Book readers: …The fuck are they gonna make the final two films work, then?

Filmmakers: You know what's never utilized enough? Spidey Sense.

Book readers: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Dumbledore: I also fucked up while collecting it so it's borderline useless.

Harry: Oh great.

Dumbledore: It's been tampered with, even though I just realized that if the memory had been fine we could've cut the entire Felix Felices plotline in order to make way for the rest of the memories and therefore have more time for the underlying plot of the entire franchise. I know the Felix scenes are funneh, but they still kind of drag the movie on longer.

Harry: Least it's comic relief, we see Hagrid again for once, and it's not pointless romance bullshit.

Dumbledore: …This is true, forget I said anything.

Harry: Done and done!

Dumbledore: Also Slughorn's the one who tampered with it. Probably shouldn't've asked him directly for it.

Harry: …Why would he do that?

Dumbledore: I expect he doesn't like me verr mush.

Harry: Would you quit slurring already?

Dumbledore: NEVAR! So I asked you to…get to know Professor Slughorn. How's that been going for ya?

Harry: I am well and truly scarred for life, sir.

Dumbledore: Excellent. Now I want you to get him to give you the real, unaltered memory. Use any means necessary. I'm serious, if you have to prostitute yourself, do it.

Harry: …Okay, I really don't want to get to know him that well, sir.

Rifftrax: And really, I pay tuition here, can I please just get an education?

Dumbledore: *sticks his hand in the Pensieve, which is now pretty and silvery again* This memory is what the entire plot centers around.

Harry: I thought that was the Prince's Tale, sir.

Dumbledore: What? That's stupid, you're stupid! Without this memory, we are blind.

Harry: Just put your glasses back on, you doddering old fool!

Dumbledore: I don't wanna, I have to remain as out of character as possible. Also if we don't get this information we can't save the world. You have no choice, thereby completely negating this series' entire message about always having a choice. If you fail I'll rip your eyes out and drink from your bleeding skull. Hey, remember that time when my hand was dead inside and out? Well look, my hand's dead inside and out.

Harry: That's nice. I'm off to meet up with Draco to plot your murder.

Dumbledore: Have fun with that.

~When'll we get to the part where wizards start dropping like flies? I am so fucking bored right now.~

Slughorn: This'll liven things up. Me alluding to the fact that Potions is still being taught at Hogwarts.

Harry: Well of course it is, it's the only class being taught at all. As evidenced by me coming down here when I should probably be in another class around now or practicing for Quidditch which'll never happen again in the franchise or trying fruitlessly to keep up with homework or something equally pointless in the end.

Slughorn: BEZOARS ARE IMPORTANT EVEN THOUGH WE'LL NEVER SAY WHAT THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY DO. Though really, if you played through that stupid fucking dumb as shit piece of fucking garbage that was the ass-retarded fucking shit-infested game thing on the Film One DVD and saw the extended scene with Severus's class then you'd know anyway. Because every single person in the universe has the patience to sit through that diarrhea-filled piece of fucking fucktits quiz bullshit and memorize all of the deleted scenes. Obviously. I really should've just gotten the VHS…

Small children: …Um…

Slughorn: Now all of you get the fuck outta my classroom.

Small children: *start to flee in panicked hordes*

Slughorn: Alys, you forgot your rat scrotum.

Alys: That was kind of the point. *reluctantly scoops it up*

Small children: *shockingly don't stick around to gape at the Chosen One since that plot point is basically nonexistent aside from Romilda*

Harry: I EXIST.

Slughorn: *has a minor heart attack* I'm all better now. Hai, Prince of Potions!

Book readers: HA, he said prince.

Movie watchers: Sorry, what?

Book readers: …The title of the film? Half-Blood Prince?

Movie watchers: Uh-huh, we get that that's the title, but it's not like they've done much with that aside from that one Potions class. Why, is the name important? Are they gonna get to that soon?

Book readers: …Rage. Indescribable rage.

Slughorn: Though calling him that makes one wonder if I ever called his mother the Princess of Potions and whether or not I got a Bat Bogey Hex for my troubles, since Ginny Weasley's basically a carbon copy of your mother anyway from what little we were able to gather. So anyway, what the fuck're you doing in here? GET OFF MY LAWN.

Harry: …We're indoors, sir.

Slughorn: Oh yeah, look at that.

Harry: …So I kind of wanted to ask you something.

Slughorn: It's a good thing I haven't been here the past five years, otherwise this would immediately strike me as being incredibly out of character for you.

Harry: Well, you see, the other day I was in the library doing homework for classes that don't exist anymore and apparently me being Dumbledore's special favorite means that I can go into the Restricted Section whenever I bloody well please. And why am I trying to copy Voldemort's methods of questioning word for word as well as I can remember it anyway, if you recognize the way I'm talking you'd probably immediately shut me down, but alas I am the dumb. Also earwax. So anyway, I came across something rather odd about a bit of rare magic, because obviously an object that you can store a part of your soul into is completely normal. I thought perhaps you could give me any extra advice that is available to you, even if it's just a theory you may have that I could run wild with and try to prove.

Slughorn: …And exactly what was this rare piece of magic that sounds vaguely familiar and suspicious and a red flag should be going up in my head right now?

Harry: Iunno, I'm just pulling shit out of my ass. Had a bit of liquid courage before I came down here, you see. But not hearing about this thing I'd never heard of before because I'm just being as general as I can and not going into specifics about shit I didn't actually read about got me wondering if there are some kinds of magic the Ministry forbids you from teaching us. Or something.

Rifftrax: Like creationism, or…math.

Slughorn: …I teach Potions, which means I don't know anything else except for Potions and nothing else, because if you go into a specific field of study then you can't possibly know about anything that is outside that field. Go bother Professor Snape.

Harry: Um, somehow I think that would be a very bad idea, sir. He and I routinely exchange death threats over tea. He and the other teachers…well, they're not like you. They might think I'm up to something evil while you'll just play along and close your eyes to the truth if it's something you don't want to acknowledge.

Slughorn: This is all very familiar to me somehow…But yeah, there can be no light without darkness…unless of course your heart possesses absolutely no darkness within it whatsoever. Personally, I always strive to live within the light, mainly because it makes more sense and otherwise I'd just be standing on random cliffs and high towers rambling about darkness and even my underlings would have no idea what the fuck I was talking about. Also you're kind of the freaking main character of a children's series, it'd be great if you stayed a good guy. *turns to leave*

Harry: Minus the good guy bit, is that what you told Tom Riddle when he came asking questions? I ask, I guess, out of desperation?

Slughorn: *spins round, right round, like a record baby, right round round round*

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Slughorn: …Is Dumbledore trying to turn you into Tom Riddle Jr. or what?

Harry: More like Tom Riddle III, Voldemort already is Tom Riddle Jr. really, if you ignore the middle name at any rate.

Slughorn: Tell him to go fuck off, will you? *leaves*

Harry: Hmm, maybe I should've worded that better, or at least attempt to deny it instead of just standing here with a totally pussified expression on my face. Is that a word? It is now.

~Watching how amazing Jim Broadbent is in this is just a harsh reminder about how sucktastic Daniel Radcliffe is in this.~

Review or Voldemort, and eventually Harry, will STARE BLANKLY AT YOU.


	10. Teh HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RON! HERE, HAVE SOME DEATH!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Holy Musical B@man, Sherlock Holmes, TFS Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Pokémon 'Bridged, Barney, "Silly Love Songs," Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Nash's What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, or Rifftrax.

~I don't really know where this deleted scene is supposed to go…SO HERE IT IS!~

Harry: *taps Map*

Hermione: That's annoying, stop it.

Harry: No.

Hermione's eyebrows: *have apparently been quiet all day and only choose now to randomly talk about something Harry probably told her and Ron hours ago* I still can't believe you just expected Sluggy to just tell you something he clearly didn't even want Dumbledore to find out.

Harry: Worked for Voldemort.

Hermione: Yeah, it worked once already, most of us learn from our mistakes.

Harry: …So when my supposedly outlandish theory about Malfoy proves to be accurate, you'll learn from your mistake and learn to trust my crazy and yet correct theories about stuff we don't at first understand?

Hermione: Fuck you.

Harry: Fuck fuck you!

Hermione's eyebrows: Honestly, Harry, I think the Daily Prophet should call you the Dim One.

Harry: …Speaking of Malfoy, we've clearly been hanging around him for too many years, his incredibly pathetic insults are starting to rub off on us.

Hermione: Well you're going to have to get Slughorn to reveal the plot and crap somehow, and now you've just made it harder for yourself.

Harry: Thanks, Hermione, I now have a keen grasp of the obvious. It's not like this hasn't been weighing heavily on my mind since I got back or anything. No wonder this scene was cut.

Hermione: I hafta pee.

Harry: That's nice. *Hermione gets up* Hold up a sec. *points at the Map* I think Malfoy's leaving the castle on occasion. There are points where I have no idea where he is on the Map. It always seems to happen along the seventh floor corridor, but that can't mean anything.

Hermione: That's not possible.

Harry: Neither was the concept of prophecies actually being anything of value, nor was the Chamber of Secrets' existence.

Hermione: Look, no one can leave the castle these days. The Map's wrong.

Harry: Did you not hear the Marauders? The Map never lies!

Hermione: Did you not also know that those guys had massively inflated egos?

Harry: Yes, but they kind of did a lot to get that way, didn't they? How could you not feel proud of yourself if you mastered an Animagus transformation by fifth year, or possibly creating a map of Hogwarts that shows the entire layout, all of the secret passageways that they could find, showed where everyone was at any given moment, and was never fucking wrong?!

Hermione: *sigh* Good night, Harry. *goes up the stairs*  
Harry: Don't you walk away from me! Gah, bitch needs to accept that things don't always have an easy explanation. She's been holding the "I told you so" thing from last year over my head this whole year, I can't wait to get her back after this one. Maybe she'll start to fucking trust me again…

~The next morning…What? I'm bored, I don't wanna come up with clever transitions right now.~

Harry: Knock knock knock knock.

Slughorn: *opens tiny thing in door thing* 'Sup?

Harry: I NEED BOOZE—I mean I need to talk to you about that thing you don't want to talk about.

Slughorn: All right, all right. What you do, is you go down to your local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, AND IT'LL HELP YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF. *shuts tiny thing in door thing*

Harry: YAY PROGRESS.

Tiny thing in door thing: *…exists. What, do they want me to comment on the numerous locking noises behind it that indicate that Slughorn apparently forgot how to use his fucking wand?*

~…OH HAI RON! That was random.~

Ron: I'M SEDATED!

Harry: As I walk in rather quietly…

Ron: MOON PRETTY.

Harry: HOLY FUCK HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS IN HERE.

Ron: I DON'T KNOW.

Harry: That's it, no more chocolate for you.

Ron: It was on your bed, the box. You know pretty much everything you leave out is fair game in this room.

Harry: Whatev, probably wasn't going to eat anything out of a box like that anyway.

Ron: I think I want to be with her for the rest of my life, Harry.

Harry: That terrified of her tearing your face off and wearing it as her own if you dumped her, are you? *gets on bed*

Ron: Of course not, I'm completely subservient to her every command! *curls up on Harry's bed next to him—Damn it slash fic plotline, get the fuck out of my head!* So yeah, I think I love her and stuff.

Harry: …No.

Ron: Yes. *nodding and smiling creepily*

Harry: … *gets off bed and sits on whoever sleeps next to him's bed* I wonder why I never suspected you of being under the Imperius Curse or being Polyjuiced, this is kind of exactly what everyone wants us to watch out for and I'm just kind of ignoring everything.

Ron: *flutters his eyes* D'you think she knows I exist?

Harry: I bloody well hope so, she's been dragging you off into dark corridors and doing Merlin knows what to you for SIXTEEN HOURS HOW THE FUCK LONG IS THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE.

Ron: I are confuzzled as to the subject matter of which you speak.

Harry: …I are cunfuzzled as to the subject matter of which you speak.

Rifftrax: Filch's cat!

Ron: Well the subject matter of which I speak is none other than the lovely goddess that is Romilda Vane.

Harry: So you're gonna grow the balls required to break up with your psychotic girlfriend in order to go out with some chick you hardly know and probably never even met? That doesn't sound desperate at all. *goes to ponder the mystery that is what looks like bright sunlight shining through the window even though the sky outside is dark gray and if the moon is out then it's not nearly that bright*

Ron: *throws a bowling ball at his head*

Harry: I will not cry in pain or give any indication that this hurt me in any way.

Ron: I WANT TO HAVE HER BABIES.

Harry: Okay, fine, you want to turn this into a weird-ass role-reversal mpreg fic, whatever! Do you even know the mother of the baby you'll be carrying? And how the fuck that's even gonna work out considering your distinct lack of a uterus?

Ron: No…Can you introduce me to her and check out the Restricted Section for me, I'm sure something exists somewhere.

Harry: Uh…

Ron: Wow, that is an awesome portrait right there behind my eyes. *wanders back to the window in a date rape drug-induced daze* Seriously, it's like the sun's shining on me, what the fuck.

Harry: I FOUND A CARD THING! I AM NOW READING THE CARD THING! AND NOW I AM DONE READING THE CARD THING! *goes back over to Ron* Come on, let's meet the girl first before we figure out how male pregnancy when the pairing's heterosexual's supposed to work out, or if it's even been thought of yet. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I want to know…

Ron: *takes Harry's hand and is content to be dragged along after him…as long as it means he can sing* I love you, you love me/We're a happy family—

Harry: This needs to end and it needs to end now.

CARD THING: Ron's kind of dumb if he didn't realize from the kind of obvious, heart-shaped bubble-kissing card thing that these were drugged with Love Potion. So please have Harry eat these instead so that I may be known for claiming the virginity of the Boy Who Lived. And also so he may go to jail for five years or more and have to tell everyone that he's a convicted sex offender and child molester for the rest of his life. Or are things a bit more chill in the UK? Iunno, but it definitely shows that I did not think of the consequences of my actions. YAY BEING FOURTEEN OR FIFTEEN AND DUMB AS FUCK! Hugs and kisses and lots of what I think is love but is really me just wanting me a slice of celebrity ass, Romilda.

~Also it's Ron's birthday, but who gives a shit.~

Harry: Knock knock knock knock.

Slughorn: *opens tiny thing in door thing* 'Sup—Oh not this bullshit again—

Harry: THIS COULD BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. Or at least rape.

Slughorn: …Well that's not good.

Ron: *still singing* You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs…

Slughorn: …Da fuck's wrong with Wenby?

Harry: Very powerful Date Rape Drug.

Ron: Whatcha guys talkin' about?

Slughorn: Balls. Fine, kindly Side-Along Apparate him in with a jump cut.

Harry: M'kay.

SUITCASE THING!: *is a suitcase thing*

Slughorn: So why could you not just do it yourself and not bother me?

Harry: 'Cause I don't want to end up getting this one disastrously wrong, Ron's kind of my best mate and his mother would pull my colon out through my nose if I poisoned him.

Ron: HUGGLES! *huggles Slughorn*

Slughorn: I'm not a very huggy person.

Harry: *pries Ron off Slughorn with a crowbar, moving him over to the couch* I'm sorry about that earlier scene we shared together last chapter where I failed at acting once again. Ron, hold this pillow over your crotch, would you, no one needs to see that. Talk about like father like son…

Slughorn: I will forgive you as long as you never mention it again.

Harry: That's nice, allow me to mention it again. So I want to know about Voldemort—

Slughorn: Been a while since someone actually told you to NOT SAY THE DAMN NAME.

Ron: *climbs on top of couch and sits on back thing*

Harry: I AM STILL STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Slughorn: I wanna punch you in the face, not sure why I haven't yet.

Ron: *falls off back of couch*

Audience: HAHAHAHAHA DATE RAPE DRUGS ARE FUNNY AHAHAHAHA. Oooooh, we should totally use these on other people, and after we've laughed at their antics and the effects wear off and they're well and truly humiliated and disgusted with themselves we can also laugh at their pain!

Harry: *puts Ron back on couch—OH NOES WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PILLOW THAT WAS INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT JESUS DICK-WHITTLING CHRIST HOW ARE WE GONNA FINISH THE FILMS WITHOUT IT I WANT MY MOMMY THIS IS THE WORST DISASTER IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANKIND I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF CHOCOLATE AND THERE IS NONE LEFT IN THE HOUSE MY LIFE IS OVER*

Slughorn: Here, have this random drink, it'll make you feel better.

Ron: Even in my drug-addled state I still don't really trust this strange creepy old man.

Slughorn: Trust me, if I was really that disturbing I wouldn't be trying to get rid of the effects.

Ron: 'Spose so. *takes a tiny sip*

iheartmwpp: Apparently you only need to take a sip of potion for it to work. What a waste of ingredients.

Ron: *still smiling stupidly, then it slowly drips off his face and forms a puddle on the floor* Well that's disgusting. Also why do I feel like shite.

Harry: You got a date rape drug for your birthday.

Slughorn: Good thing we got to you when we did, or who knows what that girl might've done to you against your will.

Harry: HAHAHAHAHA YOU WERE NEARLY SEXUALLY VIOLATED BY A GIRL YOU BARELY KNEW AND IT WAS MEANT FOR ME WHICH MEANS I WAS NEARLY RAPED THIS IS HILARIOUS NOTHING COULD EVER RUIN THIS DAY FOR ME I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE AND EVERYONE IN IT RAPE IS SUCH A PLEASANT AND FUNNY TOPIC HAHAHAHAHA!

Ron: Oh God I'm gonna be sick. Also we're no longer friends because you disgust me and you're a horrible excuse for a human being.

Slughorn: How 'bout we exchange one date rape drug for another? I have quite a stash of booze stored down here, let's see…

Harry: Booze? I like booze! GIVE ME BOOZE.

Slughorn: Butterbeer's not nearly strong enough, you two don't really look like the types to enjoy wine…Dazzling oak-matured mead, hmm, I was gonna give that to Dumbledore, but it is booze and we certainly want to forget this ever happened… *pours mead*

Harry: I AM SLOUCHING AWKWARDLY!

Ron: You had a few before you got here, didn't you.

Harry: YEPPERS!

Ron: Why do we hang out.

Slughorn: *hands one to Ron first, that was nice of him*

Ron: Must drink to forget, must drink to forget… *downs half of it in one* …That tasted a bit weird…

Slughorn: Here we go, Potter!

Harry: Thank you! *goes to drink it*

Slughorn: Nope! Toasting first!

Harry: Damn your eyes!

Ron: …Why do I feel worse…

Slughorn: Now let's see…It's Wimbledon's birthday today, you say?

Harry: Yep, even though I'm the only one with a birthday in the films but half the time that's not even acknowledged, and even in the books this is the first time Ron's ever actually had a birthday as far as I'm aware and wenever acknowledge Hermione's...

Ron: *clutching chest* My lungs're burning…it hurts to breathe… *chokes, coughs up blood*

Slughorn: Well how about a simple toast to life, then?

Harry: Sounds good to me, sir!

Glasses: Clink!

Ron: *collapses and starts to froth at the mouth*

Harry: …Well that's not good. Here, hold this for me, would you?

Slughorn: Of course, my dear boy, of course.

Harry: *kneels by Ron's side* Ron? You okay, mate?

Ron: *starts twitching and flailing violently, face turns blue*

Harry: Oh dear. Professor, can you think of anything you might be able to do to help? *doesn't really sound all that panicked about anything*

Slughorn: I…Well, you see, I…Oh dear, this can't be happening, I'm paralyzed with shock. I'm sorry, dear boy, I'm afraid I'm quite useless.

Harry: *runs over to the suitcase thing, finally starting to rush and panic a little*

Ron: Still dying, here. You know, JKR was actually thinking vaguely about killing me off at one point, wonder if this would've been it.

Harry: *opening drawers* I have no idea what most of these things are…

Ron: Yep, still dying. You keep cutting back to me because you don't want to watch Harry fail at fumbling, don't you?

Camera: Pretty much, yeah.

Harry: *not quite frantically enough picks up a box, stares at it long enough so the audience can read the label marked "bezoars," opens it up, and presumably takes a plastic-wrapped piece out and takes it back to Ron*

Ron: *is no longer moving. At all. Might even be dead by this point*

Harry: *shoves a bezoar down his throat*

Ron: *starts to choke even more violently*

Harry: Whoops. *takes bezoar back out, takes the plastic wrapping off, and shoves it back in his mouth and clamps his teeth over it* Come on, Ron, breathe. *FINALLY LOOKS PANICKED*

Camera: *pans away from the two of them on the floor, which would've been really cool if they just cut away from that and went right to the hospital wing so you could actually have a bit of tension for the movie watchers as to whether or not he died. You know, like the book did. And unlike the fifth book where JKR went out of her way to say that Ron and Hermione were gonna survive, we had no such guarantees this time. I dunno about you, but I vaguely remember freaking out a lot before I went to the next chapter and saw he was fine*

Slughorn: …If Wiggle doesn't survive this Imma feel super guilty for the rest of my life and might even learn his name to remember him better.

Ron: *starts to cough and sit up* Hang on, *cough* got a stone someone found in a goat's stomach stuck in my throat, hang on a sec… *coughs some more*

Harry: *scrambles away to give him air, I guess*

Ron: I guess I'm convinced that that was an aftereffect of the love potion or something, because apparently I think some random girl tried to kill me again.

Harry: Well there goes all the dramatic tension out of that scene.

Ron: Yep. *falls back down again*

~And then he died for realzies. The end.~

Review or...you know, I was gonna threaten you all with date rape drugs, but that's just not right. So instead you will all be poisoned. Less than three!


	11. Teh HAHAHA LAVENDER'S HILARIOUS EXCEPT SHE'S TERRIBLE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Linkara, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Film Brain,Scooby Doo, Dragonball Z Abridged, Film Brain, yoneld, Nash, or Rifftrax.

~AND NOW WE ARE IN THE HOSPITAL WING. Still think it would've been better to fade out over Ron and Harry and fade back in here…~

Hermione and Ginny: As the women in this man's life, we are entitled to sit around his bedside in chairs.

Harry: And because I AM A MAYUN, I get to stand around because I can do that for more than two seconds without complaining about how swollen my ankles are or whatever girls do because I AM A MAYUN! *punches McGonagall as she walks past*

McGonagall: *rubbing arm* Why are Severus and I the only ones who actually look like wizards? And why in the name of Merlin's indoor pool are you still wearing the same damn outfit.

Dumbledore: Fuck you, that's why.

Slughorn: I'm still here, and I still have the poisonous booze.

Dumbledore: Good thing you apparently knew to use a bezoar, Harry. You must be very proud that your student did what you failed to do, Horace.

Slughorn: Please don't fire me for nearly allowing a student to die in my office practically by my own hand and not doing anything to stop it.

Dumbledore: Of course not, my dear old friend, of course not. Now if Mr. Weasley had died, I'm afraid you would've been put on probation, and even then only because Mr. Weasley is in fact a named character.

Snape: Shouldn't the boy's family be informed, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: No, no, trivial matters such as this don't need to get back to the parents.

Snape: …Sir, a student nearly died, and he'll be stuck in hospital for several weeks. I know you apparently didn't inform the families when the students were petrified four years ago, but I must insist—

Dumbledore: Oh would you go back to Potions already, Severus?

Snape: I'm teaching DADA this year, sir.

Dumbledore: Oh, right, considering the film never actually shows you teaching anything ever again I keep forgetting.

McGonagall: Obviously Potter's actions were heroic—

Harry: Do I get House Points, then?

McGonagall: House what now?

Harry: …Never mind…

McGonagall: What a strange boy…Anyway, why were they necessary?

Dumbledore: The House Points? They're not really at all necessary when you think about it, it's just a way to foster hatred between the Houses—

McGonagall: I meant Potter's heroic actions.

Harry: BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND WAS DYING, YOU DAFT DIMBO.

McGonagall: That's what I meant, why was Mr. Weasley poisoned and junk?

Dumbledore: I have no idea.

Harry: I'm actually not blaming Malfoy for once, though again, I would've been fucking right.

Dumbledore: I can haz poisonous booze?

Slughorn: Certainly, certainly.

Dumbledore: Cools. Pardon me, Severus…This has quite a bit of interesting wrapping paper, Horace. Do you remember who gave you this bottle?

Slughorn: Madam Rosmerta, but that's not important to anything at all ever.

Dumbledore: The poison smells like licorice and cherry. I'm never eating those in conjunction again. The booze just smells like booze. *hands booze to Snape*

Horace: Actually, I had intended to give it as a gift myself, and even asked Rosmerta to wrap it like that.

Dumbledore: O RLY?

Snape: *sniffs potion up overlarge nose* Oh great. Potter, got another bezoar on you?

Harry: Nope, sorry, Professor.

Snape: It's cool, it's cool. *collapses and commences writhing and frothing at the mouth and other various potted plants*

Slughorn: So I meant to give it to you, Headmaster, which is practically tantamount to admitting that I done it. Or at least I'd be the first and primary suspect in most murder mysteries, and since I'm the one who brought it up, had this been Scooby Doo, I really would've been the culprit.

McGonagall: That's nice. You all right, Severus?

Snape: Not really. *still dying on the floor*

Lavender: I'm still in the movie!

Everyone in the hospital wing: Oh joy.

Lavender: WHERE'S MY WON-WON. *shoves Slughorn out of the way and jumps over Snape's feebly twitching body* Has he been asking for me?

Hermione: He hasn't woke up once, I'm afraid.

Lavender: And what are you doing here?

Hermione: Because I care about him just as much as you do if not more. *stands up* Hey, I'm wearing pants. Cool.

Lavender: Ah, but you see, I'm his girlfriend at the moment, so I take precedent over lifelong friends and siblings.

Ginny: Fuck you, I ain't moving.

Hermione: Ah, but you see, I'm the woman that he eventually marries and has children with.

Lavender: Bullshit! You two haven't spoken in weeks, mainly because whenever you show up I grab him and drag him away! I suppose you want to make up with him now that he's nearly died and you're feeling regretful that you had that stupid fight because it pales in comparison to the fact that he nearly died so you want to make up for it now that you know he's going to live because it's just hammered in all of our mortality even more than the other deaths did for you and you'd never want him to die thinking you hated him!

Hermione: That's it exactly, yes. Also I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm saying all these things in front of my professors.

Ron: I'M SLIGHTLY REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS EXCEPT NOT REALLY.

Lavender: IT'S BECAUSE HE SENSES MY PRESENCE. WE ARE SO SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED RIGHT NOW.

Harry: Oh not this crap again.

Lavender: FOLLOW THE SOUND OF MY VOICE AND WAKE UP, MY BELOVED.

Ron: Can't, too busy saying Hermione's name in my sleep.

Hermione: Oh fuck yes.

Lavender: … *runs off crying*

Hermione: *sits on Ron's bed and takes his hand*

Snape: Ah, the sweet, sweet smell of blackmail material.

Harry: Stop saying what I'm thinking.

Dumbledore: I remember that one time I got dumped. It sucked a lot. Young Miss Brown and I are SO SPIRITUALLY—

Harry: I said stop that shit and I meant it.

Dumbledore: Oh you're no fun anymore.

Pomfrey: Hey I have a rather pertinent question! What does any of this have to do with anything? Seriously, aren't we trying to save the world from destruction by vaguely evil forces? When did the love life of Lavender Brown become so freaking important? Is the next plot point going to revolve around Professor Kettleburn's stamp collection?!

Dumbledore: …So yeah, we should probably—

Pomfrey: It just pisses me off, is all.

Dumbledore: …ANYWAY! Now let us all fuck off. Mr. Weasley's well tended, because evidently I'm delusional enough to believe that love is so powerful that it can even flush out the rest of the poison from one's body so they won't have to spend an additional several weeks confined to bed.

McGonagall: We gotta get you off those pills.

Ginny: B-But I don't wanna leave my youngest older brother!

Harry: And I don't want to leave the closest thing I have to a brother!

Dumbledore: Do it anyway.

Ginny: I don't like you very much.

Harry: And I…Oh I wish I knew how to quit you.

Dumbledore: That's nice. My hip hurts.

Snape: I HAVE MIRACULOUSLY RECOVERED. *leaves*

McGonagall: Well that was weird and pointless. *also leaves*

Slughorn: I AM STILL STANDING AROUND WITH A SHOCKED AND DEPRESSED LOOK ON MAH FACE.

Ginny: Still, about time they got together, eh, Harry?

Harry: No fucking shit, I've been waiting for this since…third year, maybe? Definitely fourth.

Ginny: Cool, I leave now.

Harry: Later, let me know if you break up with Dean.

Ginny: Nope!

Harry: Kay!

Pomfrey: I'm still in the movies for this one tiny throwaway scene here, bye!

Harry: And you're not gonna kick us out?

Pomfrey: Of course not, they'd actually have to pay me for a speaking role then, they can't do that!

Harry: Sweet.

Hermione: I got my love interest and you didn't, HA HA! You're the only one who's all alone!

Harry: Fuck you. Guess I should leave you two alone then?

Hermione: Please do.

Harry: Fine. *leaves*

Hermione: HE CHOSE ME, HE CHOSE ME! *dances on Ron's bed*

Ron: Oowwww…

~And then he dies for really realzies this time.~

Harry: Walking up the stairs, la-de-da-de-da…

Malfoy: Walking up different stairs. Also actually looking like a wizard since I am wearing robes.

Harry: WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.

~…Why are we taking so long to focus on Harry's face? Can…Can we stop now?~

Rifftrax: Harry's getting slightly suspicious of the ADMITTED SERVANT OF VOLDEMORT.

Malfoy: I AM WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR.

Harry: I AM FOLLOWING/STALKING HIM—Wait, what's with the giant-ass birdcage?

Black bird: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME WATER HOW THE FUCK AM I LIVING.

Malfoy: I am so high right now… *closes eyes*

Harry: *turns the corner and comes across a blank wall* All right, confirmation that he's been in the Room of Requirement this whole time! Now to just stay here till he comes out…Who am I kidding, I can't possibly do that, that would be halfway intelligent. *leaves to go be in the next scene he's in next chapter*

Malfoy: *whips off curtain rug thing again* And while this bird is taking a while to disappear and reappear, there's something I need to figure out…Huh, is this feather a symbol of my lost innocence or what? Meh, I'm sure Mr. Tweetums will be fine, there's nothing to worry about. Hey, a noise guess that means I don't need the incantation anymore, cool beans yo. *opens cabinet* Yep, gone. Now, as I take a freakishly long time to close the door, I have to wonder just why the hell I'm doing this, since I can really just require another way for the Death Eaters to come in. Hell, maybe I can require the Room to morph into an entirely new secret passageway, one that doesn't show up on any map of Hogwarts which doesn't exist anyway so I don't know why I'm bringing it up. Fuck, if I was really dead set on using the Vanishing Cabinet, I could require the Room to fix it for me or a set of instructions to fix it or whatever, this is all kind of dumb. Or I could just require Dumbledore in here so I could kill him or whatever…Come to think of it, why am I wasting all this time on getting Death Eaters to come here, are they supposed to keep the other teachers busy while I try to kill Dumbledore? I know most of them are psychopaths and I don't really want them killing all my friends which they might very well do if they invade. Are they supposed to drag Dumbledore out for me to kill them, what gives?

Borgin and Burke sign: I love rain.

Window: As do I.

Other window: Hey look, you can see the Vanishing Cabinet from here. And you can hear little bird noises coming out of it. Aaand apparently there's only a certain amount of time you can stay in a Vanishing Cabinet before you just get sent back to wherever you came from or something, which would suck if it was only a few seconds as this scene seems to imply.

Malfoy: Furthermore, why don't I just stalk Potter until he inevitably goes up to Dumbledore's office for one of his private lessons so I can learn the password, then sneak in when it's really late at night and find Dumbledore's bedroom, which I'm sure is attached to his office somehow, he's always wandering around in said office late at night wearing flamboyant pajamas. So I go in, smother him with a pillow or drip ear poison into his nostril, and leave before anyone but the many many portraits of old headmasters notice I've been there. IT WOULD'VE BEEN FOOLPROOF WHY AM I SO DUMB—Hey, the bird's back. And since I've beenrequiring this to work… *opens door*

White bird: And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!EXCLAMATION!POINT!

Malfoy: …Well this sucks.

Book readers: *are too busy searching frantically for the diadem again to pay any attention to Malfoy's muffled sobbing*

~But enough of that subplot, we need to wrap up the main Lavender plotline that's more central to the movie than anything else!~

Lavender: I WILL CUT YOUR NIPPLES OFF WITH THIS SPOON.

Ron: Well this is nice.

Audience: …A tiny bird just died, we have someone we thought was evil actually showing remorse for killing an innocent creature (or at the very least panicking that his family will be killed if he doesn't stop fucking up soon), and this is the scene we immediately cut to afterwards? This movie should be renamed Harry Potter and the Poorly Executed Mood Whiplashes.

Nash: Commit. You wanna do the drama? Do the drama. You can sprinkle in the humor as it develops from the situation, but…forcing it is like trying to drink a frog. It's certainly possible, but it requires special tools and a rare talent. Likewise the same for running with a comedy and trying to pitch in the drama. Decide what your story is before you get halfway through and think to yourself, "…Huh, lots of folks are dying here. You know what I need? MUSICAL NUMBER!" *facepalm*

Hermione: This is horrible, a five-year-old got ripped apart in a vicious werewolf attack and didn't make it. Things are getting worse and worse everyday—RON YOU'RE MAKING IT SNOW STOP IT THIS INSTANT OR WE MIGHT LOSE HOUSE POINTS.

Harry: Oh please, those haven't existed for like, three movies. *wipes snow off book belonging to the Title of the Movie, which we haven't heard about in hours, this has like nothing to do with anything, the Title of the Book should've been something more relevant as well, really…though at least the Title was actually fucking involved, that was nice while it lasted*

Ron: So I was unconscious at the time, what the hell happened again?

Harry: Ooooh, potentially awkward conversation time!

Dean: The House tables got crazily interrelated if you ask me, why else would I be chatting with a Ravenclaw over at the table Lavender's sitting at right now?

Hermione: Well, she came to molest you while you were in a coma, and you said something in your sleep. I don't think it was particularly flattering.

Dean: I'm laughing hysterically…while sitting next to Cormac. Huh. Thought I was a more decent guy than that, but there you go. Also have I broken up with Ginny or what?

Ron: Don't get me wrong, I am glad she stopped stifling me, it's just…I'm kind of scared that I'll wake up one morning to an envelope full of the severed fingers of my entire family or something.

Subtle Trio of Understatement: LET'S ALL TURN AROUND AND BLATANTLY STARE AT HER!

Lavender: *breaks table in half*

Hermione: …Yeah, I should probably be afraid for my life considering I sleep in the same room as her…

Harry: Okay, back to the book—

Hermione: So you're sure you don't remember anything?

Harry: Damn it, trying to read here!

Hermione: Aaaaanything ringing a bell?

Ron: Um…Well I was dreaming about the only person I've ever felt any kind of romantic, passionate feelings for and the only person I ever wanted to forge a relationship with and commit to it, possibly for the rest of my life…

Harry: Please confess and get this shit over with, please confess and get this shit over with…

Ron: But I can't admit to that right when the girl's right here, she probably doesn't feel the same about me anyhow.

Harry: Fuck my life.

Dean: *takes roll from McLaggen and hands it to the Ravenclaw he's talking to*

Hermione: …Right…Can't say anything about how you really feel…And considering I now know that you like me, basically, it should be my turn to actually tell you how I feel and junk, but instead I think I'll just be stupid and let you keep on being delusional about me and Harry.

Harry: Of course you are. *looks back at book*

Book: Sectumsempra is for enemies. Especially if you want to see them bleed.

Harry: Huh, wonder what that does…Eh, I'm sure it's harmless.

Hermione's eyebrows: Harry, stop being so focused on books and start paying attention to what's going on around you.

Ron: …Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger.

Hermione's eyebrows: Katie's back.

Harry: …Who?

Hermione's eyebrows: Katie Bell?

Harry: …Who?

Hermione's eyebrows: You've known her for six years? Chaser for your Quidditch team?

Harry: …Who?

Hermione's eyebrows: Levitated randomly in Hogsmeade and nearly died?

Harry: …Who?

Hermione's eyebrows: Your stalking of Malfoy increased exponentially afterward in your desperation to prove he's fucking evil?

Harry: Oh Katie, right!

Hermione: *facepalm*

Harry: *goes up to talk to her, but not before staring at the sectumsempra page again and taking his sweet-ass time to close the book and head over*

The table they were sitting at: *has Ron, Hermione, Parvati, Neville, Ginny, and Demelza*

The table next to them: *has Luna, Seamus, Cho (Cho Chang! How ya doin', Cho?), Romilda, Cormac, Dean, and that one Ravenclaw*

iheartmwpp: …Everyone all over the damn place.

Harry: Hi, Katie! I'm glad you're out of hospital, d'you think we'll be good for the rest of the Quidditch season that's not gonna happen? Bet you're anxious to get back on a broom again after all that time in St. Mungo's, eh?

Katie: Don't bullshit me, Harry, I know you only want to know about who cursed me.

Malfoy: Well that failed, hopefully there are still some rolls left and that Thomas Mudblood didn't eat them all…

Katie: Sorry, but I've got Laser Guided Amnesia and specifically that's the only thing I forget. Or maybe he got me from behind, who knows. Oh hai, guy who probably cursed me! *looks at someone behind Harry*

Malfoy: …Oh crap muffins.

Harry: Who you lookin' at—Oh hai Malfoy.

Malfoy: …Okay, there's every chance that she has no idea who did this to her. Think I'm just gonna incriminate myself as much as possible by running the fuck away. Laterz!

Random seventh year: Hey, Katie, I'm surprised you even bothered to come back to school like this. This is our NEWT year after all, and the professors have made all of us want to kill ourselves, I have no idea how you're going to catch up. You might as well stay back a year and not stress out about it too much. Look on the bright side, it's another year you'll get to play Quidditch assuming that the Death Eaters don't take over the school and try to quench the meaning out of our lives, but what are the chances of that happening?

Harry: Urge to stalk…rising…rising…RISING! *casually starts to walk after Malfoy*

Malfoy: I AM RUNNING AWAY.

Harry: I AM CASUALLY WALKING AFTER YOU oh fuck, a crowd of people, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Malfoy: Wow, I got up here fast. And now I can't breathe. *loosens tie* Better just go into the Room of Requirement and wait for things to die down…Or I could just go into this public restroom where anyone can walk in on me at any minute…In hindsight I probably should've just gone down to the common room… *goes into the bathroom and strips off his sweater vest for seemingly no reason*

Fangirls: Yes, and now your shirt…and preferably trousers…and then your underwear…

Malfoy: No.

Fangirls: Aww man!

Malfoy: *turns on water and starts breathing heavily while staring at his reflection, then splashes his face with water*

Harry: *walks in to the sound of Malfoy sobbing* Oh so you think that just because you're not drunk in half the shots you can act better than I can, do you? Also something about hexing one of my fellow Gryffindor Quidditch team members who I count as a friendly-friend.

iheartmwpp: You know, hexed is such a benign way of saying nearly killed—HOLY SHIT that was lightning. Jesus, the thunder is shaking the whole damn house, tell me it's raining at least…Of course it's not, it never rains. Oh wait, now it's raining. TIMING! *goes out kayaking*

Malfoy: *looks admittedly hot as fuck, and looks appropriately scared as hell and royally pissed off*

Harry: *looks lame, pathetic, bored, and drunk*

Malfoy: I throw a curse at you, sir!

Harry: Oh balls. *dodges, pulls out wand—NO NOT THAT WAND—and returns fire*

Malfoy: *dodges, Harry's spell which hits a sink*

Sink: This is probably the closes thing fangirls will ever get to Drarry. And it's them trying to violently kill each other. *dies*

Harry: *runs after him, dodges spell sent his way*

Women in the audience: So that's what the men's room looks like…OR DOES IT.

Harry: Damn it, he can see what I wanna do in the very blurry mirror that he probably can't make out from that far away. Maybe I should just run and grab a teacher…Or I could try to sneak under the stalls, either way. *tries to look under the stalls*

Malfoy: VICTORY IS MINE! *throws a spell at Harry from under the stalls*

Harry: See, this is why we should just have stall doors that go down to the floor!

iheartmwpp: And then they just shoot spells at each other and destroy half the bathroom. Also there's toilet and sink water all over the floor, so if one of them (Malfoy) were to trip and get all wet, it would be kinda hot.

Harry: Sectumsempra!

Malfoy: Ouchies! *starts bleeding to death*

iheartmwpp: Yep. Covered in water and blood in the middle of a bathroom. I can think of nothing sexier. See? I can admit Malfoy's hot as hell. He's still a douchebag, though, and therefore his personality makes him unattractive and I wouldn't want to associate with someone like him ever. And anyone who does has clearly never been bullied before in their lives.

Harry: …Did I just kill a man? No, those cries of agony must mean he's faking it! *keeps wand raised*

Malfoy: Nope, I'm actually dying.

Harry: Well poop. At least my book didn't get wet. And now to just stare down at him and pant heavily.

Malfoy: Look at all the blood flowing into the water. Remind me again how this is rated PG?

Harry: Because compared with the usual amount of gorn these days this is supremely tame?

Snape: I HAVE CONVENIENTLY ARRIVED!

Someone else: I have no idea who I am, but I am very clearly, blurrily, in the doorway.

Harry: Oh. Hey Snape.

Snape: Hey. You do this?

Harry: He was…totally not about to use the Cruciatus Curse on me in this version, we were just kinda shooting nonverbal spells that may or may not have been Stunners back and forth and I tried to use a spell that I got from a book…somewhere.

Snape: I'm going to stare at you, and probably a little at the book you're visibly carrying, and not do anything to help my dying student.

Harry: You do that. In the meantime, I'm going to behave like a true Gryffindor! Watch me run away from the scene! *runs away from the scene*

Whoever's still in the doorway…Seriously, who the hell is that guy?: You do that. *watches Harry run away from the scene*

Snape: Well that was cool. Hey, Draco, you feeling okay?

Malfoy: Yep! Seems he threw my nervous system out of whack, there! Can't quite feel the pain!

Snape: …

Malfoy: There it is. Ooooooowww…

Snape: Awesome. Now, considering I invented that bit of Dark Magic, I know how to heal it!

Malfoy: Sweet…Are you making the blood go back into my body or something?

Snape: Looks that way. It's a good way to clean off your shirt at the same time, let me tell you.

Malfoy: …So the toilet water's getting mixed into my bloodstream as well, then?

Snape: Oh undoubtedly.

Malfoy: …Great…

~No really, how did Snape know to come there without Myrtle? Because that was just ridiculously convenient.~

Review or Lavender will break all your furniture. With a spoon.


	12. Teh ARE THERE ANTS IN YOUR SQUIRREL?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Professional, Game of Thrones, The Kickassian War: Journals of the Actors in Kickassia, Lord of the Rings, Uncharted 3, Family Guy, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Marik's Let's Play of Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines, possibly Bleach, Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei, Nash, Silent Hill, Final Fantasy X-2, Naruto, Rifftrax, or any of the people that I know, love, and live in fear of.

~LOOK AT THAT COPY OF ADVANCED POTION MAKING. LOOK AT IT.~

Hermione: I told you s—

Ron: It wasn't appreciated last year, it ain't gonna be appreciated this year.

Hermione: But I was right—

Ron: And no one likes people who rub shit like this in their faces, Harry feels horrible enough as it is. Though it's pretty awesome that his entire profile's in shadow so we won't have to see him fail at acting once more.

Harry: …Am I trying to choke back a sob? What am I trying to go with here?

Ginny: I don't know, but I think I'm the only one who wants you to get rid of the book thing.

Hermione: Wha—I've wanted to get rid of it all year!

Ginny: Oh please, when's the last time Harry actually listened to you? So yeah, we hafta do this today and stuff. And now I'm just going to awkwardly look away so the camera can—HOLY FUCK I JUST APPARATED WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT WE COULDN'T DO THAT AT HOGWARTS I MUST BE REALLY SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME IS THIS THE HIDDEN TALENT THAT I SUPPOSEDLY POSSESS SINCE I'M THE FIRST WEASLEY GIRL IN GENERATIONS WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON HAAAAAAAARRYYYYY HAAAAAAARRYYYYYY WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME. Now take my hand, whoever I'm talking to offscreen.

Harry: …Okay, but I don't know how Dean's gonna feel about this—

Ginny: Oh would you forget about Dean already?

Harry: Easy for you to say, you don't have to sleep in the same room as him. Look, I'd really just feel better about the whole situation if you properly broke up with him, onscreen, so everyone knows it's over.

Ginny: Hmm, let me think about—no.

Harry: Damn it.

Ginny: Now back to taking my hand. We need to…erm, open the Room together.

Harry: I never had to hold hands with anyone before to open it—

Ginny: Do you want to hold hands with the girl you obviously fancy or not?

Harry: Of course I would, but I don't want to be that guy who goes behind his friend's back with the girl he is currently dating.

Ginny: I haven't got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit. *grabs Harry's hand*

Old junk: *exists*

Ginny: As I stare blankly around at everything…

Harry: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ramen whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa. Whoa. You're trying to tell me…That the corridor that we used most of last year that led to a door that had to materialize for us to get to it, which we presumably just went through…actually led to the Room of Requirement? I AM COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STRANGE TURN OF EVENTS.

Ginny: …Yep, I picked a smart one.

Harry: And Malfoy's been coming down here this whole time! I was totally stalking him this one time, and he disappeared right around here! He must've been using the Room of Requirement to do whatever Voldemort wanted him to do this year. I AM A GENIUS!

Ginny: Yeah, that's great, love. *drags him across the room* Now, let's actually do what we came here to do.

Harry: …Which was again?

Ginny: I required a room for us to hide the Title of the Movie's book in so no one would be able to find it or use it ever again.

Harry: …Thought you said you wanted to get rid of it.

Ginny: Well I figured that trying to flush it down the toilet again probably wouldn't work, though I'm not sure why I'm not advocating basilisk fangs, it would give us an excuse to pop by the Chamber and save a hell of a lot of time next year—

Harry: We were just in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room. Why not wait till the damn thing was lit later and just chuck the book in?

Ginny: …You want to advocate burning books to a largely book-loving audience.

Harry: So does Amazon, their book reading device thing is called a Kindle. Which is named for a word that is often associated with fiyah.

Ginny: We're hiding the book and that's final.

Harry: But why, it's gonna get consumed by Crabbe's crazy pyromania in two films anyway.

Ginny: No it isn't, it's gonna get consumed by Goyle's crazy pyromania.

Harry: THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THIS.

Ginny: Because I said so, now stop backtalking me or there won't be any dessert for you tonight, young man.

Filmmakers: If we don't focus on them walking aimlessly through the Room of Requirement, our viewers might not know that they're in the Room of Requirement!

Black bird: I AM FLAPPING MY WINGS.

Harry and Ginny: *look around before looking at each other* What was that, we ask flatly and lifelessly.

Vanishing Cabinet: Why does Draco insist on always draping a rug over me whenever he leaves again, I'm not cold!

Black bird: OH GOD PLEASE LET ME OUT, I HAFTA PEE REALLY BADLY.

Ginny: I AM FAR TOO TERRIFIED TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT COMPLETELY HARMLESS-LOOKING CABINET.

Harry: FEAR NOT, MY LOVE, FOR I SHALL DEFEND YOU FROM THE oddly familiar looking cabinet, I think I might've seen this somewhere before…Hmm, the rug that's covering it is the only thing in this entire room that doesn't seem all that dusty, interesting…

Ginny: *starts crying in fear*

Harry: Okay, I married a complete pansy—OMIGOD BIRD I JUST SHIT MYSELF.

Ginny: Hot.

Black bird: FREEDOM! Wait, why did Draco leave me in here, you'd think that if he wanted to test it out he would've stuck around until I came back.

Malfoy: Hey, I could still be here and hid when those two showed up, you don't know.

Ginny: See?

Harry: I do see that growing wet patch on your leg, yes.

Ginny: You never know what you'll find up here. Such as still living creatures like that who are able to live without any kind of food or fresh water source whose existence we will never question.

Harry: …Kay…?

Ginny: I'm ready for my close-up! Ooh, this is actually a rather nice track, very pretty. Okay, I'm going to take the book out of your mostly unresisting hand now. *takes book out of his mostly unresisting hand now*

Harry: *drooling* Daaaahh…

Ginny: All right, close your eyes while I hide the book.

Harry: Wait, while you hide—What was the point of taking me up here, then? You could've just taken the book and ran off and hid it on me and never told me where it was! Now at least I have a layout—No, not even that, I can just come in here and Summon it whenever I damn well want to! It's not a Horcrux, accio should still function! Your plan just fails completely!

Ginny: Shut up, I'm trying to be cute and romantic while I whisper for you to close your eyes again.

Harry: Everyone look at me for several hours as I just stand around with my eyes shut.

Book readers: Whatever, the camera will probably now start to follow Ginny around as she goes to hide the book near where the diadem is so we can get a good look at it even if Harry can't.

Camera: *totally doesn't do that*

Book readers: …Bu…Wha…How the fuck is anyone supposed to find the diadem in Film Eight if they don't get a glimpse of it now?!

Harry: Still standing here!

Audience: *trying desperately hard to stay awake and failing*

Harry: Probably gonna take a few hours for her to adequately hide it, this room is massive and if she really doesn't want me to find it she'll have a hell of a time testing different boxes to see if they're accio-proof…

Ginny: I'm sneaky, like a ninja. And now to finally prove that I'm a cheating bitch by blatantly snogging someone who is different from the guy who, for all intents and purposes, I am still romantically involved with. Remember kids! Be a cheating ho-bag, it's fun!

Harry: …Hold up, that didn't even take a full minute! What, did you just stash it on the nearest table under some boxes? You're really bad at this. Not to mention that I saw the direction you went off in, shouldn't take me more than a few minutes to find it—or five seconds considering I can Summon it.

Ginny: Did you forget the part where I'm snogging you?

Harry: Oh. Yeah, that is nice.

Ginny: That can stay hidden up here too, if you like.

Harry: Yes, I don't want Dean to murder me in my sleep. Or your six rather intimidating brothers, they can also wait.

Book readers: Sigh, definitely no more Quidditch, huh? Damn, at least that version of the kiss was spontaneous and unexpected…

Harry: *opens his eyes* HOLY SHIT SHE DISAPPARATED AGAIN HOW DOES SHE KEEP DOING THAT THERE ARE TWO BOOKS ON THE FLOOR ONE OF THEM IS PROBABLY THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE'S BOOK GINNY'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT AT THIS.

~Wonder how long he just stood there stupidly after she left…he's good at just standing around being unappealing and stupid-looking…~

Harry: I am walking around in a daze after the girl I liked kissed me. Which is my current excuse for walking around awkwardly with a blank expression on mah face.

Ron: So…did you, you know…do it?

Harry: …Wha-What?

Ron: Did she…help you out at all?

Harry: U-um, that is—

Ron: Was it…easier than you thought it would be?

Harry: Okay, that's a bit—

Ron: Were you just panicking over nothing?

Harry: L-Look, I don't know—

Ron: Did she…enjoy herself as well?

Harry: We didn't even—

Ron: Did you…know where to put it?

Harry: WE DID NOT HAVE SEX.

Ron: …Dude, I was just talking about hiding the book.

Harry: …Oh. Right, I knew that.

American audiences: RATED PG, EVERYONE!

Slughorn: Oh hey, it's that student who nearly died in my office while I did nothing and that other kid I'm trying to avoid! Imma walk away again now.

Ron: Still no luck with Slughorn, I take it?

Harry: Nope. He told me to contemplate the meaning of cream cheese. I have no idea what he's talking about.

Ron: Ah well, maybe one of these days you'll get lucky.

Harry: Here's hoping.

Ron: Fifty-seven was always my lucky number.

Harry: Random, but interesting.

Ron: Maybe if you wore your uncle's lucky socks?

Harry: Gave 'em to Dobby.

Ron: Oh. Well I'm sure you'll be able to get lucky somehow.

Harry: Maybe.

Ron: You should use that luck potion.

Harry: What're you trying to say?

~How did the wizarding world survive total annihilation again?~

Felix Felicis: I EXIST.

Harry: Huh, weird. *unstoppers it and drinks what looks like the entire damn thing*

Book readers: Oi, don't drink so much, how will your friends survive the battle at the end of the book?

Filmmakers: Oh you naïve sods, why would we include three battles three films in a row?

Book readers: No one complained during the Lord of the Rings movies, and besides, there'll be a movie in between this one and the last one to build up to the Final Battle anyway. THIS MOVIE'S BORING. NO MORE WACKY ANTICS. WE DEMAND BLOOD.

Filmmakers: Can't hear you, too busy setting up wacky antics.

Book readers: Why do we even bother coming to these things anymore.

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE WATCHING YOU DRINK.

Harry: As I slowly transform from Harry Potter into Daniel Radcliffe…

Hermione: Well? Did it work?

Harry: Your face is peeling off.

Ron: …Or he could just be tripping balls.

Harry: WHY ARE ALL THESE YELLOW FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE. *stands up*

Ron and Hermione: *also stand up*

Hermione's eyebrows: Don't forget, Slughorn usually eats four hours longer than Ron does, magically walks it off with his magical treadmill, skateboards on the rooftops of the castle, stalks several of his favorites behind really obvious bushes, and then returns to his office to do…Merlin knows what.

Harry: Right. I'm gonna cut off my ear to prevent World War II.

Ron: …Are we sure we gave him Liquid Luck, or did we just give him Fred and George's new Bat Country Brownie Mix?

Hermione: …Son of a fuck nut.

Harry: IMMA GO VISIT HAGRID. *grabs a jacket and starts to head out of the common room*

Hermione: *spoken slowly, as if to a small child* No, no Hagrid. Slughorn, Harry, Slughorn. We planned this, do you remember? Our plan?

Harry: *eyeroll* Hermione, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

Hermione: Holy shit, he really is tripping balls.

iheartmwpp: Emma looks ridiculously Hollywood Thin in that outfit.

Harry: Yeah, yeah, Slughorn's great and everything, but I barely remember Hagrid being in the movie at all, like, ever, and we haven't seen him in a while and I hate that we only go over there for plot-related crap anymore since he's a really close friend of ours and he used to be so important even in the films and since I think around the fourth one or so it's as though the filmmakers need to be constantly reminded that he exists and I just think that's really sad so I'm going to go down there and visit him and there's not a Goddamn thing you can do about it or I swear on Merlin's foxy boxes I will take your right arm and right leg and make a charming pasta salad. Got it?

Ron and Hermione: …Mummy.

Harry: Hey, don't worry about it, considering this is the liveliest I've been for this entire movie and I don't actually appear to be drunk for it so much as someone gave me a shitload of coffee, this shouldn't be as agonizing to watch as the rest of my scenes in this piece of ass!

Guys coming into the common room: Yeah, we seriously doubt that.

Harry: HI! *said in the happiest and peppiest voice he can*

Ron: *gigglesnort* Okay, that was pretty good.

Hermione: Here's hoping he doesn't fuck it up like he's been doing everything else recently…

~Fridge Logic! He's been behaving really oddly because it's a visual aide to show that he's actually grieving for Sirius. Oooor he could just suck at acting, either way.~

Greenhouses: Wait, we still have Herbology?!

Slughorn: Heh heh, I'm sneaky, like a ninja… *opens window* Oh how I love evil rapey tentacle plants, they produce the best weed…

Harry: *walking by* This just goes to show that if you have the right amount of determination, you can defeat any psychotic dog man with bones on their face with your magical sword and flowing cape of death.

Slughorn: I don't really know why I keep all my drugs in an Altoid box, that seems like kind of an obvious place to store drugs…SNIP.

Harry: *walks up to him* I want to dine on your lily pads.

Slughorn: *flinches violently, loses two fingers to Venomous Tentacula* Merlin's mating head bugs, Harry!

Harry: Oh, sorry about that, sir, but you are very naïve in the ways of cigar trees.

Slughorn: …Wha—

Harry: You probably feared I was Professor Sprout.

Slughorn: …Who the hell talks like that?

Harry: I can think with my brains in my teeth.

Slughorn: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING ILLEGAL.

Harry: Then why is a tree beating you at ninja skills? And what're you doing with those Tentacula leaves that're probably wicked expensive and shit?

Slughorn: I'm not sure if these things really are ten Galleons a leaf or if we're replacing unicorn tail hairs with said Tentacula leaves…Not that I would know any actual details of black market dealings, of course, I'm not shady in any way at all, obviously, I only steal valuable materials from my colleagues and stalk young children because that's what my interests happen to be.

Harry: MY HAIR EATS THINGS.

Slughorn: Why does this not surprise me.

Harry: Also these plants remind me of that tentacle porn I was nearly a part of in the lake two years ago. And the vine porn that Cedric and Ron were nearly in those other times. And all of the giant squid fanfiction. And a bit of Devil's Snare fanfiction iheart found one time. She still finds it difficult to sleep at night. *starts walking away*

Slughorn: *bangs his head on window* Oooww…So how the fuck did you manage to get outside when the entire castle is routinely patrolled alternatively by Aurors and Order members and presumably there's a shitton of other things going on and it's not like you have your Cloak or Map with you?

Harry: I ate the face of the door.

Slughorn: …I see…

Harry: I am once again off to Hagrid's in order to further the plot because it's not like he was my first friend EVAR and I'd never visit him just for the hell of visiting him, that's just retarded. *starts to walk away again*

Slughorn: Harry, you can't do that! Just who the hell do you think you are?

Harry: *turns back around* I am a squishy ball, sir.

Slughorn: That's nice for you, but it's nearly nightfall, as evidenced by the sun clearly still being up and probably not setting for another couple of hours! Surely you realize I can't allow such a small, powerless, insignificant child like yourself to go wandering around, completely defenseless aside from your wand which you can clearly wield with ease and precision!

Harry: Oh, and you think you're better protection? What're you gonna do if we get attacked, stand around and be useless again? And don't call me Shirley!

Slughorn: …I liked Crazy Harry better.

Harry: You seem to be trapped in my cornea.

Slughorn: Ah, there we go.

~Huh, the sun got covered by the clouds pretty quickly. And, once again, everything's so fucking brown, it's really ugly to look at.~

Harry: My eye pulses to the rhythm of your death.

iheartmwpp: …I do not remember that one at all, and yet it was in the archive. Raven, you been messin' with mah shit again?

Slughorn: *trying and failing to keep up with Harry* I demand that you accompany me back to the castle immediately! And I will not threaten to take House points or give you detention or anything else that might actually succeed in making you not be that much of a dumbass!

Harry: Your face is full of compassion. Therefore, I feel that I can shout my feelings at you. Umm…fear? Umm…confusion?

Slughorn: …What is wrong with you today.

Harry: I'M GIVING BIRTH LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY!

Slughorn: Oh dear.

Rifftrax: Aaand Remus Lupin eats him?

iheartmwpp: *falls off couch laughing* The fuck did that come from?! *struggles to get up but can't* That came out of nowhere!

Aragog: 'Ello, 'ello! I appear to be deaded.

Audience: OMFG FANG! Jesus, it's been a while!

Fang: …I was here when the train got here. You know, the last time you saw Hagrid.

Audience: OMFG HAGRID! Jesus, it's been a while!

Hagrid: *sniffling* Hi, Horace.

Slughorn: Hi, Hagrid—Merlin's itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polk-a-dot bikini, is that massive spider that's bigger than you some kind of magical creature?!

Harry: Hmm. This seems like a good time to AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *covers his hands with his eyes*

Slughorn: Okay, that was practically normal, can't you do better than that?

iheartmwpp: My teeth will guide me home as I'm wandering through the nighttime streets of Siberia.

Slughorn: …You seriously archived every single stupid thing Raven and those other crazy bastards ever said, didn't you.

iheartmwpp: Bludgeoning objects are good for bludgeoning, but not for hugging.

Harry: An important life lesson for all. *nods sagely*

Hagrid: I AM IN DESPAIR! THE DEATH OF MY OLDEST FRIEND HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!

Harry: Oh yeah, he's dead. Cool beans, yo.

Hagrid: …Yeh're kind of a dick, Harry.

Slughorn: Jesus dick-whittling Christ. I know you're half-giant and all, but how did you manage to murder that motherfucker? He doesn't look all that squished and I doubt there's a toilet big enough to flush him down, so how—

Hagrid: I jus' said he was me oldest friend, I'd never kill him! He died of old age, poor old sod.

Harry: I should be sympathizing since Hagrid's my oldest friend and I would be devastated if anything ever happened to him…but this asshole did try to have his children eat me and Ron that one time, so I don't feel too much sadness, I'm afraid.

Slughorn: Oh, sorry, I guess I didn't hear you the first time you shouted it.

Hagrid: Meh, I'm used ter people givin' me weird looks whenever I mention offhand tha' I raised an Acromantula from infancy an' started a massive colony in the Forest near an area where a bunch of small children're located, many of whom ignore the warnin's ter stay the fuck away from the damn Forest. 'S the eyes, I reckon, even though on most other spiders tha' aren' as big as this yeh can barely see their eyes anyway.

Harry: Actually, Ron was always freaked out by the way they moved, and iheart's got a problem with cobwebs. And I myself found out how much pincers suck during the book version of the third task. *makes pincer movement with fingers and clicking his tongue*

Audience: AHAHAHAHA THAT IS SO HILARIOUS HAGRID'S GRIEF IS AMAZINGLY COMICAL LET'S CONTINUE TO LAUGH AT HIS EMOTIONAL AGONY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hagrid: …Why're we friends again?

Slughorn: Hagrid, I don't mean to be insensitive—

Hagrid: —yet, sadly, accidental insensitivity occurs alarmin'ly often. Bes' ter say nothin' at all, my dear man.

Slughorn: …So anyway, Acromantula venom is really fucking rare and valuable and stuff. I can haz? I assure you I wouldn't sell it on the black market or anything and I seriously won't be using it in any potions that would be beneficial to either side, I just want to study it and shit.

Hagrid: *said in a choked voice, as if he's honestly gonna burst into tears at any moment, poor guy* Well it's not like he's gonna be poisonin' people in heaven, eh?

Harry: Pfft. Heaven. Right.

Hagrid: I can crush yer entire body with my pinky, yeh little shit, don' push me, not today.

Slughorn: …So I can haz?

Hagrid: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever.

Slughorn: Coolness. I always carry around an ampoule or two just in case I happen to run into a random dead magical creature and want to extract its fluids.

Hagrid: …Right then…Wait, yeh carry around the strongest Silent Hill healin' items? Those're super rare, how'd yeh even manage ter track 'em down?

Slughorn: …Ampoule as in small glass vial thing, the actual container that said healing item is contained in. They kind of gave it a stupid name when you think about it. *heads down near the pincers*

Harry: No! Don't do it! It'll look inappropriate! It'll look unprofessional! It'll look like a giant narwhal full of peanut butter!

Hagrid: Wish yeh could've seen him when he wasn' so fucked up an' dead. Beau'iful as a giant spider could be, he was.

Slughorn: I have no idea what I'm doing. *rips a pincer clean off*

Aragog: That definitely jostled a bit of my noggin.

Slughorn: I can't hear you, you're deaded. *climbs back up the hill* Want me to say a few words?

Hagrid: As long as it ain' tha' "A few words" bullshit Dumbledore keeps spoutin'.

Slughorn: …Balls. Okay, plan B.

Harry: Don't forget the caterpillar mutant keyhole's shark-infested ferret-like pumpkin Hobbit head. Oh, and it's eating your cephalopods.

Fang: I'll get right on that, thanks.

Slughorn: So did he have a family?

Harry: Oh yeah, me and Ron met them four years ago. Ron still has scream-awake night terrors from it and probably needs counseling, but his parents can't afford it, Bill and Charlie evidently don't care, and Fred and George think it's hilarious so they're not doing anything like the fuckheads that they are.

Hagrid: Wha' abou' Percy?

Harry: Who?

iheartmwpp: Hey cool, this music is actually really fitting, it's not forcing the humor of making fun of Hagrid for grieving over the loss of an old friend at all, it's just letting the hilarity play out naturally, it's awesome!

Slughorn: Their world was veiled in darkness, but now as monkey love blossoms and grows, a monkey-full future surely lies ahead. This is their home. They will protect it, now and always.

Harry: OMAHGOD I LOVE THAT GAME.

Hagrid: …Why.

~I fondle my toes over the rainbow.~

Review or Mommy won't let you watch violent cartoons after you hit Jimmy over the head with a shovel.


	13. Teh GETTING YOUR TEACHERS DRUNK IS FUN AND EASY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Lady Gaga, Starship, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or Rifftrax.

~Wow, they're singing about Odo. This is really good about the subtle little allusions to the source material. Just not to the actual main storyline.~

Harry: …I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. All I know is that I'm back to looking absolutely pathetic and being a horrible actor and shit.

Daniel Radcliffe on SNL: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me!

Slughorn: …and then they all died. And there was an eggplant. It sprouted WINGS!

Hagrid: *bursts into song* I'm beautiful in my way/'Cause God makes no mistakes/I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this waaaay!

Harry: *brushes away a tear* In all my life, I've never heard a more amazing singing voice. *gives Hagrid standing ovation*

Slughorn: I just had an odd fantasy of my eyes sucking up your house.

Hagrid: You're drunk.

Slughorn: NO I'M DRUNK!

Hagrid: So still ramblin' abou' how I firs' got Aragog, not tha' we're tellin' exactly where the egg came from, yeh'd think tha' some kind of interes' woulda been taken in exactly how a thirteen-year-old managed ter get hold of such a rare creature egg thin', but tha's not important right now. Anyway, he wasn' any bigger than a Pekingese, because I always compare things ter normal creatures like random dog breeds instead o' magical ones like kneazles or bowtruckles. Also the subtitles spelled Pekingese wrong, they forgot the g.

Audience: Hagrid doesn't sound drunk at all. It's also quite sad that he counts as a barely relevant minor character at this point.

Slughorn: Awww, baby spiders are adorable. Especially when you squash the fuck out of 'em.

Hagrid: Wait, wha'?

Slughorn: I HAD A FISH NAMED FRANCIS.

Hagrid: Coolio.

Slughorn: So I come downstairs one time, right, and instead of swimming around and pooping everywhere like he usually does, he was gone. A cat could've broken in and eaten him, in fact Minerva might've done so just to piss me off, or maybe it managed to jump out since we don't know what kind of fish it is and it died behind whatever the fishbowl was sitting on…or it could've just Disapparated. Or vanished. Whatever.

Luna: Oh yes, I've heard of those. They're called Prunglins, a type of fish that looks exactly like whatever kind of fish you had. Usually they're very loyal to their owners, unless said owners are unbelievably creepy. Then the Prunglins vanish once they can't take it anymore and reappear back in whatever freshwater area is closest, ready to be kidnapped by some random human once more and start the whole process over again.

Hagrid: …The fuck did yeh get in here.

Luna: I have no idea. *leaves*

Slughorn: So that fish was totally a metaphor for life. You're just living like you always do, and then suddenly you're not anymore. It's…kind of depressingly final when you think about it. I mean, obviously it's final, but…I don't know, you kind of expect more out of it.

Hagrid: Wow, that's deep.

Slughorn: POOF.

Hagrid: An' tha' put an end ter tha'. Though I'm supposedly drunk enough ter repeat yeh fer no reason.

Harry: Me also repeating after you is vaguely hilarious, in that it's awkward, has no purpose, and is all-around really stupid. Also I still can't act.

Hagrid: Tha's nice fer yeh. Imma take a little nap. *falls back against wall, hitting head so hard he now has a concussion*

Harry: Hee hee, we should probably keep a close eye on him for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours and make sure he doesn't die horribly in his sleep.

Slughorn: STORY TIME!

Harry: YAAAAY, I LOVE STORIES!

Slughorn: One day, the clock was ticking madly. The smiley sun realized he had to go arm wrestle some bitch, so he hurried to the tournament and won a cake!

Harry: Awesome.

Slughorn: It was a student who gave me Francis. I'm going to keep you in suspense about which student that was even though it should be painfully obvious. But yeah, she kind of left the bowl there on my desk. There was water in it, and floating on the surface was a flower petal. As I watched, it sank, which was weird, because it's a fucking flower petal, and they generally float. Before it hit the bottom, it transformed into a tiny little fish. A fish! A fishy…Oooooohhh!

Harry: You did love it so!

Slughorn: And it went…wherever I…did go! It was beautiful transfiguration, which is why I didn't believe it was actually your mother who made it at first as her non-Potions specialty was Charms, but whatever. The flower petal had come from a lily.

Harry: …Your point?

Slughorn: Your mother's name is Lily, as we've gone over several times in this movie alone so I'm just assuming that Viewers Are Morons.

Harry: Uh-huh?

Slughorn: …Or you're a moron. I'm saying your mother gave me Francis.

Harry: I don't follow you.

Slughorn: Though now that I think about it, did she place some kind of charm on the bowl so it would know when I came into my office so the show could begin, or was she hiding in a corner somewhere watching for when I came in so she could do it? OMIGOD SHE PICKED UP ALL MY STALKING TECHNIQUES. *sniff* I so pwoud!

Harry: I am so confused.

iheartmwpp: It's actually quite nice of the film to give us an actual example of what Lily had done during life, even Sirius and Remus only spoke of James in general terms with no specifics whatsoever. And of course Harry didn't ask for anything more even though we know he really wants to know about his parents and basks in any little detail given.

Slughorn: The day I came downstairs to a place that probably wasn't my office anymore since judging by the timeline I don't think I was teaching Potions anymore, the bowl was empty…it was the day your mother…We actually have a genuinely touching scene buried in this mess, what the fuck. Also I know you want the memory that Albus wanted. I don't wanna give it to you, since Albus would totally go public with the fact that I told The-Guy-Who-Would-Definitely-Liven-This-Bitch-Up how to become immortal.

Harry: Except for slight slurring at one point, I'm not completely horrible in this scene. If I was acting against someone who wasn't Jim Broadbent, I might actually be considered competent. So yeah, the night I survived and shit, I survived because of her. Because she sacrificed herself, specifically by refusing to step aside to let Voldemort butcher an infant.

Slughorn: I told you not to say the damn name around me!

Harry: You're a pussy. I am now going to get up and tell you something. It's super serious and you have to keep it super secret.

Slughorn: Oh my God you're pregnant.

Harry: No, it's something that others have only guessed at even though it's really friggin' obvious and how could it've been anything else.

Slughorn: Ah, so you're the Chosen One.

Harry: No, I'm the Chosen—HOLY FUCK, HOW DID YOU KNOW.

Slughorn: …Intuition.

Harry: …Right…So yeah, only I can destroy him and junk, but I need any and all information I can get in order to exploit his weaknesses so I can one day destroy him forever so that no one else will die and shit. At least not through murder. By him.

Slughorn: …But I don't wanna!

Harry: Merlin's Kill Your Family show, stop being such a pansy! Take a leaf out of your favorite student's book and be brave like my mother was!

Rifftrax: Push a baby out through your genitals!

Harry: If you don't, she will be very disappoint. If you don't, I'll probably die horribly because I wasn't given the information I needed for a change instead of others dying horribly because I didn't get the information I needed, which means Mum's sacrifice was for nothing.

Slughorn: Okay, I'm convinced—

Harry: If you don't, the bowl will remain empty. Forever.

Slughorn: …Huh? What, if I tell you what you need to know, you'll make me a new fishy-fish? Or are you saying if you kill He-Who-Cannot-Kill-Small-Children-So-Why-Are-We-Still-So-Worried-At-This-Point Lily will come back to life so her magic will be restored?

Harry: No, it's a metaphor.

Slughorn: …Of what, exactly?

Harry: If you help me out, you'll feel fulfilled and stuff and won't feel quite so useless as you did that one time you nearly let my best friend choke to death from poison in your own Potions office, and if you don't you'll feel empty inside.

Slughorn: But I'm drunk off my ass, and if you read the book you'd know I won't remember a damn thing in the morning so I won't be able to feel fulfilled or any of that crap.

Harry: …Just give me the damn memory.

Slughorn: … *reluctantly pulls out his wand—NO NOT THAT WAND* Please don't think I'm a giant sack of shit after you see it.

Harry: Not a problem, sir, I've thought that way for quite some time, I doubt this'll make it any worse.

Slughorn: Even though you've probably seen a crapload of other memories involving him—

Harry: Other than his actual memory from the diary? Just one other Dumbledore showed me.

Slughorn: …Oh. That seems kind of counterproductive.

Harry: Yep.

Slughorn: Anyway, I'm assuming you have absolutely no idea how persuasive he could be way back in the then. Kind of like how you're being right now, come to think of it.

Harry: Yeah, it's actually kind of cool how the visual medium isn't able to show how truly manipulative I'm being right now. But it's cool anyway, it's allowed if you're on the side of justice.

Slughorn: *pulls out memory and tries to put it in vial, but his hands are shaking too much*

Harry: *in another actual touching scene, steadies Slughorn's frail, old, trembling hand with his own. It probably would've worked better if he had steadier hands*

~JESUS, Dumbledore, warn us before you suddenly show up like that!~

Dumbledore: Imma pour this slime that came from Slughorn's brain into this bowl of goo.

Harry: …I ain't goin' in this time, make the camera do it.

Camera: Ah shit. *goes into the Pensieve*

Slughorn: *taps hourglass again*

Audience: Oh God, please don't go through the entire scene again—oh, they're skipping ahead. Awesome.

Riddle: I'm admitting to a person in a position of high authority that I broke the rules and went into the Restricted Section in the library without permission, though since I'm a prefect I guess I can get away with it anyway. So I came across something rather odd about a bit of rare magic, because obviously an object that you can store a part of your soul into is completely normal. I thought perhaps you could give me any extra advice that is available to you, even if it's just a theory you may have that I could run wild with and try to prove. It's called, as I understand it…a Horcrux.

Slughorn: …Well it's a common term for prostitute, but it's used far more often if it comes to light that a girl has slept with more than one guy or if she's cheated on someone, or even if she's just dated more than one man in her entire life even if she's still a virgin. As you can see, it's mostly used in conjunction with women since men can basically do whatever—

Riddle: Not whore, Horcrux.

Slughorn: …Damn, thought I could get out of that.

Riddle: I came across the term while reading, and even though at this point there's probably plenty of information since Dumbledore hasn't removed all the books about it since he's not headmaster yet, there are still a few blanks I'd like you to fill in for me.

Slughorn: The hell have you been reading, I didn't even know the Restricted Section held such vulgar tomes. I'll have to discuss this with Professor Dippet at once, such knowledge has no place within a school full of children. There's no way any sensible teacher would ever teach such a thing within this school.

Riddle: Which is…why I came to you.

Slughorn: Frankly I should be insulted and refuse to give you anymore information…Or I could totally tell you everything. A Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. It's actually when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else.

Riddle: Why would anybody ever want to do that?

Slughorn: Tom, if have a Horcrux, you can never truly die. Your body can be dead, but your soul can live on.

Riddle: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Slughorn: Oh not this shit again.

Riddle: *turns to stare into the fire* So exactly how does one split his soul, anyway?

Slughorn: Considering you're currently fiddling with the one that's on your finger, I'm assuming you know already.

Riddle: Oh, the murder?

Slughorn: Yeppers! Even though members of other species kill each other all the damn time in order to gain territory or for possession of food or to become the new leaders of a pack or a pride or whatever, humans are supposed to be better than that so it's kind of looked down on now. Unless you're in a war, then you get a medal for it. Human society is kind of dumb like that. Anyway, supposedly the act of killing another human in cold blood causes the soul to fracture slightly, and doing this makes it possible for the Horcrux to be created. And there are a few other steps that JKR is reluctant to put out, it's that vile of a process.

iheartmwpp: …Why did my fucked up brain immediately jump to necrophilia?

Riddle: One object seems a bit on the lazy side. What I really want to know is if you can do it more than once. Since the soul is an actual, physical object in this universe that looks like a tiny piece of glowing blue bubblegum, is it actually possible to crack it more than once? How about seven, that sound like a good number? *fiddles with Resurrection Stone that he already used to make a Horcrux out of the murder of his father*

Slughorn: Seven?! You mad, bro?! Hell no, not unless you plan to become a mad mass murderer or something! And besides, people will start to notice that shit's up if you're visibly losing important body parts and start advising you to lighten up on the plastic surgery a bit…Actually, it's kind of a bad idea to rip the soul at all, so maybe we should just forget about this whole conversation, m'kay? M'kay.

Riddle: Oh, no prob, especially since you didn't even answer my question, I'm just gonna continue trying to open the Chamber of Secrets so I can try again with this little diary I got once, see what happens when you split your soul in three, m'kay? M'kay.

Slughorn: …What dark forces have I unleashed?! DIRTY HANDS. DIRTY, DIRTY HANDS.

~WOW that was short this time comparatively.~

Review or a teenage Voldemort will manipulate you into talking about generically evil things with him.


	14. Teh YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY TELL ANY KIND OF THRILLING STORY AT ALL, YOU SHIT

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Spamalot, Assassin's Creed, Berserk Abridged,something really obscure that you'll get Holy Shit You're Awesome points for if you figure out what it is without Googling it, or Rifftrax.

~When we last left our brave heroes, they were swimming through brain sludge looking at images of old men alone with teenage boys. What the fuck am I doing with my life.~

Camera: *gasps for air* 'S hard to breathe in that crap.

Harry: Wait, did you stick your head in as well since this is the first time either of us saw it, sir?

Dumbledore: *raises hand to shut Harry up* I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND UNTIL I DID UNDERSTAND AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *goes to the little stairs thing* I need to sit down. I'm an old man, I have weak knees.

Harry: …

Dumbledore: So I figured he had more than one, but seven? This is gonna be a bitch.

Harry: …Wait, was the point of that memory supposed to be that Voldemort made a Horcrux?

Dumbledore: Has that damn potion worn of yet? He obviously made more than one, you fucking dumbass.

Harry: But what are they, exactly?

Dumbledore: DID YOU NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING MEMORY.

Harry: No, I meant what would his Horcruxes be?

Dumbledore: *gets up* Iunno, I'm working on figuring that out. Damn it, if only we spent more time analyzing other memories of Voldemort's life so we could see what he valued and what could be possible objects for him to store his soul in! Ah well, we got two already, and that's all that matters. I killed the ring, and you killed the book.

Harry: …I don't remember killing it that severely.

Dumbledore: Shut up, I'm trying to recap the ending of Book Two. So basically I've suspected it for about four years, but with everyone thinking Sirius was a murdering psychopath, the Tournament that kills young children that we insisted on continuing even after the rules were basically broken, and the bitch that I didn't just have killed or found any way to outsmart so she could get her bitch ass outta my castle, I haven't really found the time to act on any of this information till recently.

Harry: The ring's new, where did that come from?

Dumbledore: It passed down the Peverell line, but that's not important right now. It belonged to Voldemort's mother even though it actually belonged to his grandfather and eventually his uncle, but that's not important either. It was a bitch to track down, which is presumably what I was doing when Umbridge kicked me out last year. *raises blackened hand; you know, I keep forgetting he has problems with it since it really doesn't look as decaying and dead as I imagined it* Also it was a bitch to destroy. And that is the thrilling tale I promised you.

Harry: …Wasn't all that thrilling.

Dumbledore: Everyone's a critic.

Harry: But if we were to track all of the Horcruxes down and destroy them—

Dumbledore: Then Voldemort would be destroyed, yes. Or, you know, he'd be mortal again and you could kill him permanently after that, which is totally the same thing.

Harry: But how are we supposed to find them? We know nothing about where any of them could be since we know nothing about his childhood or early adult life! Damn it, if only we'd spent less time on the romantic comedy aspects of my life and spent more time trying to save the entire world/country from total annihilation!

Dumbledore: I have no idea what you're talking about. But the good thing about Horcruxes is that, when similar magics come together—

Harry: Imma poke the ring for no reason—OW MY FACE.

Ring: *bursts into song* I am not dead yet/I can dance and I can sing/I am not dead yet/I can do the highland fling…

Nagini: Ohayou gozaimasu.

Teenage Riddle: I HAVE AN OWIE.

ROCKS!: *exist*

Child Riddle: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Photograph of cave thing: HEY. MAYBE ONE USED TO BE LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THIS VICINITY. JUST A SUGGESTION.

Voldemort: This is the only time I'm appearing in this movie. Which might be a part of why it's boring as fuck.

Ring: Hopefully me coming briefly back to life is just a sign that the Stone's still working and not that the soul isn't entirely dead. Because, quite frankly, it totally should be and this should no be happening.

Dumbledore: Huh. That was weird.

Harry: Oh crap, my neck hurts again.

iheartmwpp: OH GOD WHY. *cracks neck* This should not be making these kinds of sounds…

Dumbledore: …So yeah, when similar magics come together, they often create some kind of obvious reaction. It's almost as if you yourself are a Horcrux.

Harry: …That never happened with the diary, though, I could touch it just fine even when it was a fully functioning Horcrux and my scar didn't hurt at all, there was no reaction except for the strange feeling of being reunited with a friend that developed slowly over time and might not actually have anything to do with me also being a Horcrux since Ginny was caught in the same trap as well. I just hope the filmmakers aren't trying to make me develop some kind of Spidey Sense at the last minute to salvage what they've spent the entire movie slowly fucking up…

Dumbledore: Don't mind me, I'm just standing in front of you and staring intently at you as if I've just realized the possibility of you being a Horcrux even though I've held that suspicion for the past four years and if anything this just outright confirms it.

Harry: …So when you've been travelling, this is what you were doing at the time? Trying to find the Horcruxes?

Dumbledore: Merlin's ruptured kidneys, you're slow on the uptake. And I think perhaps I may have found another, as my eyes flicker up to your scar, but ignore that. But this time I don't wanna go alone, it's dark and scary and shit. Once again, I must ask too much of you, Harry.

Harry: Wait, you want to put me in grave danger just like every other school year thus far, but this time you're actually giving me a choice whether I can go or not?

Dumbledore: Not really, I'm kind of implying that you have no choice again.

Harry: No you're not, because you're asking me as opposed to outright ordering me. Also in the book I asked you, and you had to think it over for a bit before agreeing.

Dumbledore: Look, are you coming or what?

Harry: Well duh, it's the closest thing we get to an exciting climax this film since we stupidly cut the awesome battle crap, I have to come!

Dumbledore: Awesome.

~Way to make it really fucking obvious to even the most clueless of movie watchers that Harry's a Horcrux. Um, suspense? Not ruining everything for everyone? We can haz?~

Ron: I'm just standing out here, marveling at how this movie has barely any color whatsoever. I almost want to go on a continuous camping trip next year, at least then we'll see some greens and blues and crap.

Harry: That's cool. I'm just standing around in our dorm room, noticing how I am once again wearing the same T-shirt that I wore at the beginning and end of the previous movie. Was I wearing it during the Shrieking Shack scene in the third one as well? I need a new fucking shirt or something. Or I could wear the school uniform again once in a while, remind people that we are in fact in a school, and a magical one at that…Naaaah.

Hermione: *comes up the stairs, glancing at Ron before coming into the boys' dorm, which again, girls can do at will with no consequences* It's time, Harry.

Harry: …For what?

Hermione: …Time to do that thing with Dumbledore and crap?

Harry: …Why don't we use owls anymore to relay messages? What was with Dumbledore sending random kids, usually girls, around to do his bidding?

Hermione: Dumbledore's a sexist asshole, I don't know, now let's go!

~And they were silent until they got to the cloisters. Because that makes sense.~

Harry: Hermione, is the Room of Requirement Unplottable?

Hermione: Possibly, if you require it to be so, but I doubt that anyone besides us knew that there was a map of Hogwarts anyway…Wait, Hogwarts is Unplottable, how did the Marauders make a map of it to begin with?

Ron: Unplottable means that you can't put something on a map, right? That doesn't mean you can't actually make a map of the thing itself. Besides, it's almost more of a massive building plan anyway.

Hermione: …That was clever, Ron.

Ron: It's been known to happen.

Hermione: Also considering the Room can change size at will it would be kind of hard to include on the Map anyway, wouldn't it?

Ron: Considering Sirius didn't immediately suggest it to use as a place to train the DA in the book, I kind of doubt they knew about it…Hang on a sec, speaking of Book Five, you were using the Map to make sure people made it back to their dorms safely! Shouldn't you know this for yourself from experience already?

Harry: I'm not that observant.

Hermione: …You're one of the most observant people in the entire series, barring you being absolutely clueless about the opposite sex.

Ron: Why do you want to know if the Room was Unplottable, anyway?

Harry: If the Room wasn't on the Map than that would explain where Malfoy is when he isn't on the Map.

Ron: …Do you have a cold?

Harry: Bit drunk.

Ron: Ah.

Hermione: Oh yeah, you saw a Vanishing Cabinet in there when you were with Ginny, didn't you?

Harry: Yep.

Ron: I just got an owl from Dad this morning, and somehow he slipped in a message about a shop in Knockturn Alley and what it was selling without being suspicious, which is totally possible in this time of war where all our messages are being checked and crap. But he said the Vanishing Cabinet was still there, because I guess he just psychically knew that I'd need to know so I could tell you.

Harry: I'm telling you, I saw one in the Room of Requirement! Come on, there can't be only one in the entire universe, Mr. Weasley decidedly implied that there was more than one in existence!

Slytherin twins: We are looking at something. And seem to be the only people in the castle wearing robes. Also we still could've easily just been the Patil twins, they've at least been established in canon.

Harry: …What if there are two Vanishing Cabinets?

Hermione: …You just said that there couldn't be only one.

Harry: Still a bit drunk.

Hermione: Okay. So what if there are?

Harry: Hmm…Vanishing Cabinets transport people somewhere else…and there's one in the Room of Requirement…which is in Hogwarts…and there's another one in London…I don't know, you figure it out while I'm gone, you're the one with the brains!

Ron: *stops with Hermione* So yeah, good luck, mate.

Harry: Pfft, I don't need luck, I'll be with Dumbledore.

Ron: …The same guy who left you at the Dursleys and presumably didn't check on you at all, threw you into a trophy case, refused to let anyone tell you anything useful and in doing so basically caused the death of your godfather, and is now decidedly old and infirmed and senile and stuff?

Harry: Exactly, I'll be fine.

Filch: *has a tiny little bell tied around his neck*

Students: Aww, come on, it's still daylight! *reluctantly get up and start heading back to the common rooms*

~Weird how most of the deleted scenes take place around the end of the movie this time around, we've got like FIVE or so to go after that one.~

Snape: Have you ever considered that some of your orders are completely idiotic and you are practically intentionally sending people along to their deaths? What if we all stopped listening to you, what would happen to you then?

Dumbledore: What's your point?

Snape: *whines* I don't wanna do this anymore! *stamps foot*

Dumbledore: Oh stop being such a big baby.

Snape: Such a…We are talking about murder here!

Dumbledore: I don't care. You're doing this and that's final.

Snape: But I—

Dumbledore: Do it or you're not getting that Xbox 360 or any of the Assassin's Creed games I promised you.

Snape: …PS3 has a built-in Blu-Ray player—

Dumbledore: Fine, PS3, whatever, you're not getting anything if you don't do your damn job.

Snape: …Well all right.

Book readers: Can you make it any more obvious that Snape's on our side. I mean sure that conversation happened in the book as well, but way earlier where it could've meant anything, not hours before the event would actually take place.

Snape: Still…Headmaster, do you really think it's wise to leave this place practically unguarded except for a handful of Aurors and absolutely no members of the Order whatsoever or even the staff by the look of it?

Dumbledore: No, Snape, I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore. Why, here I am, alive and well today, and I could…very well be killed by you later tonight.

Snape: …Why that's absurd. *leaves*

Harry: That was oddly specific…

Snape: Oh hey Potter.

Harry: …Hey, Snape.

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: …

Owl: *flies by*

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …

Snape: … *leaves for realzies*

Dumbledore: I AM STANDING AND STARING AT THE SKY FOR NO REASON.

Harry: I am going to stop several feet behind you and just stare at you awkwardly.

Dumbledore: *turns around* Oh, Harry, sorry, I didn't see you standing there and being a worse actor than me, I apologize. Also you need a shave.

Harry: What? The make-up artists should've got that already, how could they miss that?! Also I just saw Snape heading down—

Dumbledore: Professor Snape, Harry.

Harry: Whatever, what was up with him?

Dumbledore: Oh don't mind him, Harry. He's just…

Harry: A ridiculously huge asshole?

Dumbledore: I was going to put it euphemistically, but fair enough. *nostalgic smile* You know, at times, I forget how adoragable you used to be, and wonder what the hell happened. At times I still see the small boy I made suffer horrendous child abuse.

Rifftrax: From the first movie, released in 1964.

Dumbledore: I AM REALLY FUCKING OLD.

Harry: You still look the same to me, sir, which is a complete lie considering you look absolutely nothing like you did in my first two years at Hogwarts. Though…Did you really know about the cupboard and just leave me there anyway?

Dumbledore: There's a possibility.

Harry: …I don't think I like you anymore.

Dumbledore: Your mother was very kind, which is of course the only trait a female character is allowed to possess which is why it's usually the only one people ever give her. You'll have to go to Slughorn to find out how funny, argumentative, and inventive she was, because the rest of us sure as hell won't tell you.

Harry: Awesome.

Dumbledore: Now how much have you had to drink so far tonight, Harry?

Harry: Only a few pints, sir.

Dumbledore: Have a few more before we go, since we'll be there a while and I want to be seen as the better actor for once.

Harry: No problem there, sir.

Dumbledore: Also something about it being extremely dangerous, because you've never faced any kind of danger before in your life.

Harry: Of course not, what's Voldemort or a basilisk or a werewolf or dementors or Voldemort or his Death Eaters or Umbridge or fucking Voldemort compared to a few zombies?

Dumbledore: Exactly. I said you could come with me, and because I like putting small children in danger I'm still gonna do so, but you have to do something for me in return.

Harry: I am not going to sleep with Slughorn, how many times do I have to tell you—

Dumbledore: No, you just have to obey every single command I give you without question or hesitation.

Harry: …O…kay?

Dumbledore: No, seriously, every order must be followed no matter how absurd it sounds. I tell you to hide, you hide. I tell you to run, you run. I tell you to kill me, kill me. I tell you to kill other people, kill other people. I tell you to jump, don't ask how high, just fucking jump. I tell you to sleep with Slughorn you will sleep with Slughorn.

Harry: …Suddenly I'm not so sure about this—

Dumbledore: In fact, let's make it simpler for you. Just don't do a Goddamn thing without my permission again, how about that? And yes, that includes breathing.

Harry: …Permission to breathe, sir?

Dumbledore: No.

Harry: …

Dumbledore: Do I have your word?

Harry: …Tralfaz.

Dumbledore: Excellent. Take my arm.

Harry: Sir, I thought you couldn't Apparate inside of Hogwarts.

Dumbledore: You can't, but who cares about continuity, anyway?

Harry: Tru dat, yo. *grabs his arm, they Disapparate, and there's a shot of the outside of the tower for no reason*

~They really should've taken Fawkes with them or something.~

Review or, though there you are, alive and well today, you could very well be killed by Snape tomorrow.


	15. Teh YOU KNOW, I THINK HE WANTS WATER

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, that one "I'm on a Boat" song, A Song of Ice and Fire, Pokémon 'Bridged, Lord of the Rings, Airplane!, Linkara, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, that one crossover review of the Wonder Woman pilot, The Little Mermaid, Code MENT, I forget which Marx Brothers movie, the Grateful Dead, or Rifftrax.

~Excellent. Two of my least favorite actors from these films share an incredibly long scene together. This is going to be such a joy to watch.~

Ocean waves: WE ARE CRASHING MENACINGLY.

Dumbledore: *bursts into…rap* I'M ON A ROCK/I'M ON A ROCK/EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME/'CAUSE I'M STANDING ON A ROCK.

Harry: This is gonna be fun, I can tell right now.

Opening in side of cliff: *doesn't look suggestive at all*

Harry: …Hold up, are you suggesting we swim across that?

Dumbledore: Yep!

Harry: …Sir, there's something you should know.

Dumbledore: And what is that, my dear boy?

Harry: Well, it's just…the Dursleys never taught me how to swim, sir. It was gillyweed that kept me from dying during the second task, but largely I had no idea what I was doing. I know the books make it seem like I just magically gained the knowledge out of nowhere, but even for a series that's based around magic that's probably beyond the realm of possibility…Why are we all the way out on this rock, anyway? Why couldn't we just have Apparated onto a ledge that was attached to the actual cliff near the cave entrance like in the book, or why couldn't we Apparate to the top of the cliff and lower ourselves down with magic or something?

Dumbledore: Hee hee, it looks like a vagina.

Harry: Oh dear.

Dumbledore: AND NOW WE'RE INSIDE THE CAVE. And no, we couldn't have Apparated inside, some kind of enchantment or some bullshit.

Harry: Thought being you had its privileges.

Dumbledore: Quiet, you. Also yeah, this is totally the place we hoped it was. Oh yes. Oh, yes, yes, God, YES—

Harry: I will chop off your manhood and feed it to the goats if you don't stop that this instant.

Dumbledore: There aren't any goats here.

Harry: I'll make do!

Dumbledore: …So anyway, this place has known magic. I can tell by fondling the side of the cave wall. *fondles side of cave wall*

Harry: …You did not seriously drag me here to watch an old guy molest a wall.

Dumbledore: The vibrations from these cave echoes are making my nipples lactate. Who's thirsty? I know I am!

Harry: …I would give almost anything to be back at Hogwarts right now.

Dumbledore: This one time, Tom Riddle lured two random orphans down here, and he tortured them horribly. You're standing right where he did it!

Harry: I AM STANDING HERE AWKWARDLY.

Dumbledore: Yep, those kids sure were fucked up afterwards. I haz a knife. And it seriously looks like I took it from the wall itself. STAB. *stabs*

Harry: Sir! If you really did take it out of the wall, that's gotta be hella unsanitary!

Dumbledore: The wall wants blood, what do you want? The way to gain entrance is intended to weaken whoever wants to come in, and as we all know, paper cuts are the most annoyingly painful of all injuries, it can distract people for days with its constant stabbings of agony.

Harry: …That's not a paper cut, it's a knife wound.

Dumbledore: Yeah, but the wound I made was about as small as a paper cut, so whatever.

Harry: You should've let me, sir, I'm way healthier—

Dumbledore: I'm not a drunken asshole.

Harry: …Touché.

Dumbledore: Also something about your blood being more valuable or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. *waves hand and wall crumbles away ofscreen as the camera focuses on Dumbledore and Harry staring blankly at where the wall used to be*

Cave opening: I ARE SHINY AND CRYSTAL AND STUFF.

Dumbledore: Voldemort will not have made it easy to discover his hiding place.

Harry: I'm sure that would've had much greater impact had we not already discovered his hiding place and are wandering through it as we speak.

Dumbledore: It's probably covered in traps and crap.

Harry: Oh brilliant.

Dumbledore: Do not disturb the water.

Harry: M'kay.

Dumbledore: *throws light into the cave. Because lumos totally works like that*

Light: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Rifftrax: …Well, that's all I had, Harry, let's bounce.

Harry: …Why is everything black and white now? Can we go back to Films One, Two, and Four again, that'd be great.

Light: I HAVE LANDED ON A THINGY.

Dumbledore: THERE IT IS. *points at light*

Harry: You mean the thingy the light landed on that's the only thingy in the lake thingy would actually be an important thingy? I DID NOT EXPECT THAT except I totally expected that and it's almost too obvious, Voldemort should've embedded the Horcrux somewhere on the side of the wall or something and just set whatever's in the middle as a decoy or something, that would've been smarter.

Dumbledore: Now then, how do we get over there?

Harry: Apparate?

Dumbledore: What? That's stupid, you're stupid!

Harry: Hate to repeat a line, but you said being you had its privileges.

Dumbledore: I AM WALKING. And I just kicked a rock into the water.

Harry: HOLY SHIT. *ducks for cover*

Dumbledore: …The hell's the matter with you?

Harry: …You said not to disturb the water.

Dumbledore: Uh-huh…?

Harry: …Forget it, just keep your hand extended out in front of you like an idiot.

Water: I AM DISTURBED.

Chain: WHEEEEEEE!

Dumbledore: Grab.

Harry: …How did you do that.

Dumbledore: Probably a variation of a nonverbal Summoning or something.

Harry: Well fuck all this, then! Accio Horcrux!

Horcrux: *totally doesn't come*

Dumbledore: You're an idiot. Here, pull on this.

Harry: …Did you just drag me along for the menial labor?

Dumbledore: YEPPERS!

Harry: Hopefully we Apparate back to the Astronomy tower once we're done here so I can push you off. *pulls up boat*

BOAT!: *exists*

Shadowy thing in the water: *is a shadowy thing in the water*

Dumbledore: …AND NOW WE ARE INEXPLICABLY IN THE BOAT AND WELL ON OUR WAY TO THE THINGY IN THE CENTER HOORAY I hate jump cuts.

Harry: Somehow I don't think it's that smart to be riding in a boat that we found at the bottom of the water.

Dumbledore: Stop saying things that make sense.

Harry: …Sir, I've been wondering. Once we actually get to the Horcrux, how are we going to destroy it?

Dumbledore: Oh we'll worry about that later, Harry. The real trial right now is merely getting to it.

Harry: …But you keep saying that it's super dangerous and you implied that you might die and that I'd have to run for it and leave you to your death. If you die, how will I know how to destroy it?

Dumbledore: All these silly concerns can wait for when we get back to Hogwarts, I'm sure.

Harry: …You're kind of a dumbass who never thinks ahead.

Dumbledore: It sure seems that way, doesn't it.

Harry: *not even bothering to look over the side of the boat in this version but I want to include it anyway* There are dead things. Dead faces in the water!

Dumbledore: Yep, nothing's original anymore, best learn to manipulate what's already out there in as unique a manner as possible. Also we're here. *gets out*

Harry: WELL THAT WAS QUICK! *also gets out*

Dumbledore: …This slightly hollowed-out square quartz thing is not the round stone bowl on a pedestal I was expecting…

Harry: DO YOU THINK THE HORCRUX IS IN THIS REALLY OBVIOUS LOCATION?!

Dumbledore: Uh-huh. *pokes at potion*

Leslie Nielson: I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you.

Dumbledore: *stares at seashell* IMMA DRINK IT.

Harry: …Isn't it some type of poison?

Dumbledore: IMMA DRINK IT. And no matter how horrid it is, you have got to make me keep drinking it, even if I beg for the sweet release of death. Don't listen to me when I ask any of this, just keep forcing the deadly poison down my throat.

Harry: …But you told me to obey every order without question.

Dumbledore: Ignore that in favor of this one order to make me keep drinking no matter what.

Harry: Why can't I drink it, sir?

Dumbledore: Wait, you want to get poisoned?

Harry: Not particularly, but—

Dumbledore: Well there you are then.

Harry: But I'd rather do it than watch you suffer!

Dumbledore: Harry, I'm well over a hundred years old, I've lived my life with only a few major regrets that I'll probably end up living through again tonight, and even if this doesn't kill me Severus will soon enough, I'm sure of it. I'm ready to die, and you've got to wait another year at least before walking to yours, do you understand me?

Harry: …I suppose—

Dumbledore: I am so much smarter than you will ever be.

Harry: …You know what? Go ahead and drink it, I ain't stopping you no more.

Dumbledore: *raises empty shell at him* Your eventual death that I've been planning out to ensure Voldemort's own demise, Harry.

Harry: …AWESOME.

Dumbledore: *dips shell into potion, never once attempting to just dump the contents over the side*

Harry: *never once attempts to knock the shell unexpectedly from Dumbledore's hand to see if the contents could be rid of that way*

Dumbledore: *drinks what little he managed to scoop up, making sure whatever he didn't drink dribbles back into the place they're trying to get the potion out of. What a smart guy* …Okay, this sucks.

Harry: You okay?

Dumbledore: I am trembling violently, appear to be in great pain, and am collapsing to the ground a good ten feet away from where I started. HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING.

Harry: So you're not okay, then?

Dumbledore: The make-up work is pretty good here, I look well and truly fucked up.

Harry: Oh right, I'm supposed to keep poisoning you. *grabs shell, fills it with more poison, takes it to Dumbledore, forces him to drink it, and then gets more*

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Do it anyway. *gets more, comes back*

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Do it anyway. *gets more, comes back*

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Do it anyway. *gets more, comes back*

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Do it anyway. *gets more, comes back*

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Do it anyway. *gets more, comes back*

iheartmwpp: *yawns* Yeah, this scene…I don't care about these two actors. I barely care about these two characters. I feel nothing about this scene whatsoever. At least during the Burrow scene I could get righteously pissed off at all the obvious fuck-ups and blatant betrayals of the fanbase, but here…

Linkara: I could care less about this. Oh no, I did not misspeak. I could honestly care less about what's going on. Would you like to see me care less about this? *snaps* BOOM! I now care less.

Dumbledore: I WANNA DIE!

Harry: That's nice for you, sir. *goes back up to get more*

Light: Don't mind me, just coasting along, la de da…

Dumbledore: I think I'm flashing back to that one time Arianna dieded, which probably happened by my hand. Good times, good times…

Harry: Think we got one more mouthful to go, and then I'll end it all for you, okay?

Dumbledore: You'll really kill me?

Harry: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Dumbledore: I can see your fingers crossed behind your back.

Harry: …Just drink the damn poison.

Dumbledore: EPIC POUTING MANEUVER.

Harry: Come on, gotta get the Quaffle through the hoop, come on now, here comes the Quaffle!

Dumbledore: You're really bad at this.

Harry: Does Uncle Harry have to get the crowbar?

Dumbledore: …I don't like the crowbar.

Harry: Then who's gonna open his mouth for me?

Dumbledore: …I am.

Harry: That's right, you are, yes you are!

Dumbledore: *reluctantly opens mouth*

Harry: *shoves shell in mouth* You look different now.

Dumbledore: …I appear to be back to normal. FOR NO REASON.

Harry: Random, but cool.

Dumbledore: HI HARRY.

Harry: HI PROFESSOR.

Dumbledore: Observe as I ask for water while not sounding desperate at all.

Harry: Water?

Dumbledore: Water.

Harry: …Water.

Dumbledore: *nods* Water.

Harry: …So water?

Dumbledore: YES WATER.

Harry: OKAY. *goes to get more poison* Huh, thought we had one shellful of poison to go, otherwise I would've grabbed the Horcrux last time, but whatever. *picks up fake Horcrux* WOW this is tacky, hope the real one's prettier.

Dumbledore: Still waiting on that water. Also the light's starting to go out.

Harry: That's nice. Aguamenti. *water appears in basin thing* …Okay, why is the shell not scooping it up? Huh, think I'll try using aguamenti inside the shell itself next…OR I COULD GO DOWN TO THE ACTUAL LAKE ITSELF AND GET WATER FROM THE PLACE THAT MUST NOT BE DISTURBED. Hmm…WHEEEEEEEEE!

Audience: …So why isn't attempting to stick his wand down Dumbledore's throat—not that wand, you sick fucks!—and tried using Aguamenti that way?

Harry: Me wizard, me dumb. And speaking of me being dumb, why did I put my wand out? Eh, whatever, this floating light'll work just fine. *dips shell in water, light under the water and it's suddenly all dark and stuff again because I guess the water smothered the light or some crap* …Okay, time to take my wand back out, I guess. Lumos…So nothing's happened, and I just got a shellful of water for Dumbledore. TIME TO STICK THE SHELL BACK IN THE WATER.

Dumbledore: Should've dragged along someone smarter.

Inferius: *grabs Harry's arm* Here's your jump scare for the movie!

Harry (and Audience): PANTS TO BE DARKENED.

Camera: *goes through several different jump cuts of Harry freaking out and breathing heavily in a row for no adequately explored reason*

Inferi: *burst into song* Under the sea/Under the sea/Darling it's better/Down where it's wetter/Take it from meeeeee…

Harry: I don't want to take it from you, I don't want to take anything from you! Lumos maxima! Ohhhh, that's what that thing I learned illegally the summer of my third year that I never actually used at all during that year is supposed to do, cool.

Inferi: Hi, everybody, we're…cold and wet and deaded.

Movie watchers: Oh great, naked zombies.

Book readers: They're called Inferi.

Movie watchers: Uh-huh. They're zombies.

Book readers: …Yeeeaaahhh…

US rating people: Rated PG, everyone!

Audience: …Why.

US rating people: WE DON'T KNOW.

Dumbledore: Still waiting on that water, Harry.

Harry: Stupefy! Little busy, here, Professor! Sectumsempra!

Dumbledore: It's always an excuse with you, isn't it. *reaches for Elder Wand*

Harry: What should we do?!

Dumbledore: I JUST SHIT MYSELF!

Harry: As always, you've been a huge help!

Inferi: BRAINS.

Harry: Oh great. Imma uselessly punch you and drop my wand and stuff.

Inferi: Awesome. We're gonna pull you into the water.

Harry: Fuck, still can't swim.

Inferi with longish black hair who may or may not be Regulus: Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you.

Harry: Sorry, random zombie who may or may not be my dead godfather's dead brother, but I'm just not that into you!

Inferi with longish black hair who may or may not be Regulus: HUGGING!

Harry: I'm not a very huggy person.

Inferi with longish black hair who may or may not be Regulus: …It kind of looks like I'm humping you as I'm pulling you down.

Harry: I NEED AN ADULT.

FIYAH!: *exists, somehow staying lit as it flies into the water and miraculously hits the random Inferi with longish black hair who may or may not be Regulus, and not Harry*

Harry: …Well that was awesome—SHIT I FORGOT THERE ISN'T ANY AIR UNDERWATER. *swims up because he knows how to swim somehow*

Rifftrax: I'M ALIVE, HOORAY, I CAN…burn to death.

Dumbledore: *being badass as usual and controlling all of the massive fire that's filling up the cave* The music seems a tad too slow and somber for an epic fire battle.

Harry: WHO CARES YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

Dumbledore: That's nice, did you get my water?

Harry: THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE AND FIRE EVERYWHERE. I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE.

Dumbledore: Merlin's scarlet begonias, Harry, you can be so selfish sometimes, you know that? Not once do you ever stop to consider what I might want! Now let me lean on you, I appear to be dying inside. Partis temporus!

FIYAH!: *parts, apparently temporarily*

Harry: …Did we just reveal how Moses did that one thing that one time?

Dumbledore: Probabably.

Harry: Huh. AND NOW WE ARE BACK IN THE ENTRANCE CAVE THING.

Dumbledore: Well that was fun, let's do it again.

Harry: Let's not. *nearly collapsing from Dumbledore's weight* Hang on, we're nearly to a place where we can Apparate back since apparently we can't in the cave which is total bullshit.

Dumbledore: Don't worry about it, I'm not.

Harry: And why the fuck not? You're kind of dying.

Dumbledore: I know, but I'm with you, so I'll be fine.

Harry: …You sound perfectly healthy and not weak in the slightest. Why am I even carrying you, pick your own damn self up and go, you sound completely capable of doing so.

Dumbledore: I don't wanna.

Harry: Why do I even fucking bother.

~It was nice of them to actually have an entire scene full of plot with no wacky antics whatsoever…I just wish they could've made it more compelling. And had better actors.~

Review or you will be slaughtered during the upcoming naked zombie apocalypse.


	16. Teh SLO MO FALL OF LOL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, A Song of Ice and Fire, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, Assassin's Creed, Anchorman, Star Wars, Half-Baked Prince/Half-Baked Harry by Lady Lupin on MuggleNet, Ultima IX, Escaflowne Abridged, Firefly, the Spoony One, Angry Joe, Rejected Cartoon Movie, Pokémon, Code MENT, Linkara, Pokémon 'Bridged, Kickassia, Kingdom Hearts, or Rifftrax.

~In probably the most jarring transition so far, we cut from being surrounded by flaming death to Malfoy lying in a hospital bed. THIS MOVIE IS SO SMOOTH AND FLAWLESS.~

iheartmwpp: Except fuck that, we gots moar deleted scenes to play.

Flitwick: Aww, isn't this a lovely little piece. I must say, my life has become much more peaceful since I stopped teaching Charms and devoted all my time and energy into teaching the nonexistent Hogwarts Choir.

Hogwarts Choir: *is just as pointless as it was in Film Three…but so much more moving and impactful. The song here, like in Film Three, sets up most of the soundtrack for the rest of the film, but where that one was kind of just there most of the time, this one actually manages to set the darker tones that the movie occasionally remembers it's supposed to have, and when it does the soundtrack aligns with it perfectly. Whenever this leitmotif plays, you remember that the world in which these characters live is going through a very dark time and there is little hope of surviving it. It's also accompanied by some really beautiful voices. It's still about as pointless as the other one was in Film Three, but that one was left in and it didn't even have all the little side parts of Malfoy and Snape and McGonagall in it. It's a much better song and gives the film a bit more artistic depth, and didn't even try too hard like "Something Wicked This Way Comes" so obviously did. This scene, perhaps beyond any other, should've been left in the final cut of the movie*

Thunder: *claps*

Flitwick: …Well that's not ominous or anything.

Random Ravenclaws: We're just standing around outside, waiting for the lightning to hit.

McGonagall: What? Children out of bed at nearly seven at night? Preposterous, they should be asleep already like all small children their age—shit, hat nearly fell off. Now go back to your tower, considering the very dangerous threat that He-Who-You-Kind-Of-Expected-To-Be-Visibly-Out-And-About-Doing-Shit-This-Year poses to us you'd think we'd have put the six o'clock curfew back in place but since we didn't when the mad mass murderer was wandering around why the hell should we now? Also I am apparently now scared of thunderstorms. Awesome.

Clouds: WE ARE MENACING.

Snape: I am standing in front of a window. That is all you got of me in the actual movie. Now, of course, the camera's going to focus on my face so the audience can clearly see the deep contemplation of what I'm about to do next. Way to be totally obvious, movie, guess there was a reason this scene was cut, they were being almost as subtle as that time they "hinted" at what Lupin was. Though I do have to compliment the lighting, the way my face is cast entirely in shadow before being suddenly lit up by I guess moonlight or something, really symbolic of how everyone thought I was evil but was eventually mostly redeemed at the end, 'tis coolio.

Malfoy: Wow, I must've been so underfed or whatever by this point that I actually had to be in hospital for a bit to recover. Or maybe I just wanted to avoid my fellow Slytherins, and who can blame me, really. I HAVE FEET. FEAR THEM.

Ron: Huh, clouds are coming in. And, as always, we appear to be the only people in the common room. Are there no other Gryffindors anymore, what gives?

Hermione: I have no idea other than I am suddenly beside you and we are also in shadow, don't know what that symbolizes but whatever. Still, least we don't have to hang out by the Room of Requirement where Malfoy totally won't show up, right?

Ron: Damn straight!

Students: *still singing softly as the screen fades to black. BEST DELETED SCENE EVER except for several others in the next two films to come*

Borgin and Burke sign: I am squeaking as I sway in the wind. MENACINGLY!

Light: *goes out*

Bellatrix: You'd think the Ministry would've posted Aurors around and in Knockturn Alley since it's the most likely place a shitload of Death Eaters would turn up, but that would mean they actually had a vague sense of intelligence.

Light: *…is back on*

Amycus: How did Draco manage to send us the message that tonight would be the night, anyway?

Alecto: Dunno, maybe he slipped a note through the cabinet, or maybe he required a way to contact us without interference from school or the Ministry.

Bellatrix: IMMA TOUCH THE CABINET. *TOUCHES THE CABINET*

Jon Snow: The Wall's kind of boring, actually, not too sure why I wanted to come here…

THUNDER!: *is crashing*

Malfoy: Hey, you lot might want to head back to your houses so that my relatives coming in won't murder you and stuff.

Random couples: Can't hear you, too busy snogging.

Malfoy: Ah well, at least the hallways will be inexplicably deserted once shit finally goes down. I love it when there's no Order or Auror force around to impede my movements!

McGonagall: My scene would be here if iheart hadn't included the In Noctem scene.

Snape: And mine would follow immediately after.

Ron and Hermione: And ours would not exist.

Malfoy: DRAMATIC REVEAL!

Rug: OH MY GOD I WAS COVERING A CABINET.

Vanishing Cabinet: How 'bout that.

Malfoy: Where the fuck is that wind coming from…

Door handle: I AM TURNING!

Malfoy: Seriously, the cabinet isn't even open yet, what gives.

Vanishing Cabinet: *opens—Okay, do we really need the black smoke shit at this point?!*

Malfoy: Awesome. Now to run away. *runs away*

Carrows: We inexplicably have masks on now.

Greyback: Yay, a school full of small children! I can't wait to eat all of them! Now if only that were explained better so I could be more of a threat than a vague "I'm the big guy, fear me."

Bellatrix: …Why do I insist on pointing my wand at my own face…?

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Harry: How the fuck did I Apparate within Hogwarts, I am not you and thus do not possess your privileges.

Dumbledore: You were able to do vast quantities of underage magic before your third year started with no consequences. You told continuity to go fuck itself long ago.

Harry: Fair enough. Now you seem to be in a great deal of pain. Would it be prudent of me to fetch a Healer? *lowers Dumbledore to a raised part of the floor, sticking his ass out in such a way that it's all I can focus on*

Dumbledore: Oh please, I'm only slowly dying inside. But since it was a potion and I hear Severus is pretty good with those, I want you to bring me him instead. Go wake him up.

Harry: …It's really not that late, and even if it was, wouldn't the staff be patrolling since you probably gave them fair warning that you'd be gone so they'd have to be extra vigilant tonight?

Dumbledore: …

Harry: You didn't tell anyone, did you.

Dumbledore: Knew I forgot something, yeah…In any case, get Severus, tell him what happened.

Harry: Even about the Horcruxes?

Dumbledore: No, I think I'm implying the poison and that's about it. And don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anyone. Voldemort has spies that could be anywhere, even inside of Hogwarts. From now on, the only person you can trust, Harry, is me…and Severus Snape.

Harry: …Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this, but I am not so sure about Snape. I think, I—no, I'm pretty sure he's working for Voldemort.

Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met!

Harry: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?!

Dumbledore: Because I love him!

Harry: …Professor, I—

Dumbledore: HEY! I don't wanna hear anything else about it! There is no way that Severus Snape is, was, or ever shall be a servant of Voldemort!

Harry: Okay, I'll go get him, and I'll be as fast as I can about it considering you're dying and everything! *casually walks over to the stairs* I HEARD A NOISE WHAT DO I DO.

Dumbledore: Screw Severus, hide below this level, no one'll think to look for you there! And stay there no matter what, don't speak to anyone or be seen by anyone without my permission, no matter what happens. I'll tell you when you can move and talk and shit again.

Harry: Okay, it's probably just an Auror checking shit out anyway. The Ministry's actually being vaguely responsible, after all.

Dumbledore: Harry, do as I say. Which sums up the entire series when you think about it.

Harry: Thought that was Snape's "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough" from the musical.

Dumbledore: Whatever, now GTFO.

Harry: OKAY. And apparently there are more than two ways to get up to the Astronomy tower, since I went one way and I can plainly see Malfoy going up another way. Good thing he doesn't turn directly around and see me. This place seems really dusty. Bet it would suck if I sneezed.

Malfoy: Knock knock.

Dumbledore: Who's there?

Malfoy: WAND!

Dumbledore: AAAAAAHHHH!

Malfoy: …Yep.

Dumbledore: Cool. So how ya doin'?

Malfoy: Never mind me, who else is here? I heard you talking with someone, but I'm not going to bother checking immediately below me to see if anyone's hiding under there.

Dumbledore: Oh I was just talking to the voices. Don't you hear them?

Malfoy: …Okay, you've completely lost it.

Dumbledore: So what're you doing here? Think you're some kind of Assassin or something? 'Cause I see you as more of a Templar myself.

Malfoy: That's right, Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone. And now I'm going to kill you.

Dumbledore: Oh, no you're not. Draco, if you were gonna kill me, you would've done so already.

Malfoy: NO! No, no, not necessarily true! I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect Four before I offed you!

Dumbledore: Draco, there are other options. You know what, it's time you looked inside yourself, and figured out what it is that you really want.

Malfoy: …I WANT ASTORIA GREENGRASS! And a rocket ship.

Dumbledore: Well then, why didn't you just take the girl out for a happy meal, or go to space camp? Come on! Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation.

Malfoy: Please, I've already done loads of horrible shit.

Dumbledore: Okay, first off, that necklace you tried to make Katie Bell give me totally didn't go with my eyes, I don't know what you were thinking. And wouldn't it have been an interesting twist if that poison had killed Ronald Weasley, how do you think you would've felt then?

Harry: Yeah, I probably would've ripped your spinal column out your ass and shoved it down your throat.

Malfoy: I HAZ THE DARK MARK.

Harry: I FUCKING KNEW IT.

Dumbledore: Not cool, man, not cool. *raises wand*

Malfoy: Expelliarmus!

Dumbledore: Aaaaand now you are the master of the Elder Wand. Have fun being totally unaware of that.

Harry: *pulls out wand* Fuck Dumbledore's orders, I'm not going to just passively stand by and watch him die!

LOUD NOISES!: *exist*

Dumbledore: Malfoy, ya little shit!

Malfoy: Yep, brought a fuckload of other people with me. I…guess to serve as backup, or maybe to get me out of here once I've committed murder, I think the school and the Ministry sort of frown on that kind of thing.

Dumbledore: Yes, but what I don't understand is how.

Mafoy: There's a Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement. It got smashed in Book Two, but that was never important enough to make it into the film despite the rest of the extreme faithfulness Film Two had to the book. But I can't really blame them, Book Five wasn't even out yet when that film was made let alone Book Six.

Harry: Sure hope none of the evil people coming in make sure the coast is clear and come down this way. Prooobably should've brought my Cloak. Wait, how do we know these guys are even evil, they could totally be good guys, or a couple of students coming up for a snog or something.

Dumbledore: OH MY GOD THERE'S TWO OF THEM.

Malfoy: At Borgin and Burkes. They form a secret passage and stuff.

Dumbledore: Wow, you're telling me your whole plan right before you attempt to kill me! You really are an evil villain!

Malfoy: …And you know of any decent ones?

Dumbledore: Well Voldemort's really not, when you think about it. He wants to kill Harry Potter, but he has no apparent long-term goals besides gaining immortality no matter what the cost. Sure he was doing things like the Muggle-born Register and trying to commit mass genocide and things, but those seemed more like side projects or temporary trifles, we never really found a motivation for any of those things. And you can be so much better than that!

Malfoy: …So all I need is some long-term goals and I'll be a better villain than the Dark Lord?

Dumbledore: …No, I meant come to the good side. We have chocolate!

Malfoy: I DON'T WANT YOUR CHOCOLATE!

Dumbledore: Jesus, you are evil.

Malfoy: You are going to die! And then you'll be dead! Because I killed you!

Dumbledore: And what's your motivation for killing me?

Draco: If I don't kill you, The-Guy-Who-Would-Make-This-Scene-A-Million-Times-More-Badass'll kill me! And, you know, my family, but who gives a shit about them, amirite?

Dumbledore: Hey, is that Death Eaters I hear coming up the stairs?

Death Eaters: WE ARE COMING UP THE STAIRS.

Harry: Please don't look around and notice me obviously standing here, please don't look around and notice me obviously standing here…

Bellatrix: HI DRACO.

Malfoy: HI AUNT BELLATRIX. Check it out, I have him at wandpoint.

Dumbledore: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Bellatrix: Fenrir, close your damn robe.

Greyback: Hell no! STARE AT MY BEAUTIFUL MAN-BOOBS.

Dumbledore: Waaay ahead of you.

Bellatrix: *whispers seductively* Well done, Draco. *does a kissy thing near the back of his neck* I enjoy flirting with really close relatives! Yaaaaaaaaay inbreeding!

Malfoy: You disgust me.

Dumbledore: Good evening, Bellatrix. Now who the fuck are these people who now aren't wearing masks, and who is this lovely young gentleman?

Bellatrix: Oh believe me, I'd love to give a vague summary on who these people are and at least give them names so they're not just faceless goons, but we kind of just want to kill you and head out, m'kay?

Harry: Maybe if I just sneak up and cast sectumsempra on her really quickly…

Bellatrix: So yeah. Draco. Should probably kill this fucker.

Greyback: Such a little pussy, just like his father.

Malfoy: Hey, I gathered the stones to glare at you in this version instead of avoiding your eye in the book, give me credit for that at least.

Greyback: No, don't think so, you're still a pussy. Let me finish him in my own way. Which equals cannibalism, but apparently we never got around to explaining that.

Snape: I'm in ur tower, pointing my wand at ur Chosen One.

Bellatrix: NO! The Dark Lord was clear, the boy is to do it, even though I made Snape promise that he would do it for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

Harry: Oh. Hey Snape. You are pointing a wand at me. I shall now point a wand at you.

Bellatrix: Come on, Draco! Who's a big boy? Huh? You are! Yes you are!

Snape: *puts a finger to his lips*

Rifftrax: This…is…my…nose.

Bellatrix: WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING DO IT ALREADY?! DON'T YOU THINK THIS GODDAMN MOVIE HAS DRAGGED ON ONG ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU WEIGHING IT DOWN?!

Harry: …Fine, I'll stay down here and be quiet.

Snape: Awesome.

Lady Lupin: It was an enormous mistake not to have Dumbledore immobilize Harry atop the Tower before Dumbledore is killed. Having Harry just 'go stand down there and don't interfere' very much weakens Harry's character. For him to stand and do nothing; to have him, in fact, take direction from Snape in that moment, undermines his own determination and strength. It makes him look weak and set Mr. Radcliffe a very difficult job. To prevent Book Harry from taking action in that moment, Dumbledore was forced to immobilize him under his invisibility cloak. Film Harry, in contrast, is so weakened by the screenplay's choices that he actually obeys orders from a man he loathes and distrusts. Book Harry acts on instinct and heart, charging forward in high stakes circumstances. Film Harry stands, confused and helpless.

Malfoy: Damn, Tom Felton can act!

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE.

Harry: So yeah, I'm keeping quiet and I let him come up to you and stuff.

Dumbledore: Okay, try not to feel too guilty for letting him through when he kills me, okay?

Harry: That'll be completely impossible for me, sir!

Dumbledore: Excellent, excellent…

Alecto: We've got Dumbledore cornered!

Snape: Well? What are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it, Draco!

Malfoy: I…I don't think I can.

Snape: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!

Dumbledore: Severus.

Snape: *raises head* Observe as my hair flows beautifully in the wind.

Everyone else: Yeah, didn't think greasy hair could do that, but whatevs.

Bellatrix: I AM STANDING—wait, now there are three Death Eaters behind me. Thorfin, when did you get here?

Rowle: I'm not entirely sure.

Dumbledore: Please. I ask flatly and lifelessly and don't sound like I'm desperately begging at all.

Snape: Avada kedavra.

Harry: Wait, what?

Dumbledore: Wait, this isn't right. I don't feel more powerful than they can possibly imagine at all. Bleah. *dies and falls off tower*

Harry: Aargh! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Spoony: BETRAYAAAAAAL!

Angry Joe: …Wha—?

Spoony: BE-TRAYAL.

Snape: Well that was fun, let's do it again.

Dumbledore: …The fuck is with this slo-mo fall? This…Talk about a mood whiplash. Not only is every Gambon hater in existence currently jumping for joy at the thought of me no longer being in the films for the most part, but this right here was just completely unnecessary and so unintentionally hilarious it's not even…no wait, it is funny, that's the point. Except it isn't, it's supposed to be sad and dramatic, AND IT FUCKING FAILS.

Harry: …Shit, now he'll never say it's okay for me to come out of here or see or speak to anyone else ever again. Oh fuck, I already saw Snape, he'll never forgive me for this…ESPECIALLY SINCE HE'S DEAD MERLIN'S CAT VOMIT WHAT IS MY LIFE.

Malfoy: I have come to the conclusion that being a Death Eater kind of sucks—Wait, how'd you get in front of me.

Snape: Fuck you, that's how. *drags him away*

Bellatrix: I AM SHOUTING SOMETHING INCOHERENTLY. Which is apparently how you conjure the Dark Mark in this version. That makes sense except not at all.

Carrows, Greyback, and possibly Rowle: Yeah, have fun with that, we're leaving.

Dark Mark: Why don't I have a snake tongue anymore? Now I just look like a lame skull thing, this is boring…

Malfoy and the Death Eaters…interesting band: WE ARE GOING DOWN THE STAIRS NOW.

Harry: Huh, weird, since Snape totally knows I'm here I'm surprised he doesn't come after me next. Eh, might as well go after them to exact my petty revenge—Damn it, that was my toe, stupid random dusty globe things…

Death Eaters: WE ARE WALKING THROUGH THE HALLWAYS.

Random students that are clearly in the hallways: Hey, thanks for not kidnapping, torturing, or murdering any of us, that would've added some additional darker tones and no one cares about those.

Death Eaters: No problem!

Bellatrix: And now I am trashing the Great Hall. LIFE IS GOOD! THIS IS FUN!

Dawlish: Hey, how did I not notice you guys go into the Great Hall—OH GOD WHY. *blasts off again* Twinkle.

Snape: Always wanted to do that.

Audience: THERE IS ONLY ONE AUROR ON DUTY IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING CASTLE. THERE ARE NO OTHER MEMBERS OF THE MINISTRY, AND NO ONE FROM THE ORDER OR THE REST OF THE STAFF. NO ONE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD CARES ABOUT THE FUTURE GENERATION OF SAID WORLD. INCLUDING THE ORGANIZATION THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY DEDICATED TO RIDDING THE WORLD OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS. Nah, just let them kill the little children, it's cool.

Bellatrix: I am blowing up all of the windows in the Great Hall. This is so totally awesome.

Malfoy: …My childhood…

Bellatrix: My childhood, too! I just don't care.

Malfoy: … *sniffles*

Candles: *go out*

Death Eaters: *Apparate to the woods*

Bellatrix: Oh cheer up, Draco, the Great Hall's current state is nothing compared to how it'll be two films from now!

Harry: *also Apparates to the woods, because apparently he can Apparate all over Hogwarts now anyway so why the fuck not* The last time I checked the layout of the castle, this was not the way to Hagrid's hut. In fact they went out the wrong entrance altogether, the way to Hagrid's hut isn't through the entrance to the entrance hall, it's out through the doorway under the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did We Get A Giant Clock Tower. Or did the layout change that dramatically between the Fifth and Sixth Video Games, iheart stopped after OotP.

Bellatrix: Hey, Hagrid? You there? And if not, where the hell are you? Where the hell is any of the staff, we've got Snape with us here and we just killed Dumbledore, is everyone else asleep or something?

Harry: ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS DANCE AND LOVE YOU! AND YOU KILLED HIM!

Snape: Look at my face. Look at my face. Can it be any more fucking obvious that I severely regret what I've just done.

Linkara: You know, just when you think this [movie] has done all it could to kill subtlety, it goes and sets the corpse on fire and sends it careening down a hill in a shopping cart into a carnival funhouse.

iheartmwpp: …Wow, I'm quoting Linkara an awful lot all of a sudden…

Bellatrix: Did I ever tell you guys I'm a pyro?

Malfoy: You did not, why—Ohh. Cool.

Bellatrix: I AM JUMPING FOR JOY.

Fang: Well if Hagrid's not here, hopefully I'm not either. Because that would suck a whole lot.

Snape: GTFO, I'll deal with this guy.

Harry: Incarcerous!

Snape: No.

Harry: Fight back, you coward! FIGHT BACK!

Bellatrix: Okay. *sends something at him*

Harry: Ow. *falls over*

Snape: Cut that out, bitchface.

Bellatrix: LAWLZ.

Snape: He belongs to the Dark Lord, Bella, we mustn't touch what isn't ours. So let's leave him lying here, completely helpless, and not take him with us so our master can kill him and this series can finally be over, okay?

Bellatrix: That logic makes no sense! Let's do it! *runs after the others*

Harry: I am lying still.

Snape: I am staring at your body lying on the grass.

Camera: LET'S LINGER ON THIS!

Audience: Let's not.

Snape: After several days, I'm finally going to walk away.

Harry: You can't do that, I'm finally getting up again!

Snape: Oh would you just hurry up and fail?

Harry: Sectumsepra!

Snape: No. *hits Harry with something and he flies back again. Must've been a Stunner, it was white and it didn't knock Harry out. THAT'S TOTALLY HOW THAT SPELL WORKS*

Harry: …Well that hurt. Here, let me get into a more comfortable fetal position so you can loom menacingly over me while I'm pathetically lying here.

Snape: THAT WAS MY SPELL.

Harry: …Wha—

Snape: I AM THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.

Harry: …That's it?

Snape: Yep.

Harry: …That was shit.

Snape: Yes it was.

Harry: …Well bye then.

Snape: See ya. *leaves*

Harry: MY FINGERS ARE TWITCHING. AND I AM TREMBLING. AND that is a skull.

Dark Mark: *is a skull. No snake tongue, just a skull*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Harry: Oh sure, now the entire castle's awake. Hey, where were you when the Death Eaters were actually here, you useless sacks of pig droppings?!

EVERYONE IN THE CASTLE: Well we were all asleep, right, but then we all looked out of similar windows at exactly the same time and saw our headmaster falling in slow motion from the Astronomy tower, so we all came out here to stare at his dead corpse!

Harry: That's nice. 'Scuse me, pardon me, person who actually did something coming through… *walks over to Dumbledore's dead corpse and kneels down beside it* Huh, thought he'd be bloodier than this, that was a hell of a fall…

iheartmwpp: Anyone who doesn't have the Lego game, YouTube the Lego version of his death somehow. It is what I will fondly picture forevermore while reading the books.

Harry: *brushes some hair out of Dumbledore's face* OH HEY THAT THING HE DIED TO GET. Better hide it from the students, they might think he was gay or something, carrying a golden locket like this, only girlswear tacky lockets. *puts hand on chest* Yep, definitely dead. Strange, didn't think the Killing Curse or a several hundred foot drop would kill a man. HOGWARTS HAS TAUGHT ME SO MUCH THIS YEAR.

Ginny: I will be the only other person to approach Dumbledore's body, because as Harry Potter's girlfriend it is my duty to comfort him and possess no emotions of my own. Not that you'd know that I actually have any emotions anyway, the way I'm portrayed… *goes and wraps her arms around Harry* TAKE COMFORT IN MY MASCULINE ARMS.

Hermione: I AM A WOMAN AND THEREFORE I MUST HAVE A SINGLE TEAR FALL DOWN MY CHEEK. ALSO I AM HERMIONE FREAKIN' GRANGER AND THEREFORE I AM THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THE CAMERA CAN FOCUS ON.

McGonagall: Fuck that noise, I'm raising my wand and making a pretty light.

Hagrid: I'M STILL IN THE MOVIE! Yeh'd think I'd be more choked up over the death o' the person I admire most in the world, but yeh'd be wrong.

Skull (it's not the Dark Mark, it's a fucking skull): I HAVE A LIGHT IN MY MOUTH.

Madam Pomfrey: THE POWER OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP WILL GET RID OF THAT SKULL. *raises wand*

Luna: I INSTANTLY BELIEVE YOU. *also raises wand*

Ron: That sounds kind of lame, but if everyone else is doing it I don't want to be left out. *also also raises wand*

All of the kids: WE ARE RAISING OUR WANDS AND THE SCHOOL IS UNITED IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY.

Hagrid: I forgot me umbrella.

iheartmwpp: This scene is only vaguely sad in hindsight, when you realize that the music used here is the exact same music used when Severus was cradling Lily's body during the Prince's Tale. I actually started to tear up while rewatching this scene this time because I was recalling a vastly superior scene in a vastly superior movie.

Dumbledore: I am still dead.

Courtyard: *is glowing with…wait, is this the entire school? Huh, thought there'd be more than that…*

Skull: OH NO THE POWER OF LIGHT HAS BANISHED ME INTO THE DARKNESS.

iheartmwpp: … *checks that she's in the right document to make sure she's not still taking notes for eventual upcoming Kingdom Hearts parodies*

Harry: …I am not sure of the point of showing me taking my hand off of Dumbledore's chest. Is it symbolic of letting him go, because for some reason we're ending with some lame-ass scene of me talking with Ron and Hermione instead of the actual finality that a funeral can provide or what?

Ginny: Shut up and keep hugging me as everyone lowers their wands in the background.

Everyone: *lowers their wands in the background*

Dumbledore: …Yes. I am dead. What do you want.

Audience: A funeral?

Dumbledore: Besides that.

Audience: FOR THIS DAMN THING TO FUCKING END ALREADY?!

Dumbledore: One more chapter.

Audience: GOOD ENOUGH.

~And then the film cut to black, staying there for several seconds and giving the illusion that it ended there. Which wouldn't be too bad considering the actual ending…~

Review or Dumbledore will order you to stand by and watch as he dies, and you totally will, going against everything you would normally do in that situation.


	17. Teh SERIOUSLY? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR ENDING?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Smodcast, or Rifftrax.

~Hey, the window in the Great Hall's still broken. Is this symbolic of Dumbledore not being there anymore so they're not as strong, or were they just too lazy to cast reparo?~

Tables: Least we don't have broken shit on us anymore…though come to think of it Bellatrix only wrecked all the goblets on one table, must've been the Gryffindor one or something.

~But enough of that pointless shot of the staff failing to do anything ever.~

Harry: I AM STANDING IN THE DORM ROOM FOR NO REASON. THIS FRAMING OF ME IN BETWEEN THE WALLS SYMBOLIZE HOW ALONE I AM IN THE WORLD. I…I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY I'M IN HERE RIGHT NOW.

Portraits: We still move, BTW.

Harry: I AM COMING DOWNSTAIRS NOW.

Hermione: I'm the only one who heard that outburst, apparently.

Ron: Yeah, that's weird…Seamus, is that you? What're you doing sitting in the fireplace?

Seamus: It's where I feel most at home, shut up.

Harry: HI GUYS! HI GINNY!

Ginny: HI HARRY! THIS SCENE SURE IS POINTLESS, ISN'T IT!

Harry: YEP! WE SHOULD DELETE IT!

Ginny: OKAY!

~Time to go back to Dumbledore's office!~

DOOR!: *opens*

Harry: Huh, exactly one year ago I came into this office wearing my fucking uniform. But screw that shit, Dumbledore doesn't deserve that kind of respect. Aaaand I guess I just came up here to loot through Dumbledore's shit and otherwise wander around aimlessly. Or something, Iunno.

ENVELOPE!: *exists*

ELDER WAND!: *exists*

LEMON DROPS/SHERBERT LEMONS!: *exist*

THING OF BUTTERBEER!: *exists*

OPEN BOOK!: *exists*

Half-moon spectacles: *oh yeah, those exist. Hey, remember when Dumbledore wore them like all the time and was always described as wearing them almost without fail in the books? NEITHER DO WE*

CHAIR!: *exists*

Harry: Sweet, the Elder Wand—Oh, hey McGonagall!

McGonagall: Potter, put down that wand, we mustn't touch what isn't ours. Pity Draco seems to have left, otherwise I'd make sure it was received by the correct person. Also we've finally gotten around to getting a school counselor, so if you'd just take the advice of everyone you've ever met in your life and get some therapy, I think we'd all be better off—

Harry: Fuck you, I don't need to see a damn shrink. Why should I, anyway, do they know what I've gone through? Of course not, I can't talk to anyone about anything! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN. *walks right by her without saying anything despite what I just made him say*

McGonagall: You're kind of a douche.

Harry: And you look older than Dumbledore did.

McGonagall: Fine, maybe I won't tell you that Dumbledore really cared about you!

Rifftrax: He carved several potatoes in your likeness.

Harry: Oh hey, portrait…which looks very different from the portrait that was shown in the Chamber of Secrets DVD tour of this office, wonder why that is. *licks lips*

Dumbledore: I am probably faking sleep like most of the others in this office, I just really don't want to talk to you right now.

Gambon haters: We are perfectly fine with that.

Harry: And now to stare blankly at Professor McGonagall. *stares blankly at Professor McGonagall* I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU. Also my body language indicates that I am about to turn around and leave.

McGonagall: And yet the camera never shows it. WHICH MUST MEAN YOU'RE STILL HERE.

~How does Hermione make her voice do that?!~

Hermione: Do you think he could've done it?

Harry: …Do I think who could've done what?

Hermione: Draco.

Harry: …That Draco could've done…what?

Hermione: Committed murder.

Harry: Against who?

Hermione: Against Dumbledore? The guy he's been trying to murder all year?

Harry: Pfft, no, when would he ever get an opportunity to do that?

Hermione: When you were watching him point a wand directly at Dumbledore, saying that he had to kill him.

Harry: Oh come on, why would he ever do a thing like that? He'd have to be some kind of Death Eater or something.

Hermione: But he is a Death Eater! You saw him show the Dark Mark to Dumbledore! You were there, why can't you remember any of this?!

Harry: Soooo…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: What you're trying to tell me is…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: That Draco Malfoy…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: Is a Death Eater…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: Who works for Voldemort…

Hermione: That's the definition of Death Eater, yeees…

Harry: And you're saying…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: That he was plotting something…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: That took most of the school year…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: And that something…

Hermione: Yeees…

Harry: Was evil in nature.

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: That's what you're telling me.

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: You're telling me that Malfoy's a Death Eater and he's been trying to kill Dumbledore all year on Voldemort's orders and he nearly killed a couple of students in the process.

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: Which includes Katie Bell and our good buddy Ron.

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: Where is Ron, anyway?

Hermione: No one cares.

Ron: *offscreen* I'm right here!

Hermione: Like I said, no one cares.

Harry: Back to Malfoy.

Hermione: Oh for fuck's sake, you. Were. There. You saw it happen, I don't know why I have to explain to you what you yourself witnessed! Did you get hit by a Memory Charm or something?

Harry: No, it's just…it's just so hard to believe. I mean both Malfoy and Snape turning out to be evil, who could ever conceive of such a thing?

Hermione: YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING IT ALL YEAR. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL OF THIS.

Harry: I'm sorry, what? Could you repeat that?

Hermione: *clenches teeth* You. Have. Been. Saying. That. Malfoy. And. Snape. Are. Evil. All. Year.

Harry: So…I was right?

Hermione: …

Harry: Is that what you're trying to say?

Hermione: *glares*

Harry: Were you wrong while I was right? Is that…Is that what's happening here?

Hermione: *jerks her head away*

Ron: *stifling his sniggers*

Harry: *smirking* Why is it so hard to admit that I was right? Here, I'll help you out. "Harry, you were right."

Hermione: Do you know how little effort it would take to push you off this tower?

Harry: Do you have any idea how worth it it would be?

Hermione: You never answered my question.

Harry: And I have yet to hear your confession.

Hermione: …Fine. *sounds as though every word is causing her pain* You. Were. Right.

Harry: Thank you. Also it looked like Malfoy was lowering his wand. So yeah. Snape's a bitch.

Hermione: Yeah, and didn't you just stand around like a pussy and watched it all happen and do nothing to stop it? One quick stupefy in Draco's direction and an accio wand in Dumbledore's wand's direction would've solved a whole lot of problems.

Harry: You know what else would've solved a whole lot of problems? Assuming Malfoy didn't have any Peruvian Instant Bluish Sparkle Powder? Standing guard by the Room of Requirement to make sure Malfoy didn't fuck up the entire wizarding world.

Hermione: But—You didn't tell us to do that in this version!

Harry: And I wasn't made to stand around like a pussy but still be capable of doing anything at any time in the book. Adaptation's a bitch sometimes. I HAVE A FAKE NECKLACE!

Hermione: *inches closer to him…closer than they are already* Can I have the fake necklace?

Harry: Why certainly.

Ron: Oi, we're nearly finally a couple at this point, you can't—

Harry and Hermione: *banish Ron to the corner*

Ron: …Am I even needed for this scene? Like, at all?

Harry: *ignores him* LET US CONTINUE TO SHARE THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT TOGETHER, MAIN FEMALE CHARACTER.

Hermione: YOU SAID IT, MAIN MALE CHARACTER.

Ron: I hate you. With all of my hate.

Audience: Where the hell is that voice coming from?

Hermione: I am glaring at you.

Harry: …Why?

Hermione: Because this locket is, like, so tacky, the styles of a thousand years ago were so five minutes ago!

Harry: Just…Just open the damn locket.

Hermione: OKAY. *opens locket while hanging her arms over the edge of the railing of the tallest tower in Hogwarts* Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I dropped this, or if this tiny piece of paper blew away in the wind?

Harry: No. No it wouldn't.

Hermione: *starts reading before she stops unfolding* "To the Dark Asshat. I know I'll be killed by hordes of zombies long before you read this, but I want you to know that, somehow, I discovered your secret. Whether that specific secret was about Horcruxes is anyone's guess, as my family seemed mostly kind of cool with crap like that aside from my idiot brother and loser cousin but they were burned off the tree so it's like they don't exist anyway. Probably I object to your half-blood existence or something. Instead of doing something reasonable like spreading the rumor amongst your mostly pureblood ranks and sowing unrest and distrust, IMMA WHOOP YOUR ASS, BITCH. And by whoop your ass I mean I'm gonna take this one Horcrux and try and fail to destroy it. Then I will give it to my house-elf, who will also try and fail to destroy it."

Ron: CAMEO! Seriously, why is this my first onscreen appearance in this whole scene.

Harry: You're still here?

Ron: I've been here the whole time. And I'm like twenty feet away so I haven't been able to hear a word you two were saying, so I won't know a damn thing about the plot when we start the next movie except I'll know everything. *taps feet, bored and disgruntled that this is all he's given for this scene*

Hermione: "I will probably not live to see you actually die and stuff, but a guy can dream that you'll at least die eventually. And stuff. Love, RAB."

Ron: Araybee?

Hermione: No, initials. RAB?

Harry: Only thing I can think of is Rabbits Are Bunnies. Somehow I don't think that's it.

Hermione: Rodents Are Bulimic?

Harry: Not likely.

Hermione: Righteous Acura Bonuses?

Harry: Don't think so.

Hermione: Rectangular Armadillo Balls?

Harry: …Dafuq. But whoever or whatever it was, they have the real Horcrux. Which means I probably shouldn't have force-fed Dumbledore debilitating poison.

Hermione: Don't let anyone but us hear you say that, they might think you killed Dumbledore and only said Snape did it.

Ron: You know, this could be considered kind of clever if the filmmakers thought of starting to set up my character get really jealous of those two always spending time together while I'm the useless one in the back, which leads me to ditch them next film. Unfortunately, they're probably just dumbasses who hate me for whatever reason.

Hermione: *looking back at Ron, then back at Harry, then back at Ron again, then starts talking to Harry* Ron's okay with it, you know.

Harry: He's really okay from basically being cut out of the scene like this?

Ron: No I'm really not!

Hermione: No, I mean you dating his sister. That is just as important as Dumbledore's death and the bits of Voldemort's soul we'll have to track down if we want to save the world.

Harry: …The hell did people find out about that? We kissed in a deserted room, and Ron's too oblivious to notice us obviously gaping longingly at each other. *grumbles under his breath* I knew we should've killed that bird thing when we had the chance!

Hermione: So yeah, don't snog her too much when he's around or Ginny might hex him if he tries to break you two up. I like my men intact, thanks.

Harry: Was thinking of dumping her for her own protection.

Hermione: About that, people will still know that you dated, and even when people break up, there's usually still some lingering affection and a lot of times you still care for each other as people. They'll use any of us against you. They'll use a complete stranger against you, it would still work and they probably know it.

Harry: Yeah, well, I'm still not coming back next year. I am telling this to you, Hermione, and no one else. I've got to finish whatever Dumbledore started, and considering he's been trying to destroy Voldemort for years and he's not even the Chosen One, I might only need a year tops to finish the job. It may lead me on an absurdly long-ass camping trip from hell, but if I find some method of communication I'll let you and Ron know where I am if and when I can.

Hermione's eyebrows: I've always admired your courage, Harry, but sometimes you're a complete and utter dumbass.

Harry: I don't follow you.

Hermione: You really think you can survive five minutes without me constantly saving your life or without Ron's comic relief, which brings more to the table than people think because otherwise we're kind of boring?

Hermione's eyebrows: You need us, Harry.

Harry: No, I really don't, and I wish you would stop doing what you're doing.

Hermione's eyebrows: We're working on it, we swear!

Harry: Also don't snog Ron too much in front of me either, if you will.

Ron: Hey, I can hear you!

Hermione: Wh-What? Of course not, why would you ever suggest such a thing?!

Ron: …Thanks, needed that.

Hermione's eyebrows: Besides, he's, like, totally fucking insane and kind of annoying.

Harry: Funny, he said the same thing about you. Only he added "nagging bitch" to the description.

Hermione's eyebrows: I AM TEH SMART.

Audience: …Do you have any idea how arrogant you just sounded? No wonder these ten seconds were cut.

Harry: I LOVE YOU.

Ron: I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR EARS AND WEAR THEM AS EARRINGS.

Harry: I LOVE BOTH OF YOU.

Ron: Oh. Okay then.

Hermione's eyebrows: …Not really interested in threesomes, thanks.

iheartmwpp: Sixty-two. Yeah.

Ron: Hello, everybody! I have absolutely nothing of interest to say!

Harry and Hermione: Who the hell are you and what's wrong with your hair.

Ron: IGNORE ME!

Harry and Hermione: Done and done. *continue to stare out at the grounds. And by grounds I mean lake*

Harry: This place would be so much more beautiful if there was any color to be had anywhere. Ever. Still kind of breathtaking, though.

Fawkes: I'M STILL IN THE MOVIE. Yep, just flying around instead of leaving on the night Dumbledore died. Thought I'd stick around for the funeral—

McGonagall: …Yeah, we kind of just dumped his body in the lake.

Fawkes: …Fuck this then, I'm outta here. Maybe I'll use my awesome might that was barely fucking utilized in the entire damn series to whip up a decent tomb for the guy, but after that I'm bouncing and you'll never be able to enjoy my usefulness again.

Harry and Hermione: Pretty bird.

Ron: …Showing him like this kind of just makes it look like he's going for a fly around the castle for the hell of it.

Rifftrax: …Okay, what…what the hell's going on, did they lose the last page of the screenplay and are just killing time while an intern tracks it down?

Scott Mosier: At the end of the book, my memory of it is that…I didn't necessarily feel in the movie was that there was a more serious undertone of like, "I'm not going back to school next year…"

Kevin Smith: That was in the book?

Scott Mosier: Yeah.

Kevin Smith: So he was like, "Fuck school."

Scott Mosier: Yeah, it's the thing where it's like, "I can't go back, this is what I have to do." And they were like, "We're coming with you." But the way my memory of reading it was that it was a much more…serious…I felt that they infused this one with a little too much sunshine at the end where you're just like…The book felt like, "Dark days are ahead…"

Kevin Smith: Mm-hmm.

Scott Mosier: "…and we're gonna go and like, it's time to go…and fucking fight."

Kevin Smith: Right.

Scott Mosier: "And our lives, we might die," and all that sort of more serious weight and I didn't necessarily feel it.

Bored Trio of When The Hell Did Ron Get Here: …The ending is us walking over to a different section of the tower and watching Fawkes fly away. That…That's real climactic, that is.

Credits: WE ARE AWESOME PENSIEVE CRAP. FEAR US.

~And the audience leaves in disgust that they waited an additional eight months for this.~

Review or you will be banished to the corner while your more important friends provide a really shitty ending that doesn't even feel like an ending.


End file.
